Thank you for purchasing Survivor: Vanuatu, Episode 6 on DVD. Because of the sheer lousiness of this season, Survivor Entertainment Group chose to never release the DVD to the public. Luckily, thanks to a crowbar and a terrible security system at SEG, I was able to "retrieve" this exclusive DVD package. This thing's got lots of bonus features, such as cast commentaries and, um... ridiculous exaggeration. So, sit back, relax, and try to enjoy Survivor: Vanuatu, the DVD.
Last week on Survivor: -Scout and Sarge mixes up the tribes. -Bubba inconspicuously passes hints across tribal lines. -The ladies of Yasur vote Bubba off.
"Hello everybody. Welcome to this Survivor: Vanuatu cast commentary. This is Episode 6, titled "Hog Tied," first aired October 21st, 2004. I'm Jeff Probst, and I yelled at Yasur in this episode."
Lisa: "I'm Lisa Keiffer, and I sat around for 12 days." Rory: "I'm Rory Freeman, and I complained a lot during this episode."
Part One: Co-ed Woes
It's Night 12 at the Yasur Tribe. The group just voted off Bubba, and Rory's pretty upset. He sits at the fire, complaining about the circumstances. In a confessional, he tells us that the girls made a big mistake by telling him that he was going to booted that night. Now he knows that he's an outsider in the tribe. Nice detective skills, Rory. The "Case of Why Nobody Likes Rory" is solved.
Rory: "No assumptions here! My deductive deliciousness gave me 3 more days on the island." Lisa: "Don't spoil the ending, Rory. This week's bootee is a surprise."
Rory blames Scout for putting him up on the "auction block," whatever that means. He also says he's trying to come off as an "angry brother" to the girls. Scout, in a confessional, doesn't know what Rory's talking about. She wants him to get over it already.
Meanwhile, at the Lopevi Tribe, we finally have some estrogen in the camp. Sarge says it's a blessing to have ladies in the camp, even though they don't need 'em. What is this, The Little Rascals? Go work on your soapbox derby racer, Spanky.
Julie's happy to be on the Lopevi Tribe. She says that the Yasur women are too passive-aggressive. It's nice to be with folks who choose to exclude her to her face. Twila, on the other hand, worries about being an outsider on her new tribe. She's hoping they keep on winning challenges.
Part Two: This Little Piggy Had Roast Beef...
Tree mail! Let's see what we have: You sit all day long, not working as a team. The Yasur Tribe makes All Stars a good dream.
You voted off Bubba, a seriously bad crime. Time to call up PETA, It's pig rasslin' time!
Before we go off to challenge, Rory's got another announcement to make. First he apologizes to the girls for the stuff he said last night. However, he will not "slave" around camp if the girls aren't going to give him a shot at surviving. If you just keep him around, *then* he'll slave away all you want, I guess. I'm not too sure on this. I'm not a Logic King like Rory.
Rory: "Yeah, in this scene, I was going for the "angry brother" character again. It was a cheesy speech, but hey, I'm a cheesy guy." Lisa: "I like cheese." Jiffy: "Lisa, do you have anything interesting to say in this commentary?" Lisa: "I like commentaries."
Time for the Reward Challenge! The two tribes arrive at a large mud-filled pigpen. Stunningly, this penned area is filled with pigs.
Rory: I quickly deduced that this challenge has something to do with pigs
Jiffy explains that each tribe member has to enter the pigpen, catch a pig, and take it back to their team's gated section. Each person must get two pigs. Two tribe members (Scout and Julie) are gatekeepers. Their job is to open and close the gate. They are also absolved of any blame for the team's failure. The first team to get 10 pigs in their pen wins some steak and eggs.
*cue Deliverance-esque banjo music*
Lopevi was really good at this challenge. No one seemed to have any trouble. Yasur? That's a different story. They were behind by one or two pigs during most of the challenge. To make things worse, Eliza can't get a single one. She spent most of her time doing laps around the pigpen, until she gives up. In the end, Sarge bags the last pig, and Lopevi wins Reward.
Jiffy: That was some of the worst pig catching I've ever seen.
After the commercial break, Lopevi cooks up the steak and eggs. Everyone is loving this reward, especially Sarge. He tells us that steak and eggs are even better than sex.
...I think I'll leave that comment alone.
Part Three: "This Little Piggy Had None..."
The mood at Yasur is a little more somber. Eliza failed miserably at the challenge. Leann, Rory, and Lisa seem to think so. Leann, in a confessional, gripes about people who fail at stuff. Failure is her pet peeve. Rory and Lisa, always looking for a scapegoat, agree with this sentiment. Rory finds it ironic that he's the one on the "auction block," but Eliza's the one killing the tribe.
Jiffy: "Rory, I've got to ask... What's the deal with the 'auction block'? It's always been called the 'chopping block.' People have been calling it that since the dawn of reality TV. That's the worst use of labels I've ever seen." Rory: "'Chopping' has such a negative connotation. I prefer to be won over by the highest bidder." Lisa: "I bid one dollar, Bob!"
Meanwhile, Eliza's crying to Ami about her performance in the Reward Challenge. She isn't used to being bad at things. With today's job market, I don't blame her. Pig catching is an essential résumé skill. She also blames Scout for her failure. If Scout wasn't around, then Eliza could have been the gatekeeper. Scout clearly doesn't understand the rules. All low skill jobs go to Eliza. That includes gatekeeping, Scout. And you people wonder why she isn't used to failing?
By the way, Rory has finally found the crack. In the girls' alliance, I mean.
Back at Lopevi, Julie is about to sunbathe. Yawn. Been there, done that. Except in the Amazon, we still had three women younger than 30 prancing around. Chad, channeling the idiot middle-schooler inside, giggles something about having ladies in the camp.
Sarge awkwardly adds: "If you got it, sunbathe it."
...Let us all pray that Sarge will never "get it." Please. Think of the children.
Oh, but Sargeisms aren't over yet! He goes hunting for some food with Twila in the woods. He tells us in a confessional that he'd take Twila as his best friend over all of the other Yasur girls. He's also looking to add on to his crumbling alliance. Why?
Sarge: "Three is a really odd number."
Sarge? Is a genius. Not only does he recognize three's oddness, he also recognizes that four is more than three. He offers up a Final Four pact to Twila. Twila, still skeptical, accepts the offer.