Previously on I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!” …
Hey, wait a minute! If this is a LIVE show, why should we care what happened previously? All we need to know is that all of these faux celebrities are still there.
Rain. Gale-force winds. Rain. Isn’t live TV grand? The women are given see-through raincoats to wear over their bikinis.
Time for some conflict. Someone peed just outside the camp instead of going to the bathroom.
What is this crap? Don’t these moron producers know ANYTHING about reality TV? We want to see people SUFFER. You don’t give them bathrooms; you hand them a shovel and tell them to dig a hole! Bathroom?! Pffffft! I remember that even the producer of BlowsVivor used to insist to the writers that the contestants had to suffer or the show would be dull. So far, this show proves me right.
But on with the show. Downtown Julie Brown and Uptown Melissa Rivers gossip. Julie says that she saw someone urinate near the water supply but she won’t say whom. So the producers treat the viewing audience to “night video” to show us.
Night. A feral pig approaches the camp, thinking it has found its missing family. It squeals and cuddles up happily next to Robin Leach. The physical resemblance is amazing. From off-camera, we can hear ex-survivor Michael Skupin plotting to butcher them both.
Then Maria Conchita Alonzo wakes up. She talks about going to the bathroom. She asks if the camera can film you in the bathroom. Maybe she goes to it; we can’t tell, but she goes off-camera. Then Melissa stirs … but she doesn’t get up. Perhaps she was dreaming of her emotional brethren, the crocodiles. Finally, Alana Hamilton Stewart, famous celebrity ex-wife, gets up and … ewwww. It’s her. She admits to it. She says she was too wet to walk to the bathroom. She leaves out “too lazy.”
Temporary camp director Julie decides to have a camp meeting to humiliate Alana in public. Julie points out where the bathroom is and where the campsite is, but she stumbles when asked to identify the difference between her a$$ and a hole in the ground.
Howard Stern sidekick Stuttering John Melendez says that this shouldn’t have been made public. Oh my. Someone from the “Howard Stern Show” has to lecture the other contestants about decency. That’s like being lectured to about racial equality by Jefferson Davis or about civil liberties by Adolf Hitler.
But it doesn’t matter. None of this matters. What matters is that we have a catfight coming up, don’t we? Like the “Miller Lite” commercials? All of America waits for Alana and Julie to go at it. But they don’t. Alana isn’t even humiliated. Heck, this is a woman who sued her plastic surgeon about her breast implants eleven years after she got them; she should have a high threshold for public embarrassment.
New camp leader time … and it’s ex-Playmate Nikki Zierling, aka “Recruit Zero” on Celebrity Boot Camp. On that show, we learned that Nikki is lazy and worthless and needs constant pampering to be happy. On this show, we learn why she’s shared so many famous beds – she has a great body. Her first order of business is to … take Alana aside and discuss peeing. Boy, this show certainly caters to the intellectual side of the viewing audience, doesn’t it?
Alana says that her agent dislikes Julie. Like any true Hollywood wannabe, Alana can’t think for herself, so she dislikes Julie too. Maybe the catfight is still coming.
Meanwhile, the guys make a rudimentary weightlifting bench and then go swimming. As men learn from an early age, it's not safe to be around angry women.
Now for the Bush Tucker Trial. As we already know, tonight’s challenge is for Nikki to face off with crocodiles. It turns out that she’s supposed to go into a swamp with two big crocs and three little crocs in it and feel around under ten buoys for ten stars. She has two minutes.
The host, John LIVE (I never caught his last name, but it must be LIVE, because that’s what he says all the time), tells Nikki that there are two croc handlers, a wrangler, and a guy with a tranquilizer gun. Nikki says she’ll try the challenge and strips down to her implants. Then it’s time for the challenge.
How dangerous is this challenge? I don’t know. Crocs are territorial, but if this isn’t their territory, then they are unlikely to attack. Freshwater crocs, which the little ones appear to be, don’t attack humans, period. The big ones look like salties, which do. However, they’ve probably just been fed, which makes crocs very lethargic. Anyway, they don’t eat silicone, so Nikki probably won’t smell like food to them. Nikki, of course, doesn’t think about any of this. All she sees is that this challenge doesn’t make good use of her talents --- you can’t promise a crocodile a role in the hay if it’s nice to you.
Nikki starts whimpering that she can’t see one of the crocs. She tries to go in but keeps freaking out and comes back out. Then she says she sees a snake. She's used to snakes, but this one is more than seven inches long, and that freaks her out even more. Anyway, the end result is that we don’t see her get any of the 10 stars, but the producers say she gets one anyway.
Nikki cries her way back to camp and exaggerates her story to the rest of the faux celebs. The other bozos cry too. I want to cry, but for very different reasons – this is the most pathetic attempt at network TV since My Mother, The Car. Then Robin and Melissa decide to complain to the producer, who tells them that Nikki was in no danger. Melissa still whines. Hey, it’s what she’s good at.
Oh, while Nikki was off playing gator bait, the other fauxies found another treasure chest. Inside is another question: “Which plastic surgery is performed most often on men in America: hair transplant or removing Alana’s lips from their … oh, sorry … hair transplant or breast reduction?” Onetime Olympian (and friend of O.J.) Bruce Jenner argues for hair transplant. He’s no dummy. Alana and Nikki, who are dummies, argue for breast reduction. In the end, Bruce prevails, and he’s right. They win … teabags. Alana says that she likes hers weak, like her men.
And now it’s time for the catfight, part II. Alana goes to the bathroom. Once again, I say: give her a shovel! When she gets there, Julie is cleaning it, and she asks Alana to wait. Ultimately, Julie and Alana exchange words. Alana goes back to camp, heads straight for the drinking water, and … no, she doesn’t have that much of a sense of humor; she just goes back and complains. To everyone. Repeatedly. She says that she is going to kick Julie’s butt. If she can find it, that is.
Julie returns. Alana wants to talk in private. Julie says no. Everyone else asks them to let it die. But not Julie. She wags her finger in Alana’s face and says that she’s going to kick Alana’s butt. Shades of Alicia and Kimmi. In fact, it looks like Alana wants to become a Kimmi-like character; she’s starting to look a little dirty around the edges.
Alana whines to everyone some more about Mean Downtown Julie. Everyone else starts whining about Alana. Whine, whine, whine. They even have whine with their dinner, which features a visit from two aborigines, whom the fauxies treat with the same level of disdain that they normally reserve for their servants back in L.A. One of the abos calls the fauxies rude. Hey, finally, someone on this show is talking sense! Better get him off right now! So the abos have to leave. Too bad.
John, the host with the least, shows up again and tells the fauxies (BTW, that’s pronounced foe-eees, which rhymes with phonies) that the person selected to do the next trial, by popular vote, is … Nikki once again. She’s going to have to lay down in a pit in the dark. She should be good at this, since she’s had so much practice on her back, but you never know. Zzzzz.