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Mad Mad House - Episode 7 Summary

'As The Tables Turn' By Swami
Original Airdate: April 15, 2004

Last time on Mad Mad House…

• Don & his posse of low-rent vampires drained Noel.
• Don drank human blood
• Fiona got the giggles (but, ya know, respectfully)
• Everyone got nekked but the Goodie-Goodie
• The big Fake Elimination twist (yawn)

As the show begins our little band of five remaining misfits are laying around bitching and moaning. Noel says he doesn’t want his fake elimination ceremony to “make things all weird around here.” Hello? Look around you, Noel. This is the Mad Mad House. Wierd is normal here.

The Alts file in to raise the bar of stupidity even higher. Or is that lower? See if the Stupidity Bar is really low they can all trip over it. But if the Stupidity Bar is set high then they can whack their heads. I can’t decide which would be more fun to see. Prolly head-whacking.

Loana goes all self-righteous and tells the Alts she doesn’t trust them anymore. *sob* *sob* (As if she ever did!) Then while she has everyone’s attention she takes a careful little pre-meditated swipe at Nichole: “You’re buying Nichole and she’s gonna win” even though she’s just a big fat fake. Fiona points out that she, Fiona, is an all-knowing witch and nothing gets by her finely tuned observation skills. There is a short pause at this point to allow the home viewers time for derisive laughter.

Jamie gets all tearful, gobs of mascara streaming down her face (again) “It’s not fair! I didn’t know what to do! I wanted to put the necklace on myself. I felt blindsided!

“That was the whole point” you stupid bitch Nichole mutters to herself as she gets up and walks out. When conversation gets too stupid for even Miss Superficiality we are all in trouble.

Shopping Therapy

Okay—enough of that. Let’s jump to the next morning. Don wakes the guests up one-by-one and tells them to get ready for a shopping trip! The Vampire Challenge is coming up and he wants everyone to look really nice for it. So he is going to buy them all hot new clothes!

Miss Superficiality is all thrilled. “I love to shop!” she exclaims.

Eric narrates most of the shopping trip with Smurf Hair. That is—somehow he gets all his thick, curly hair to form a standing wave on top of his head, looking just like Papa Smurf. Everyone throws on clothes (even Avocado) and they all pile into 2 big black SUVs for the ride into town.

The first store they shop at is named “LUSH”. As they climb out of the SUVs we get to see what each idiot has chosen to wear for the family outing.

Jamie is wearing a boobs-on-view top, as she usually does, along with too much guaranteed-to-run Tammy Faye eye make-up. She is the only person I know whose eyes look smaller and more piggish after she has applied eye make-up!

Eric and Noel look totally non-descript. Eric wears his baseball cap backwards, with the plastic adjustment strap cutting into his forehead. Didn’t that look finally die in the early 90s? Or is it back again & no one told me? Whatever. He looks stupid.

Art is wearing what Art has worn every single freakin’ day, in every single freakin’ episode of this show, unless he is sunbathing naked. His black ‘Church of Steel’ tank top and a manly skirt. (I have no doubt that Primatives always go commando. Just sayin’)

Fiona is wearing a black Monica Lewinsky beret, with a handbag designed by Monica Lewinsky slung over one shoulder and a long skirt. Don is dishy in an Edwardian GQ Vampire suit. Avocado is wearing something too—I can’t remember what and there is no way in hell I am going to watch that tape again just so I can describe the clothes of a nudist. Forget it. Let us just say that on this shopping trip, the blind are leading the blind. Pity the poor shopkeepers!

Since he is most needy, Noel is their first make-over victim. For some reason they dress him in a pretty blue camisole (yes, a frilly girly camisole) and his own green plaid boxers.

“I feel like Pretty Woman,” Eric says as he walks out of the store onto the street in this ridiculous outfit. Then realizing the fashion faux-pas of his plaid boxers he stops in the middle of the sidewalk and drops trou. There are no matching bikini panties with this camisole. No sirree! There is just Noel, hangin’ free in the breeze. As they all laugh, Noel hikes his camisole waist high and runs around shrieking “find me a cab” or something—I couldn’t quite make it out. Perhaps he was re-enacting a scene from Pretty Woman, but I don’t remember Julia Roberts running around nekkie like that. Then again I only paid attention when Richard Gere was on screen.

Don speaks to the camera: "Noel is the one person who actually did have the nuts to do that. Heh-heh." From this, I surmise that Noel is well-endowed in a nutty way. Well--at least more so than Don...

Avocado grabs Noel and hustles him back into the store before the cops arrive. Inside ta’Shia helps him pick out an outfit that actually looks quite nice on him. Well-except for the fugly knit cap which is traditionally worn by people who want to be voted out first on Survivor.

Next they go into a store called ‘Lisa Angel’ where three—count ‘em—three clerks try to help Art. He is beyond help.

Nichole tries on several nice outfits. She will only try on stuff if the designer is from either L.A. or NYC. Malibu girls have standards ya know! While Nic is trying on a red tank with a short black skirt, the camera cuts away to fake witch Fiona who says “Nichole is not fake but she is very concerned with appearances and surface things, and that is not what we are looking for in the winner.”

Meanwhile, on-camera, a perfectly plucked and painted Fiona is shown roughly pushing Nichole away from the mirror so she can admire her own lovely outfit on the silver surfaced mirror. Pot/kettle/black, but as usual the irony totally escapes Fiona.

Jamie gets a black dress cleaved open all the way to her navel. The others are not shown shopping because—quite frankly—they’re the boring ones.

Commercial Break

It is time for Bob, he of the natural male enhancement brigade. Bob has such a happy, scary smile! And really really big, uhh—feet. I think if they remake Mad Mad House Bob should be one of the Alts. I’m not sure how the producers would handle his 4 hour erections in a tasteful way, but male enhancement seems to be an up-and-coming alternative life style and deserves to be explored by quality shows such as this one.

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