• Jon’s energy-conserving preening was misinterpreted as laziness, Rory discovered that as a Groan-Asz Man he is excluded from the wymyn’s alliance.
• The world’s worst challenge involved carrying cups of coconut milk while walking extremely slowly; the reward was a caffeine fix while looking at pictures of Roar-y dressed as a grown-asz lion, and reading letters from home.
• Julie tricked Twila into revealing a final four pact with the men. Rory proved himself to be a grown-asz vandal, winning Yessir an immunity challenge with his ability to break stuff with rocks.
• The men debated Julie’s loyalty, and Jon tried to convince Chris to vote off Chad because the one-legged guy will get a lot of sympathy votes from the jury.
• All this was mindless blather was meant to obfuscate the obvious boot, the one they gave us in the first 28 seconds. The Low-peeing guys trusted the women’s loyalty and Jon got snuffed.
Loyalty. It’s the backbone of Survivor. If you haven’t got an alliance with folks you can trust, you haven’t got a chance. And that Twila, she’s as trustworthy as the come.
The credits are brought to you by fiery hot Pringles, and hopelessly crass Chevrolet.
Commercials… A black man with an expensive car, but there’s no state trooper chasing him. His wife’s lingerie is in the back seat. Apparently she negotiated her way out of a speeding ticket…. Now that Pixar hates them, Disney is turning old Donald Duck cartoons into computer generated 3D, which really looks like crap… You can’t kill yourself with Vioxx, so turn to Advil … Is that Keith Famie burning your food at Outback Steakhouse? … The NetZero guy offers a concession speech much shorter and more heartfelt than Ralph Nader’s … You can treat people like farm animals if you have a Bissell floor vacuum washer thingy… Clubhouse is so good, CBS clubbed it over to the dead zone on Saturday night… there’s a huge wave threatening David Caruso’s hair… The Amazing Race is coming, landing in the primo time slot previously filled by Clubhouse, which I guess isn’t as good as they led me to believe 30 seconds ago
And we’ve begun. Low-Peeing returns to camp, and Chris assures the five that this five is going to be the final five. Julie is happy she’s still around, and expresses her gratitude by rubbing her face between Sarge’s spread thighs. Chad is jealous.
The next morning, the men gather and gossip about Julie, and how she was just suckingoffup to earn another three days. Later we see Julie laying next to Sarge, arching her back, poking him with her foot and offering a peek up her shorts. Meanwhile she’s staring at Chris while biting and licking her lips. It’s phase one of a subtle strategy. Phase two involves lathering herself with personal lubricants.
Still later, on the beach, Sarge is catching some rays with Julie, and yes, Twila. Sarge confesses that Julie told him he looked good, and that he should expose his body. He pulls his shorts down, exposing his hideous a$$. (Oh dear Lord. A little late night crotch nuzzling, a beaver shot, and this poor bastard’s done thinking. Only a matter of hours until we get to the grinding.)
Sarge tells us that Julie is an exhibitionist, and the cooperative Mr. Cameraman zooms in for a close up of Julie’s butt as she pulls her bikini bottom to the side. The girl’s been in intense sun for 18 days, and has almost no visible tan lines. Apparently she only wears clothes at challenges. But this is all OK. Sarge is “comfortable with it” because he’s been to Europe. In fact, he’s so “comfortable” he can’t roll over. His shorts are down and he’s spiked himself into the beach.
Julie (yum) and Twila (ack!) bare their assets alongside Sarge. Chris and Chad discover the cheeky display on the beach. The “He Man Women Hater’s Club - Vanuatu Branch” is horrified, and they throw rocks. Chris is fixated on Sarge’s butt, saying it is an image that will never leave my memory. He shouts that Julie is a bad influence. She giggles and wiggles her naked bum cheeks.
Julie confesses that this is not a strategy on her part (of course not), but if the guys want to keep her around for “visual stimulation,” then she’s got it in the bag. Since she’s getting a thrill providing masturbatory fantasies, I’m guessing Playboy will get this little ho at a discount.
Over at Yessir, Rory and Scout are preparing breakfast, while Ami, Eliza and Leann sleep. And Rory complains… complains… and complains… about how crabby the others are. He is The Groan-Asz Man. And the women are stupid. Eliza can’t boil water. Ami is the queen. Whine, whine, whine: Rory just wants men (which is more than we can say for Ami).
Off to challenge beach. Yasur is surprised to see that the men of Lopevi were stupid enough to vote off a guy instead of a woman. Scout does everything short of running over and braiding Twila’s hair. She says she had a dream that Twila was gone and she cried. In a hurry to reveal his pseudo alliances, Sarge blurts out that “Twila ain’t goin’ no where.” Twila rocks back and forth with an uncomfortable smile.
The reward challenge is a bucket brigade event where buckets have to be thrown. The last pass is done from bucket to bucket, and the last person takes the bucket up a tower to fill a larger bucket. Once full, the large bucket sets off The Mousetrap Game, which eventually lights the Flaming Wok Tower of Victory.
As Jeff gets ready to reveal the reward, an eager Julie blurts out, “Oh God, it’s big.” But no, this reward is milk, cookies and chocolate cake. Jeff will give Julie her “reward” in a Vanuatu hotel room in about 10 days.
The relay begins with Sarge and Eliza filling the buckets. Sarge is throwing to Twila, who throws to Julie, then to Chad and finally to Chris. Eliza throws to Leann, who throws to Scout, then to Ami and finally to Rory. You’d think Yasur would have an advantage in any challenge that involves retaining water. Not true.
The first time through most of them are horrible, and they don’t learn too quickly. Sarge starts coaching, and Lopevi starts to actually transfer water drop by drop. Tossing their big cans, The Women of Yasur are playing Wet T-shirt contest.
This is certainly familiar to Ami. But for someone who made a living slinging her big cans around, MissI don’tPlaywithBoys is pretty worthless.
The only thing saving Yasur is Rory, who wrings out his soaked clothes into the bucket. After all that crying this morning, there are plenty of tears. He also urinates in the bucket. We are repeatedly shown the same previously shot footage of water being poured into the yellow bucket from a distance. After three viewings, the water level remains the same.
Lopevi has figured this bucket thing out, and they are catching up. Rory is now draining the sweat from his sneakers. Lopevi’s bucket begins to move… one more bucket and Lopevi wins reward!
They gather around Julie, grab a taste and carry the goodies back to camp. The also bring the cookies, milk and cake.
Commercials. People are happy to have cancer because Neulasta makes chemotherapy a pleasant experience, except for those rare cases where splenic rupture may occur… Pringles’ annoying and smug little girl precedes A Moment in Survivor History, a warm reminder of the happy Amazon day when Jenna’s sorority crown was burned in the fire that consumed the camp… NFL types love Chunky Soup, while cheerleaders love uniforms that say CHUNKY across their chest… JCPenney is having the biggest sale ever; Pierce Brosnan can’t be James Bond anymore, so he’s turned to a life of jewel thievery, and brain dead Woody Harrelson is an FBI agent. … Promo for CSI, where writers have run out of plot ideas and resorted to recycling last season’s murderers, despite the fact we saw them executed… Promo for Without a Case, that real FBI show searching for Anthony LaPaglia’s career… then a promo for JAG, which is about Yasur’s coffee machine… A promo for the always tasteful Country Music Awards shows Shania Twain doing squat thrusts in tin foil panties (Hello wardrobe malfunction!) And we go back to the show…after only four paid commercials and six minutes of CBS promos. Even the advertisers knew this season was gonna suck.