For Episode 1, I paid attention, took notes, and tried to do a faithful summary of the show. I'm not going to do that every night, because no one, not even me, is that desperate of a summary whore.
But I did watch the celebrities last night. Of course, I use the term "celebrities" loosely. I also use the term "watch" loosely, since I basically had it on as background noise while I did more interesting things, like watch paint dry. But here goes.
First of all, it helps for you to know that the show is LIVE from the Australian rainforest.
The main theme of last night's episode was hidden treasure. We were introduced to a new feature of the game, the treasure chest. Each day, two celebrities head out with a map and compass to try and find the treasure chest. If they do, then the whole group has to answer a question inside. If they answer the question correctly, they get a treat behind door #1. If they don't...well, we don't want to know what's behind door #2.
Stuttering John and Maria Conchita Alonso went searching for the treasure chest. Our geeky host (who sounds just like the host from Supermarket Sweep - go on, shut your eyes and see if you agree with me) tells us they clashed. Well, it was pretty lame for a clash. John reminded us about the stereotype about men and directions as he forgot to pay attention to the compass in his hand. They found the chest anyway, because Maria was there. Once they got back to camp with the chest, it was time to answer the question inside...
According to a popular woman's magazine, who is more likely to cheat, men or women? When they correctly answered women, they got the coffee, milk, and sugar inside the chest. In his confessional, Cris said, "I knew it was women." Was he trying to tell Ben Affleck something?
The other hidden treasure chest belonged to Nikki. Actually, not much was hidden, thanks to her bikini. Tyson was quite interested in, ahem, excavating ifyouknowwhatImean.
As we found out in the first episode, John was picked for the next Bush Tucker Trial. As he left, the men were silent, while all of the women gave him encouragement like, "John, we know you're a wussy boy, so you just go ahead and give up like the candy-ass you are if you want to. It'll be OK." Yeah, the reason it will be OK is so that they can back out of challenges and say, "Well, how can you expect me to do one if John couldn't?" They're covering their own asses, not looking out for yours. And for Nikki to cover anything on this show is a big deal.
We're also reminded that John hates bugs and heights. So guess what? He has to climb a ladder and stick his hand into globes filled with bugs. John paid a lot of attention during the training, and showed us that the proper way to approach strange biting insects is to make sudden motions and swear profusely. He did manage to get 6 meals, though.
Back at camp, we found out that Robin is obsessed with water and Bruce is obsessed with string. Robin told us how much water you could fit into condoms. Wonder how he found that out. Bruce said you couldn't fit that much water into his condoms. Bruce, most men wouldn't admit that on national TV, even to the small ABC audience. Tyson didn't volunteer his condoms, since he hopes to use them later on. Tyson and Cris head out to test Tyson's log dragger, but like most men, he had problems properly gauging the size of his log and came back empty-handed.
There's also various bitching and sniping, which I managed to screen out because, well, it's boring. Julie was the leader, against her will, which just meant that Bruce and Robin got to boss everyone around again. She did organize a camp song time, where each person wrote a verse about another, ahem, celebrity. Here's an example of the wit we were subjected to by Nikki:
Robin, Robin, he's our man If he can't do it, he'll sit on his ass
Finally, our geeky host shows up, reminds us again that we're live, and tells the team about the next Bush Tucker Trial.
JL: Two words - Croc Pit.
It has the desired effect. Then, to the delight of dozens, Nikki is announced as the lucky Croc snack.
Programming note: I will not be recapping tonight's episode, because I'm going out and playing. I'll be a lush at a charity wine event. That's a change from my normal reason for being a lush which is "just because".