Previously on I'm A Celebrity -- Get Me Out Of Here!...
A bunch of faux celebrities gathered in the rain forest of Australia. It rained ... and rained ... and rained ... and rained. Julie and Alana fought. Robin and Melissa whined. Tyson and Cris cooed. Nikki primped. Maria vanished. Bruce squeezed the Charmin. And Stuttering John looked like the only normal person in the bunch. Onward.
In a LIVE clip, we're told that, from now on, we're voting to boot one of these losers every night. Thank God. Allahu akbar.
Robin and Melissa continue to whine that the others wouldn't walk out with them. Melissa is starting to resemble Charlie McCarthy to Robin's Edgar Bergen. The only problem is that they both have heads made of wood. Alana says that Robin is bossy and out of control. That Alana, master of the obvious. John joins her in trying to quell the incipient rebellion.
Now we know where this show got its name.
Robin and Cris look at Bruce's dirty underwear. We get a brief lesson in "laundry secrets of the fauxies" -- which, considering that none of these bozos probably even knows how to wash clothes without a servant's help, is mercifully brief.
Melissa is happy because the sun came out. In fact, she's so happy that she and Robin decide that she should be the next leader, so that they can enjoy some more fine whines. Everyone else goes along to shut them up. It's another Survivor: The Australian Outback moment, as Melissa and Robin have morphed into a two-headed Jerri Manthey. Next up, they'll move the camp to a river bank just before a flood!
Nikki is making rice. Shades of Keith Famie. Robin complains about how she's cooking it. Yep, he's Jerri, all right. Robin says that she's stirring it with the same fork she put in her mouth. Nikki asks him to stifle himself. Robin keeps after her, as if he were Julia Child. Well, actually, he kinda looks like a runty Julia Child. Finally, Nikki walks away, with Robin yelling after her to come back. Nikki decides to pass on dinner until after Robin is done eating. As if there is enough food in all of Australia to fill Robin up...
Nikki decides that maybe she needs to make some friends (and get some more face time on camera) and offers to use her cosmetics kit to give everyone facials. Meanwhile, Melissa tries to get Julie and Alana to make up. What happens if they don't? She threatens to keep droning on all night. To avoid this fate worse than death, each of them promises to try to be civil. That's civil, as in "civil war."
We see Tyson demanding to talk to his agent because he felt like he was in jail. Jail? Right. So ... we now know that the closest that Tyson has ever come to camping out was watching Troop Beverly Hills on cable. Julie tells everyone that Tyson is going to be fine. If she means that Tyson is going to revert back to his usual sullen, gender-bending boring self, she's probably right.
Bruce and Maria go to look for the treasure chest. Bruce leads and then blames Maria when they get lost. Chivalry is truly dead among the fauxies. Maria finds some mushrooms and wonders if eating them will help her hallucinate that she's not out in the Australian outback with a bunch of losers ... and then she finds the treasure chest, too. Bruce whines. Evidently, Robin and Melissa are rubbing off on him.
Instead of a relationship question, at which the fauxies did terrible, they get a gossip question: "Which celebrity created a media frenzy this week by cutting her hair: Julia Roberts or Nicole Kidman?" Melissa triumphantly tells everyone that, as a "reporter" for E!, she's almost positive that it's Julia Roberts. The six people in America who believed that Melissa got her job on merit instead of through sheer unbridled nepotism bury their faces in their hands. It's a measure of how low her status is among her fellow fauxies that the others ignore her and vote for Nicole instead ... and they're right!
More rain. To reduce tensions, Bruce decides to hold a "jungle Olympic decathlon," with each of the fauxies getting one event to perform. The only humorous moment was Alana performing the "high hurdles" ... with her revelation that the hurdle she got over was not seeing her psychiatrist today. Robin shows his physical fitness by volunteering to lie on his stomach in the mud. Oink.
We come back just after Julie learned that she's up again in the next trial. She's freaking out, and Alana of all people is trying to calm her down. Alana wants to give her a hug, but Julie would rather hug a cobra ... I guess she wants to keep to her own species.
After all of the harrowing trials, this one is easy -- Julie has to sit by herself in the dark. No challenge, as Julie has been in the dark about almost everything for her entire life. For every 10 minutes, she earns a meal. She whimpers, but manages to go for the entire 100 minutes to get all 10 meals -- which are served as she is still at the trial. Everyone is proud of her when she returns, and so she reveals her secret --- she put wax in her ears from a candle so she didn't have to hear the sounds of the wild. Only problem is, she has no idea how to get the wax out. Julie whines to the producers seeking help and maybe even a doctor. Duh. The producers have to be very delicate when helping, because Julie's brains (such as they are) may fall out if they jostle her head too much.
Nightfall. Maria and Bruce are bitching about Tyson's attitude. Hey, Maria shows up again! She is still there! Apparently, Bruce succeeded in "winning" Cris away from Tyson, and now Tyson has gone mute. We see him even refusing to answer questions in confessional. He's pouting. Waaaaah. John shows up and agrees that Tyson is no one's friend. Yeah, he's a faux ... just like all the rest of you F-list "celebrities."
OK, now we're LIVE, and it's Wednesday morning. John LIVE tells the fauxies that this will be their last day as 10. Once again, I say thank God. And the last person chosen to do a Bush Tucker Trial by the vote of America is ... JULIE, one more time. Ooh, and it's a snake pit. Once again, Julie will be in with her own kind. Julie looks as if she wants to cry. Good work, America!
Starting tomorrow, each episode will end with a boot. Who will be the first one of these losers to leave? Stay tuned until tomorrow to see America's choice of the "low among the faux."