Eight little TOPs in over their heads Tim’s silence made the others fed Up. Bonnie stole immunity and the Alts said “No more Brent jumping on the bed.”
Seven little SOPs (or should I say Seven Average People, or SAPs) are left. How many more must die before I stop this moronic rhyme? (How’d you like that enjambment though – pretty good, huh?)
Welcome to Mad Mad House, the show that explores to what depths of depravity Ten Ordinary People will sink to when confined in the same living space as Five Freaks Of Nature. Now, I know what you’re saying: “How does that make this any different from any other reality TV show?” The answer’s pretty simple, actually. That 2 to 1 ratio of “normal” to “not normal” people? Way higher than average.
Everyone is shocked by Brent’s departure. Jamie says it was terribly hard because he’s a really, really good person (she obviously hasn’t watched enough reality TV if she doesn’t realize being a good person is the kiss of death on these shows). Loana laments the loss of “My Texas.” Yeehaw! I’d much rather see this Love Connection than Rawb and Ambuh. The one thing I’m sure of is that at the End of Days (or at least the End of Reality TV, may it never come) the child of the Virgin Loana will do battle with the Spawn of Rawb for our immortal souls. Or at least our remotes.
Bonnie begins to share the information she gleaned from the Alts’ deliberations. There comes a time in every culture when the old, perhaps sensing their own mortality, pass on their knowledge to the young. This is it. She says Art stuck up the most for Brent, but they eventually decided he was the one that showed the least exploring. I mean, there was that one time in college, but that’s just not enough for these people. She tells Loana that the Alts’ want her to be louder. Loana knows right away that came from Ta’Shia. “That b!tch can talk! More than Kelly or Nichole. Not as bad as Tim though. Even when he shuts up he won’t shut up.”
Bonnie tells Nichole she’s golden. She says there’s got to be something the Alts don’t like. Maybe her modesty. Bonnie says they think she’s a terrific, strong woman, and I wonder when Paula Abdul was invited to offer her thoughts in deliberation.
Eric is perturbed at the discussion of Nichole, because he sees her as his biggest competition.
The Alts enter the living room and pick new roommates. Fiona selects Eric, who says she’s a “Sexy Witch, yeah Baby!” Avocado chooses Noel, who looks not to care one way or the other. Art picks Jamie, who smiles broadly. Don selects Tim saying their going to have a “good ol’ time,” which between Don’s constant “embraces” of Brent with his necklaces, and Tim’s questionable sexuality (I mean, really, have you seen those outfits? Okay, you might say a gay guy should have better fashion sense, and I know you don’t want him batting for your team either, so I’m sorry) makes me think that Fiona and Eric may not be the only pair with sparks flying. Ta’Shia says Loana is ready, and grants her the privilege of being her roommate. That makes Nichole and Bonnie roommates in the dorm.
Nichole is worried about not being selected, and so begins Operation Blatant Suck Up To Fiona, in which she says she thinks she and her sister are witches and have magical powers. Fiona falls for it and says she thinks Nichole is GREAT! But they’ll have to talk about it later because she has to go settle Eric in <boomchickabowwow>
As they are lying in bed (yes, yes, they were separate beds), Eric and Fiona have a heart-to-heart.
Eric: You’re intimidating. Fiona: How so? Eric: You remind me of the babe. Fiona: What babe? Eric: The babe with the power. Fiona: What power? Eric: The power of voodoo. Fiona: No, that’s Ta’Shia. Eric: You…doh! Fiona: Honestly, Eric, you’ve been living with us for how long now? And you can’t remember that Ta’Shia is the Voodoo Priestess and I’m the witch? I’m starting to suspect you’ve just been looking at my boobs this whole time. Eric: Uhhh…I hate Nichole.
Thus, Eric oh so smoothly begins planting the seeds of doubt about Nichole’s worthiness to be in the house. He says she likes to brag, always has a story about everything, and won’t shut up. He’s trying to make it seem like she’s there for all the wrong reasons. Unlike himself. Fiona doesn’t know how to take this. She wonders if Nichole is just playing her, or if Eric is lying. Here’s a hint Fiona: yes.
The sun comes up and Noel’s pants go down. Really. Avocado and he get naked and run through the house waking everyone up for a nature walk. Thankfully not a naked nature walk. At least not yet. Eric says he didn’t appreciate being woken up at the asscrack of dawn by Noel and Avocado in the nude, but I think he should look on the bright side: at least Tim wasn’t Avocado’s roommate. Jamie gives Avocado’s naked rear a friendly pat when he wakes her up.
The SAPs pile into a couple caravans. Bonnie must have drawn the short straw, because she’s stuck with Tim and Nichole in one, while Avocado, Noel, Eric, Jamie and Loana ride in the other. Eric reveals that the four of them have an alliance and are starting Operation Let’s Get Nichole Off Now, with Jamie and Loana on Special Task Force Come Up With A More Creative Name For Operation Let’s Get Nichole Off Now. They begin with the “she doesn’t need the money” attack. Eric says the positives about Nichole are that she promised to lend him some money at 15% interest and that she knows a good BMW dealer.
Noel confesses Nichole definitely fits the stereotype of a rich girl from Malibu: fake, overly agreeable, banker boyfriend, and would name her kid Tanner.
Loana and Jamie begin talking about how Nichole is so fake and is just kissing up to the Alts. Avocado astutely realizes that they may think she’s the frontrunner and are trying to knock her down a peg.
They reach their destination and pile out of the caravans for Avocado’s ambiguous explanation that they are going to “find out what a naturist does” and that they are going to pick wild foods and must eat them. Just a brief aside here – You know who Tim looks like? Hoggle!
And off they go down the trail! Someone obviously forgot to give Hoggle his ritalin, because he’s picking up horse poop, trying (quite unsuccessfully) to climb rock faces, jumping off the trail all over the place, peeing in the bushes, dancing like a chicken, and otherwise acting like an idiot. I think Avocado should have slipped him one of those toxic herbs.
They come to a stream, and Avocado takes off his shirt and wades across. Jamie follows him, and Nichole takes off her shirt and follows suit, prompting Eric to ask if it is easier for her to jump without her shirt. Avocado then takes off all his clothes and dances in the stream. Nichole is about to do likewise (damn the girl will take off her clothes for nothing) when a park ranger comes upon the group and tells them they can’t do that. A chastised Avocado covers his nakedness with his shorts, and Eric offers him a fig leaf. A very small fig leaf.