Itís hard to believe, isnít it my friends, that this season of Survivor is FINALLY over. It seems like only last Januray or so that Mark Burnett and company introduced us to one of the most boring collections of reality show competitors in television history. My how time drags when youíre listening to Eliza brak and Twila cuss.
Previously on Survivor: OMG. I had actually forgotten that instead of a quickie recap of the previous week, MB actually spends TEN FRIGGING MINUTES reminding us how each and every sorry one of these ďplayersĒ was booted all the way from Brooke (sorry ExI) to Julie. Iím not going to waste your time going over that---if you want to know, you can go back and read the excellent summaries that have been written this season. They are way more entertaining and worthwhile than this television cud. I did notice that they didnít go into any detail about the worst reward ever: hot dogs, champagne, and beer at a volcano. What did they spend on that one? $25?
Night 364 We begin looking in our camp with our Final Four players. Before I go on, I just have to say, these are the most unlikely Final Fours, as a whole, ever. They are The Little Tribe That Canít. Weíve got Eliza who canít shut up, Chris who canít balance, Twila who canít play nice and Scout who canít walk, run, swim, crawl, hop, dance or skip. Thanks to Amiís ego and the stupidity of some Lopevi men, theyíve managed to finagle their way in to this ďeliteĒ group.
Iíve met Mark Burnett, you know (in case you didnít, I have. Really. I donít make these things up. Heís short) and that relationship gives me special access to his editing notebook which I naturally share with you all as I summarize. Iím a giver, you see.
MBís notebook: To my challenge creators: I want you to come up with some way to keep the old, decrepit bats out of my final four, dammit. Weíve had Mama Kim, Pappy, Granny Jan, Scoutmaster Lil and now Cripple Scout. Bloody hell, I pay you people good money to get me something that will engage the audience at the end. How can I hype THIS final four? Do you not realize that this gives old people more incentive to apply for the show? The last fricking thing I NEED is more old people. We need naked people. Why did they vote out Julie?
Julie was booted last week and seemed totally shocked that Chris would betray her. Chris, in his first confessional, explains that this was his way of getting back at Julie for screwing him after the merge and voting out Sarge. Eliza is totally thrown for a loop. She is surprised that Julie is gone, depressed because she doesnít know who to trust and annoying because she is still speaking. Chris tells her that voting people out is just part of the game (Eliza is simple that way, you see).
Since Eliza is mad at Chris, she does what anyone who is smart would and takes her aggressions out on Twila. After all, it makes loads of sense to antagonize someone with a solid alliance at this point of the game. No sense trying to make nice and hang around for, you know, the END.
MBís notebook: To the casting fvckwits: NO MORE ďSMARTĒ GIRLS. They are bad game players and they talk way too much. Is it just me, or does Eliza look more like ET every week?
Twila basically tells Eliza that she is nothing more than a coat-tail rider and that she should be more of a player, you know like Scout. Scoutís been all about the challenges and the competition and the tribeís survival. Twila actually says all of this with a straight face. Eliza counters back with more brilliance: being lazy in camp is her STRATEGY. Evidently she thinks that this will garner her some measure of respect as a real gamer. I donít think I need to tell you that it doesnít. It actually sends Twila off the deep end as she rants about Eliza lying around and doing nothing but boiling water. Essentially, it is Elizaís fault that Scout hasnít won any challenges, I think. Eliza rests up and makes everyone else work and then they are tired, but Eliza is refreshed and ready to win. Somehow Eliza never mentions the fact that she is 1/2 Twila and 1/3 of Scoutís ages might have a tiny little bit to do with all of that.
Chris wisely stays of this fracas. Scout does, too, because she only speaks when she can play her Earth Mother routine or sneer and laugh at her own jokes.
In confessional, Eliza braks on about the fact that Twila is a dumb bitch and how she never thought that this would be the Final Four.
MBís notebook: Frankly, Eliza, neither did I. Your yappy ass should have been gone weeks ago. Why am I still listening to you? Why do you look like a bug-eyed skeleton? What is with that giant tumor on your forehead? Why canít you be hot like Jenna M?
Day 3787 The sun is shining, Itís time for a challenge. The tree mail is so boring this season that we donít even see it half the time anymore.
MBís notebook: We need a new gimmick for next season. The mail thing is old. Note to self: come up with a new plan. Maybe have natives come in and deliver messages via singing telegram? Hmmmm. Oh, wait, I know. Weíll just add some contestants and that will make the show different and exciting. People wonít notice how sucky our little challenge ditties are then. Theyíll be awed by my genius. After all, I did bring them Casino.
Jiffy, looking every bit as hot as he usually does, welcomes the Canít Tribe to the Immunity Challenge. He is standing in front of what looks like a giant, homemade Connect Four game. It also, for reasons that I cannot explain, reminds me of Stratego. Jiffy is almost breathless with excitement as he gushes out that this is the FIRST EVER Survivor vertical maze!!!!!!
Insert dancing Jiffy here-------------->
MBís notebook: And people said that our challenges were all old and boring. This is brilliance, man. Brilliance! Who needs to be able to see the contestants actually working their way through? We can get tight shots of them scampering in the tunnel-things and pretend like thatís exciting. Maybe, just maybe, theyíll bump into each other! Now thatís good TV folks.
The rules are very simple: each Survivor (Iím sorry, I feel guilty when I that) has to run up to the maze, climb around and find 10 sets of tiles. There are 2 tiles in each set. They put the tiles on a tray (think a giant Scrabble tray) and once they have all 10 pair, they will be able to untie the tiles and see letters. They will then take the letters and create a two-word answer. The first to come up with the correct two words, wins.
This is a long challenge. Even edited down for our viewing pleasure, it took like 45 minutes. I canít imagine what it must have been to sit through it in real time. Eliza, Chris and Twila stayed within one or pair of each other the whole game. Scout, meanwhile, doddered along at a mind-numbing pace.
MBís notebook: If this one doesnít get rid of Scout, then nothing will. She has sucked at every challenge so far, but not enough. Climbing AND crawling AND walking AND running? Itís cruel and I love it.
At the end, Chris and Twila have their letters out first and are scrambling to sort them out and spell the final two-word answer. As usual, itís something that is fairly easy because we wouldnít want them to hurt their brains. FINAL THREE. Chris gets it first and wins!
Wait a minute. They had to get 10 sets of two tilesÖ.even my feeble math skills can figure out that they have a total of 20 tiles. F-I-N-A-L T-H-R-E-E. Thatís 10 letters and one space. Why did they have to go get 10 pair of tiles? Was that challenge not long and boring enough getting to 6 pair? A classic example of Survivor overkill. Maybe next season they will take a spoon and fill up a bottle of waterÖÖoh, wait. Nevermind.
Okay, so Chris wins immunity. Bless his hippie-haired heart. Heís thrilled to have finally won an IC. Twila is clearly not as happy and Eliza looks up to see the buzzards circling. Scout is still stuck up somewhere in the maze looking for her 4th set of tiles.
MBís notebook: Thank you, God. Thank you for not letting Eliza win. Iím ready for her to go home.