I smell something burning. Oh yeah, it's my career. - Michael Boatman, Celebrity Mole
At least he had a career.
Welcome almost live to the Australian rainforest. I'm Bebo, your desperate summary whore, and I know that I've just been watching a live show because there was a clock with the word LIVE in the lower left corner of the screen.
Unnamed geeky-looking host greets us with tabloid headlines:
THE CHALLENGE OF A LIFETIME TWO WHOLE WEEKS ONE HUNDRED WAYS TO DIE
I don't even know his name yet, but I'm hoping he'll demonstrate some of those 100 ways on himself.
WHO'S FIT FOR THE JUNGLE???
Alana Stewart: I feel like such a loser.
Now it's time for...You Write the Summary. What should the next line be?
a) If the shoe fits... b) Could be worse - you could be watching this crap. c) You said it, I didn't.
We finally meet our host, John Lehr. They even spell his name out on the screen, like that will make us care enough to remember him. What, Alex McCloud wasn't available?
John Lehr: Congratulations, Trista and Ryan. And Charlie...I've been there, man.
I am so not surprised.
JL: Our celebrities have only been out here one day, and one has already blown a gasket. But first, let's show you their training camp.
Some training camp - they're driven to a swanky hotel in limos. When I go to training, I'm lucky if they let me rent a midsize. The Barefoot Bushman (I am not kidding) begins the all-important lessons with words of wisdom like, "Some animals can hurt, some animals can kill." As he shows them venemous spiders and other creepies, we meet some of our human creepies, I mean, celebrities.
Alana Stewart - famous ex-wife
Bruce Jenner - He won the Olympic decathlon and got a cereal endorsement (and no, it wasn't for Little Chocolate Donuts). Go ask your mommy and daddy, they'll recognize his name.
Downtown Julie Brown - She worked for MTV when they used to show music videos. Don't bother asking mommy and daddy, because they won't recognize her name.
Julie: I can't take my own clothes. I don't know what I'll do without my wardrobe.
Tyson (don't know his last name, don't care, I just look at him fondly) - Not the stereotypical model, doesn't need the lights and the cameras, which explains why he's going to live in front of cameras for 15 days.
Cris Judd - Holds the record for staying married to J-Lo the longest. Matt Damon suspects he'll keep it, too.
Nikki (don't know her last names, don't care, since most people probably just know her as Miss November) - She was married to the guy on 90210 without talent. No, not that one, the other one. No, the other one. She says she's a princess and starts listing all of the people whom she pays to follow her around and cater to her every whim.
Nikki: But except for my agent, and my publicist, and my hairdresser, and my personal assistant, and my astrologist, and my stalker, it's just me.
Yup, definitely a princess.
After a commercial break, our host again tells us that we're LIVE in the Australian rainforest. Whoa, so that's what that LIVE down in the lower left corner of my screen means.
Let's meet more of these, ahem, celebrities.
Robin Leach: Now I'll have to look in the mirror, in front of millions of people.
Robin, that gut shows us all that you've been avoiding mirrors for quite some time.
Stuttering John: I hate heights, I hate bugs, and I won't eat maggots.
Wow, always nice to have such a cheerful, cooperative soul along. Life of the party.
Maria Conchita Alonzo: I'm a drama queen.
Melissa Rivers: I don't camp, but I've stayed in some bad hotels.
For those of us who were hoping to see strong women on a reality show, any reality show...we can just keep hoping. Not getting it here, either. These, ahem, celebrities get out of their two helicopters to join the no-longer-Barefoot Bushman on a trek to the jungle. To start the humiliation off just right, they are all wearing the same ugly outfits with obnoxious red pants.
Bush Man: Watch your feet. Watch your hands.
Wow. This man is such an inspiration. Who needs Dr. Phil?
Bruce: It looks like jungle.
Robin is obviously struggling as they try to get to their camp. John makes things worse by suggesting that he's even an older relic than he actually is.