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Survivor: Vanuatu - Episode 13 Summary

'Oh My God, Chris!' By Coconut
Original Airdate: December 9, 2004

Last week on Survivor: Showers, Sarongs, Strategy and Sniping.
Eliza inherited the dreaded Car Curse, Fat Boy won immunity, and Twila kicked Ami's high-and-mighty silicone drama-queen behind at Tribal Council.

Scout and Julie did nothing much. Welcome to the Most.Boring.Season.Ever.

We are treated once more to the full cast of Survivor "characters." I've often wondered why MB does it, but this season I think he's justified. After all, not only were the hot people booted early on in the game, but that intro fills at least one minute that would otherwise have to be devoted to fruit bats or geological phenomena. Way to plump for that Emmy, Barnett.

It's also a great lead-in to COMMERCIALS. Since nobody is interested in my podunk-province car salesmen, let me use this time (graciously provided by Reality TV World) to say


Thank you for your time.

Once the "characters" get back from Tribal, Twila channels her inner Ami and starts giving Eliza, who had the misfortune to say something she actually thinks in front of Jiffy and the jury, a piece of her mind. (Which is surprising, really, when you consider how sparing she ought to be with her little grey cells.) The most entertaining aspect of this spat is the ultra-dramatic music and the snazzy little drumbeats that cover up Twila's constant use of the term "mother*kaboom*". Really, I think MB must have gotten a deal on some cheesy movie score, because on the excitement scale, Twila and Eliza's argument is a one, and the music is presaging at least an eight. Foul language aside, how many more times do we need to hear that Eliza is annoying? We know, already.

Also annoying is the argument postmortem, consisting exclusively of Eliza (who looks disturbingly like a lemur in the night shots) huffing and puffing about how she won't tolerate Twila's behaviour and how shocking it is. Julie Who makes noises about turning it to her advantage, but really, we all know that the most annoying person right after Tribal is never the next person to go home, so let's just skip right over Julie and get this summary done in time for the finale, shall we?

Twila sulks all the next day, causing much caballing and girly subtitling between No-Name Julie and Eliza. Chris, who seems to hog the confessionals this episode, says that Twila is alienating people, but he is enjoying the catfights. What he really wants to see is somebody's bikini top coming off, but he'll settle for the million. (I made that up, but wouldn't the majority of you rather see somebody's bikini top come off than watch MB keep trying to lead us around by the nose?)

Oh, I know! You'd rather have a...

Flash Quiz!

At this point, it becomes apparent that Eliza has a Third Eye. Somehow, she's managed to acquire a dime-sized bruise right in the middle of her forehead. How, pray tell, did she do that?

A. Fetching water
B. Getting firewood
C. Burying bananas
D. Her flapping tongue

Stumped? It's B, naturally. Eliza is an exceptionally hard worker around camp and she does her best to improve the tribe's living conditions.

What, you're laughing too hard to read? Well, okay, I made that up. She was actually trying to French braid Twila's hair while Twila was getting firewood. Who says Eliza doesn't do her part for tribal unity?

Somewhere in here, there was a COMMERCIAL. Due to my almost total lack of journalistic integrity, I don't want to check the tape, though, so I'll just tell you one last time:



When we return to the Islands of *yawn* Fire, it's the much-anticipated Recycling Challenges That Were Boring The First Time event. The reward is possibly the cheapest that MB can get: horseback riding, hot dogs, and non-sponsored beer. Luckily, the contestants are the cheapest he could get, so at least there's no grousing.

The twist this time is that one player is eliminated after each Boring Event. Looks like MB's inability to get a beer sponsor (a BEER sponsor - these are companies that advertise during curling tournaments, forcryingoutloud!) is really cutting into production costs.

Everyone lines up to crawl through the mud, covering any body parts worth seeing, and Jiffy, in a blindingly brilliant observation, notes that "Scout is first eliminated." The remaining four contestants have to catch a pig with an orange stripe, and, true to type, Eliza continues to meet her Waterloo in the pig pen. Code? You betcha. Chris then attempts to take the Stupid crown by losing one piece of his tiki puzzle, while Twila takes herself out by twisting her ankle in the cargo net. Julie Whoozat? channels Rory for the slingshot segment and easily takes the reward without even having had to flash her oobies *click*.

She decides to take Chris with her on the reward, which is so devoid of interest (barring their guide Joe's antenna headgear and Chris' power struggle with his horse) that I keep seeing sexual innuendo everywhere.

I mean think about it. They ride horses. They eat hot dogs with huuuuuge.. rolls. They cook the aforementioned hot dogs in a hole in the ground. They talk about "being tight." They watch a volcano exploding in the night. They breathe heavily, make ooohing and aaaahing sounds and compare things to fireworks. To top it all off, the reward footage is interrupted once and only once, and that is to show Twila and Eliza fighting about buried bananas. Call me crazy, call me Freud, but sometimes a volcano just ain't a banana, if you know what I mean.

COMMERCIAL once again, and I would like to say this time, that


Thank you once again for your time.

The returning shot after that wildly important public service announcement is, inexplicably, of a fruit bat. Perhaps MB is implying that Chris has the intellect of a fruit bat? I'd be willing to go for that, considering that he has embarked on a downward spiral of lies and deceit that could only have one result: ...

Well, I'm not going to tell you, am I, even though it is 11pm EST?

Anyway, Chris is digging himself a deep-ish hole by making fervent promises to both sides of the tribe. Scout and Twila want him to stick with them and Eliza and her third eye want to screw Twila over. Chris has yet another smug confessional proclaiming how everyone trusts him, even though he's a smarmy bastard that is only saved from looking like Meat Loaf by a thirty-nine day starvation diet and some facial hair. Unlike Meat Loaf, however, he will do that, whatever THAT is. But I digress.

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