7:59pm. Okay, only a couple of minutes to go. Have I got everything? I have my photos, check. I have my tattoos. Pen, check. Notepad, check. Whisky - what little is left - check. Roofies, check. Okay, I'm good to go. I hope I haven't forgotten anything. Here come the titles...
8:01pm The titles are over, and Jeff Probst’s done his usual 'last time on Survivor' shtick. Same old bullshit. Rory, brak. Merge, brak. Ami, brak. Julie, Twila, double-cross, brak. Rory voted off, brak. The men are idiots, brak. Oh wait, that was me. It's so bloody obvious I only thought he said it. Still, it's still all too familiar. Far too familiar.
8:59pm What am I doing? Was I watching Survivor? I can't remember what happened. I guess it was just the usual boring crap they always serve us up. The voice of the host - PJ Proby, or whatever his name is - is telling us what happens 'Next time on Survivor'. There is a storm, then according to PJ, "Scout makes her move." An elderly woman is shown hugging a stringy-haired guy, then talking to a smaller guy with puffy hair and a narrow-nosed women. I don't know who any of these people are. My memory is not working at all. Have I been drugged? "The guys will vote with us," says this elderly woman who looks a bit like a superannuated hippy. "Then, the game changes." "I'm not real trusting in the ladies," says a horse-faced woman with large breasts.
Then it's time for someone's final words. This week, it is the turn of a jowly forty-something guy to claim he had a great experience on the show. "It put another chip in the foundation of what I believed in," this character says, showing that at least the show is rid of one of the idiots of the season. "I would not like to be there while you all tear each other's head off," he finishes.
I turn off the TV. I have an odd feeling I should be doing something, but I can't remember what it was. There's a notepad in front of me, covered in what looks like my handwriting. I glance at it, but can't make any sense of it.
Ah, now I remember. 'The Apprentice' is on. Where did I put that remote?
8:50pm Okay, so what am I doing? Sitting here watching adverts. Should I change the channel? Maybe I can catch some nudity on the 'Discovery Health' channel. What channel is that on again? Let's try 49. Wait. There's something written on my arm. It says 'You are summarizing Survivor for Survivorblows'. Really? They must have gone through something like fifteen alternates first. For some reason my memory is fuzzy, and I can't remember anything about either that or the show. There's an empty half-bottle of cooking whisky on the table in front of me - Famous Grouse - but I don't think that's it. I think I've been drugged!
I look around, but there’s no one in the room but me. My left arm is covered with notes. One says: “You are alone.” Another says: “You must summarize this episode, or you will suffer.” Another one says: “Things are not what they seem.”
Weird. Well, there's no immediate threat, but whoever wrote on my arm wants me to summarize this episode, so I guess I’d better get going.
Here come's Survivor. I can't remember what's happened so far, but it’s ten-to-nine, so the immunity challenge must have been concluded, and this is the aftermath.
I have Polaroid photos of each of the contestants. One guy I managed to identify as 'Sarge' - who it says in block letters under his photo is safe from being voted off tonight - is saying he's pissed off with himself because some piece of the puzzle would not work with him.
Then a big-toothed, big-breasted mid-thirties woman who appears to be wearing around her neck an immunity necklace says that she's not sure that her win in the immunity challenge was such a good idea. She says that the reason for this was "- just because I'm already seen as a stronger... woman? And that's a threat to some of the other women?" I find a Polaroid photo that identifies this woman - and despite her doubt, she's definitely female - as 'Ami'. In anonymous block letters after some scored-out words, it says she is a "MAKE-WEIGHT NON-ENTITY", which seems to conflict with her own self-assessment. But I suppose that's normal, and anyway this is a person who wasn't even sure of her own gender, despite having two enormous reminders right there in front of her the whole time.
A woman named Leanne who is apparently running the game according to my unsourced notes embraces Ami. "I'll win all the rewards and you can win all the immunities," she says. "Okay," says Ami. "I like that plan."
Ami goes on to say in confessional that she plans to vote for Sarge at that night's Tribal Council, because he's a strong physical threat. But I already know he's safe. This arrogant and useless woman is about to get a rude awakening! Excellent.
Sarge is seen crouched - and possibly hiding - in a hollow at the base of a tree. "Basically I get the feeling I'm going home because of a physical threat," he says. "But I actually think there could be a twist and Eliza is going home. Because Scout is that much against her."
That must be how he turns the tables. But is the editor of this show really going to allow the plan to be laid out like that? Momentarily doubtful, I search my photos fruitlessly until I find a magazine article titled "Survivor's Mark Burnett' Latest Show Flops." Beneath a photo of a familiar long-nosed Englishman, there are some scored-out words and the statement "MARK BURNETT HAS CHANGED HIS WAYS AND DOES NOT EDIT MISLEADINGLY." So it's all on the level, then. Sarge is going to worm his way out of this. I can't wait to see the women's reactions.