• Noel wasn’t eliminated. Surprise! • Noel was eliminated. Surprise!
...in between there was a bunch of b!tching and moaning and some drinking of blood. Four little monkeys are left, who will be voted off tonight?
The guests return from the Elimination Ceremony stunned at Noel’s departure. Eric says he wasn’t expecting it and just doesn’t know anymore, shocking the millions of viewers who didn’t realize he had ever known before. Nichole says, “It’s a crapshoot every time, unless you do something really horrifying. It’s a crapshoot.” Come on Snake Eyes! Jamie confesses that it was the most stressful elimination yet (that is, her eye makeup had a runniness factor of +10%) and that she wasn’t prepared for Noel to go. She tells the other that she has a stomachache. Drinking blood will do that to you.
Nichole confesses that she thinks Noel was eliminated because the Alts were led to believe he had an addiction to cold medicine. Nevermind that they were led to believe that by Noel himself (with assists from Loana and the Ancestors at 16:44 in the 3rd. You never want to let in those soft ones in the playoffs. Sorry, I’ve got hockey on the brain).
Loana is confused and asks if Noel said anything about her because it seemed like he thought it was her fault. Jamie says he thought when Ta’Shia asked about the cold medicine, she should have told her to go ask Noel. Maybe he would have rather had her tell Ta’Shia that the only thing he’s addicted to is lying. Flashback to Ta’Shia telling Art and Fiona that Loana had told her that Noel was still taking cold medicine and Fiona saying she trusts Loana and that she wouldn’t lie <cue laughtrack>. In all fairness to Loana, it does appear she didn’t lie, and didn’t understand the import of Ta’Shia’s question, that the Alts were concerned about a non-existent addiction. Of course, once she found the knife in his ribs, she didn’t hesitate to twist it.
Meanwhile, we see the Alts for the first time (that I can remember, at least) discussing roommate selection. Fiona wants to choose Eric because she wants to spend time with him before the next elimination ceremony. Art thinks that he needs a man-to-man rite of passage, and nominates the much more manly Avocado. Ta’Shia agrees that this may be just what he needs. Fiona, afraid that her boy toy may get eliminated, suggests she have him for one night and Avocado have him the other. Art pounds his fist and questions why she’s so adamant about getting one more night in with him (ho-ho!). Fiona assures him that she’s not babying him. Yeah, I’m sure that’s what he’s worried about. Unless that’s code for something. I mean, I hear some people are into that “babying” stuff, and this is a haven of alternative lifestyles, so weird fetishes might fit right in.
Fiona says most of what she’s done with him is cut him off at the head. That sounds painfully enough like a (modern) primitive man-to-man rite of passage right there, so what is Art complaining about? She says she crucified him and made a space around him to see if he’d build himself up, and he did. Avocado says he needs to put him through the fire (now why didn’t they think of that for this week’s Witch’s Trial? But more on that later). Poor Eric, being beheaded, crucified, and burned at the stake. What are they going to do next, hang the poor guy?
Fiona pouts and drops the subject, and says they can take him this time and she will have him if he survives the next elimination. Agreed, they head to the living room to announce the roommate selections. Ta’Shia, chooses Jamie, Art chooses Nichole, and Avocado chooses Eric, to Fiona’s grimace of disapproval. Fiona announces that she and Don don’t want to spend any time with Loana with the excuse that it would be good for her to spend some time alone. Loana, rightly offended, asks what she means by that. Fiona says “Just what I said, time alone” but insists that it’s not punishment. Loana has tears in her eyes, but holds out until she’s in the Big-A$$ Throne of Confession to cry and say she’s really hurt *sniff* but is just *sniff* going to keep quiet *sniff* because if she *sniff* says anything it’s just going to come back on her *sniff* and they’re going to think she’s done something wrong *sniff* again *sniff* and she’s really confused right now *sniff* and is going to go eat worms.
In Avocado’s room, said Alt is informing Eric that he and Art both cannot have him be the winner if he leaves and goes back to nightclubbing and chasing girls “in that way” again. Eric tells him that he knows that lack of purpose has been his problem for a long time. In confessional he says that Avocado has taken him under his wing and so he’s going to try and say and do the right things and hopefully walk away with a little bit of money in his pocket. Yeah, maybe they’ll spring for bus fare or something.
Coming up on Mad Mad House, Fiona has a breakdown, and the guests are sent to the gallows. But first, commercials. Quizno’s Mesquite Chicken with Bacon for $2.99. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm toasty! Whatever happened to the Quizno’s freaky-eyed, bowler-hat-wearing, “singing” hamsters? I bet they’re off filming as hosts of Mad Mad House 2. (“We love tha moooon! Cause it is always full! On Mad Mad House! I’m a creepy little mouse and I escaped from the lab and I’m trying to take over the world Pinky just like we do every night! We like tha moon!!!!” Oops, wrong mice).
In the kitchen, Fiona is playing with a snake (not Eric’s) and informs Jamie and Loana that she’d like to do a ritual to reinforce what “real” witchcraft is, but she’s not sure if Loana wants to participate. Hey Fiona, maybe if you’d quit with the backhanded invitations she’d be more willing! Loana asks what kind of ceremony it is, and Fiona says it’s more of a gift-giving thing, really. Like Christmas and Santa Clause, I guess; Loana shouldn’t have any problem with that. Loana says she’d love to be part of it, but would prefer not to have to repeat the casting of spells and stuff (don’t worry Loana, last time her “spell” was a Euro Goth song, this time it will probably just be her grocery list). Fiona tells Loana they’re not becoming witches or anything, and it’s not denying the role of faith; rather, it’s about new experiences. Loana tells her she wants to think about it for a little while. Fiona confesses that she’s worked very hard to open Loana up, and work on issues of fear and intolerance, but now is exhausted with her. Since she’s been so very patient in episodes two through seven and hasn’t freaked out on her or insulted her at all. Maybe she needs to take a nap.
Eric says Fiona came outside very upset about Loana, and so he decided to leave a little present on her pillow, a flower and a note, and then runs off to hide and see if she guesses her secret admirer. Fiona enters her bedroom, sees the flower and wonders aloud who left it for her. She knows it’s for her because the note has a pentagram on it. No, Fiona! It’s The Star! Did Eric need to write little “To:” and “For:” tags on it? The fact that it’s on your pillow should be clue enough who the “To:” is!
Jamie helps Fiona set up for the ritual, and they gossip about who left her the note. Maybe it was the quarterback or that guy with the dreamy eyes in her math class. Jamie thinks it looks like Loana’s handwriting. Fiona puts it in the middle of her Witch’s Circle and gushes in confessional about how Loana had extended the hand of friendship of her own volition, and that it made her all warm inside. I don’t remember the punchline, but the joke is Fiona.
Jamie goes to find Loana to see if she’s going to come up to the ritual, and finds her in the yard in deep conversation with Art. He tells her not to let him keep her from anything, but Loana chooses poorly and decides to stay outside rather than attend, but thanks her for checking.
The others gather in Fiona’s room, and she is a bit disappointed that Loana isn’t coming, but says she guesses she’s there in spirit since she put the flower on her pillow. Eric gapes in disbelief that she didn’t remember their Star. It’s like dancing with someone else during your song! Fiona waves around her knife and conjures a circle to be a boundary between the realm of the everyday and the eternal planes and then brak brak braks about being gods and goddesses, with Eric the whole while looking like he just got dumped.