Disclaimer: This recap is intended to ridicule, demean, patronize and otherwise offend the participants of this reality show as well as its viewing audience. Should you not feel offended by its contents, please contact the author or respond below and offense will happily be given. However, please do not judge the real 12 Steps (for which the author has much respect) by this writing except insofar as it encourages you to get help if you need help…not that I’m judging you personally…which I am…
This episode of Survivor is brought to you by an upcoming interview with Bob Dylan who says he is perceived as being a “drunk or a sicko” or something.
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over Ami. She was making our lives unmanageable.
Previously on Survivor, relatives visited and there was much bawling by Twila. Eliza won the visit and there was much squealing. Twila swore on her son’s name not to betray Ami and Julie and Leanne. The powerful alliance of wymyn decided to eliminate Eliza.
Twila then revealed her cunning plan: Bring Eliza over to the dark side and thereby destroy the Ami Alliance. She employed subtle mind tricks to reveal her plan to Chris while maintaining her own implausible deniability. In a move forever after known as Rescuing the Show, the newly formed Twila-Chris-Eliza-Scout alliance banded together to oust Leanne. Six are left.
The credits roll. Do you remember Brady? Damn he’s hot.
Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than Ami could restore Survivor to its former market share.
Commercial Break The First (and I promise on my best friend’s son’s name that this is the only set I intend to recap) There were 9 ads in total. These are the ones worthy of note for their inherent stupidity: (1) Football widows who yearn for the scent of cheap men’s cologne; (2) Ellen shilling for Amex. What’s up with that? I saw DeNiro in one of these ads earlier today. Are these people just that desperate for attention? DeNiro, for God’s sake! But I digress…(3) There is a HUGE sale on clothes this weekend at every department store. It’s their biggest sale of the year. Even bigger than last week’s sale to end all sales. But don’t worry if you miss it. There will be an even better one next week.
Step Three: Made a decision to turn our chances for a million dollars over to the whims and caprices of an alliance of fools.
Night Vision Cam A snake curls up around the trunk of a tree. Ami snarks that what happened to Leanne at TC was “a nice move,” while Twila says she “stuck up for the little guy.”
Step Four: Took a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and the people around us.
Step Five: Admitted to a cameraman, ourselves and several million viewers the exact nature of our wrongs.
Ami is ticked that Twila swore on her own family and reneged. In an interview, Ami says she lost respect for Twila. Twila, meanwhile, feels that Ami is high and mighty and is glad she “overthrew the queen and little princess.” Twila notes that she has “a great mind.” Ami admits to her own cockiness but adds that she is also a nice person. She frets in an interview that she now has nobody to rely on. Poor poor Ami.
Step Six: Were entirely ready to have our physical defects and limitations exposed before all of the viewing public.
Tree Mail: A jar of water arrives as tree mail. The brain trust of Eliza deduces that this challenge will involve water. In an effort to drum up sympathy, we get to see a frightening view of Eliza’s now very prominent scapulae. These shoulder blades of hers are even more prominent and horrifying than her googly eyes.
Reward Challenge: Jeff drives up in a product placed vehicle which will go to the challenge winner. The top three finishers will also get a night in a Vanuatu spa, complete with cocktails, food, hot showers and a nice bed…but not if you’re Chris. We’ll get to that later. To mash salt into the wounds, Jeff displays a mockup of the restaurant’s menu.
The challenge involves running to the water, swimming to a series of platforms, running across these, then diving into the water to retrieve one of three flags. They perform the entire ordeal 3 times, retrieving a flag each time.
Swimming, running, diving ensues. To give you an idea of Scout’s performance, let’s just say that I believe at some point she finally got across the beach and into the water. As for the rest, Ami, Julie and Chris each made valiant but vain attempts to win. Ami took second place. Chris and Julie had a close race for third. At one point, mid-race, Chris asked Julie if this was something she wanted badly. She said, “I do.” He said, “me too.” Chris took third place. They were all beat out by Eliza of all people. She got the car…and squealed, of course. Ami, Chris and Eliza drove away while the rest of the motley crew slunk back to their miserable existence.
Step Seven: Humbly asked our opponents to forgive our strategizing.
The Reward The three winners arrive at a little white hotel where they are instructed to strip and leave their clothing in a basket. (Out of respect for the PG-13 nature of this board, I won’t be able to expound on the prurient nature of my thoughts.) They then proceed to shower. (see above) Alas for Chris, the “bitches” did not leave him any hot water.
Clad only in matching bathrobes and big red flowers, Ami and Eliza hold hands and walk along the beach. Ami apologizes to Eliza for having voted for her ouster last TC. Eliza forgives her and apologizes for falling for the cunning ways of Scout and Twila.
The Vanuatu Family Singers serenade the trio as they lounge with pre-dinner cocktails. At dinner, they eat like they haven’t eaten a real meal in weeks. Ami confesses to her dining companions that she knows she is a “physical power player” then suggests they “break up Twila and Scout.” She then excuses herself from the table to let that all sink in.
Eliza, the mother of all morons, actually considers the merits of Ami’s plan. Chris points out that Twila and Scout are old and will not give them any real competition once they are in the final four.
They retire to bed. Well, Ami and Eliza retire to a bed while Chris sleeps on a couch on the other side of the door. He listens in as Ami and Eliza plot and plan. I would again like to note that Eliza is a nitwit.
Commercials (I know. I promised on my best friend’s son’s name, but aren’t we all liars after all?): (1) There is this movie of epic proportions that RottenTomatoes says only has something like 10% positive reviews. How is it possible they have a list this long of blurbs from reviewers saying things like “Oscar-worthy performance!” “Brilliant!” “Stunning!”? (2) A woman has a wet dream about shopping for a coat. Sex sells, people! (3) My own local news bimbo fretting about the weather. Guess what? It might be cold tomorrow. Ooh. She’s good. And may I here note that I know nothing about the relative superiority of our local news versus anyone else’s as I get all my television news from Jon Stewart. This is in part because I do not like to be reminded that I live in Texas, very near the home of the Cowboys and (God help us) George Bush the Current.