You know, I have watched a lot of 2 hour finales in my day. Most are overly padded Frankensteins of flashbacks and mind-numbing recraps. This was not one of those finales. This show rocked with fun & revelation right up until the very end. And yet? I’m going to try to be brief here, because—let’s face it—when a show is over, it’s over and we all move on to the next Big Thing.
As the show begins Jamie, Eric and Nichole, the three remaining players, congratulate each other on surviving another elimination round. Later Jamie and Eric agree that it would “totally rock” if they were the final two. It would appear the knives are still out for little Miss Malibu.
Meanwhile, the five Alts are gently feuding and annoyed at Fiona for not voting as she has led them to think she would. Don & Art are especially pissed.
And in a moment of wonderful irony, Eric laments his poor performance in challenges so far, and says that he has “saved his best for the last.” Remember that folks, until the last challenge! Soon we will see Eric’s “best”.
Road Trip! or Don Bowls ‘Em Over.
Now that all the truly unstable people have been voted off things are a little dull at the Mad Mad House. Time for another road trip! As usual the TOPs never know where they are going until they get there. The Alts always know because they have consulted their various oracles & crystal balls. Well, plus the producers tell them. Doh.
Nichole blabs enough for six 14 year old girls as they drive down the road. She just can’t shut up. Once they arrive, she and Jamie enter the bowling alley draped like starlets on Avocados two arms. Fiona is hanging on Eric arm like they are about to be presented at Royal Court. Art & Don just saunter in alone so the locals can take a good gander at their freakish glory. The bowling Normals are quite appropriately stunned.
They attempt to bowl. Attempt being the key word here. These folks suck at bowling. Don admits he has never been bowling (vampires having better things to do in the dark of night than try to knock down lifeless pins). He throws a gutter ball or two. Then a helpful Normal shows him how to hold the ball and stuff. Don realizes that bowling is “quite elementary—just like throwing a knife”! Thereafter Don bowls only strikes. He even finds blood-red bowling shoes to coordinate with his vampiric black duds.
Avocado buys Don a drink to celebrate his bowling prowess. It’s bottoms up and they head back to the MMH routine of challenges, screw-ups and petty misunderstandings.
Art’s Immunity Challenge
Art threatens the guests that for the next challenge they will all be hung from hooks.
Eric says Nichole is as fake as Jamie’s chest. This has nothing to do with anything that is happening, except that Eric never passes up a chance to denigrate Nichole. Or peek down Jamie’s shirt.
Jamie says something—I forget exactly what—about how scared she is of the pain, but how she just knows she has to do good in this last challenge or she is screwed. Jamie is getting way too much face-time here. Plus, she said three sentences that were actually grammatically correct—a new record for her! Oh crap. They’re trying to rehabilitate her. You know what that means—she must move ahead in the game!
Eric speaks again. “I am oh for 8 here. It’s do or die time for me”. I think, die Eric! Die!!!
Art takes them out into the yard where there are 3 large hooks hanging by chains from a bright blue scaffold-thing. On his command they are to step up onto the hooks with one foot and remain there by holding onto the chain for as long as they can. The winner gets immunity.
Jamie and Nichole both assume a Zen-like, eyes closed, I-will-endure stance as they gently sway in the breeze. Eric twists around like a three-year-old with A.D.D. and fire ants in his pants. Or maybe a little red worm on a fish hook. I start to hope that a Lawn Shark will rise from the grass and swallow him whole. No such luck. He fidgets. He squirms. He steps on his own toe. He wraps the chain around his body. He moans.
Since they are all having such fun, Art orders the other Alts to hang a big mother of a rock from each of their belts. This really pushes Eric into extreme contortions. He kicks off one shoe—or it just falls off, I’m not sure which. Finally he tries to reposition his hook foot and falls to the ground. He is so pissed. Beaten by girls again! This is like an elementary school déjà vu all over again moment for him. All the girls could beat him at any sport back in grade school. This is why he grew up to become a manly Sports Writer and ignore all women’s sports forever. To show them, ya know?
Then Art does this weird thing where he tells Eric that since he, Eric, is out—he can now hang his rock onto the back of whichever girl he wants. Eric of course yells ‘Nichole!’ before Art can even finish the sentence. So poor Nichole has to near the weight of 2 large rocks as she stands on the friggin’ hook.
No surprise, Nichole goes down first after hanging for an impressive one hour and thirty-five minutes. Jamie wins her first challenge! The Alts are so impressed. They say Jamie is “glowing” and “focused”. She did “the miracle” she needed to win their respect. Huh? This was no miracle. This was an Eric-facilitated coup.