Previously on I'm A Celebrity -- Get Me Out Of Here! ...
We learned how brilliant of a producer Mark Burnett is; this show is re-enacting Survivor: The Australian Outback without wit, humor or interest. Today, the campsite floods. And it's LIVE.
Bruce says that everyone was wet and miserable all night, and they keep looking for that big yellow thing that used to come up in the sky in L.A.
Robin wants the new leader to be either himself or Melissa. He's it. Immediately, he decides to go to the producers and demand gear to withstand the storm. A tarp, dry things, more toilet paper so Bruce will stop rationing it, gardeners, cooks, masseuses, the list goes on forever.
John LIVE, the host, tells us that they've had more rain in the last six days than there has been in a year. Perhaps so, John, but Colby and Tina could have told you everything you needed to know about how much it can rain in an Australian rain forest. As Rudy might put it, those people must have been pretty dumb to build their camp in a riverbed, but you must be even dumber to go back to film in the same area and expect a different result. It rains in a rain forest. Duh.
Melissa starts bitching, and everyone else joins in. The faux celebrities (also known as the fauxies) dig a ditch to drain water, but it doesn't help much.
It's "Nikki for a quickie" and Tyson heading out to look for today's treasure chest. Nikki moves seductively against Tyson. He eyes the chest and touches the box. A snake appears. They moan in unison. But to the producers' obvious frustration, all that actually happens next is they take the treasure chest back to camp, unfulfilled. Apparently certain kinds of acting are easier to perform away from the eye of the camera.
Question: "What is a bigger turnoff to women in a partner: bad breath or a hairy back?" Easy one, and they actually answer correctly with "bad breath." They win mouthwash, in the hopes that there will be some action on this show other than just wallowing in the mud. They also win dry towels. But how to keep them dry, when all it does is rain?
Tyson, in confessional, says that he and Cris have bonded, but Bruce wants to take Cris away from him. Hmmm. It seems that bad breath and the rain aren't the only reason that there hasn't been any male-female action on this show (except in the fantasies of viewers and summary writers, that it).
The producers provide tents to cover the sleeping area. Along with the dry towels, that makes two wishes from Robin's list fulfilled for the fauxies.
Julie tells America that she still hates Alana but that Stuttering John has been great. She says she can't wait for people to get booted. America replies that it can't wait for her to meet her kin, the leeches.
Julie heads off to the trial. She gets to meet Bob, the leech wrangler. What a great job. "Bob, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "I want to be a leech wrangler, mom!" I'm sure his family is thrilled.
Bob assures Julie that people used to think leeches were medicinal, and their bites (using their 300 (!!!) teeth), don't leave a scar. Then they show her the tub, filled with hundreds of leeches. The challenge is to dive in for 5 minutes; she'll get a star for every 30 seconds. In she goes. Yummy, say the leeches. Bite. Bite. Bite. Leech bites sting, as Julie learns. Bite. Bite. Bite.
After 2.5 minutes and five stars, Julie gives up. She climbs out ... and there is a cluster of leeches stuck to her. Bob squirts something on them and they fall off. Rats, they didn't drink all her blood. She says that the leech bites felt like bee stings or acupuncture needles.
Like Alana, Julie wants to come back and brag. Of course, she doesn't have nearly as much to brag about, because she only won half as many meals as Alana did, but her ego leads her to brag twice as much.
In a live shot, it's still raining.
Everyone has lost their patience. Robin and Melissa decide to go whine to the producers some more. Waaah. Waaah. The producer gives them each a pacifier. They demand eight more. Melissa and Robin return to camp and start discussing walking out. It can't hurt their careers, because they're moribund anyway. Stuttering John says he won't go with them.
The producers, who have already given these losers tents, dry towels, and dry food today, tell the fauxies that they'll get dry clothes in 10 minutes. But no gardeners, cooks, or masseuses, because they're aren't enough Mexicans within 2000 miles for these 10 to use as slaves ... uh, servants.
Everyone starts whining over whether to leave or stay. I, for one, realize how lucky we Survivor viewers were that Mark Burnett edited the contestant rebellions out of S1 and S2; they're dull.
Final decision time. Robin wants to leave. Can't see why, because I always thought pigs liked to wallow in the mud. Bruce and Alana decide to stay, and they start scoping each other out. Maria decides to stay, too. Apparently she hopes that, if everyone else walks, she might finally get some air time. John, of course, is staying. Tyson wants to walk and is disappointed that his mate Cris is undecided. Ooh, the Tyson-Cris-Bruce triangle seems to be generating a few sparks, as several words get bleeped, and Tyson and Cris call each other names that you generally only hear in fights among women. The reasons J-Lo divorced Cris are becoming clearer by the day.
Finally, since so many people will stay, the other fauxies realize that leaving means they'll give up their last chance to work in L.A. ... and decide to stay as well. Zzzzz.
John LIVE shows up to tell the soaked fauxies that the next trial will feature ... Julie again. They didn't say what it would be, but I'm hoping for finger-wagging or stirring conflict, in which Julie excels. Oh, and tomorrow will be the last show with no boot. And don't forget, they're LIVE ... and very, very, very wet. Too bad they don't have rain make-ups on live TV.