Welcome to the final summary of Average Joe 2; the show that asks the question “How Will an Intelligent, Caring, and Expressive Average Guy From Boston Pick Up the Pieces of His Heart After It’s Crushed to Bits By a Superficial, Beauty Queen Wannabe With Stunning Beauty, Great Hair and a Truly Shocking Secret, But Little Else to Offer a Man of Substance and Character?”
Of course, that’s assuming that Brian is the one dumped instead if Gill*, and obviously I couldn’t know that at the beginning of the summary, since I haven’t seen the show yet, right? But it’s a good enough title for now. If by the end of the episode it turns out to be inappropriate, then I’ll change it later.
* I’m calling him Gill instead of Gil because, frankly, I just don’t like him
Tonight is the finale, so we are treated to the requisite recap of the previous eight episodes. Usually, I just fast forward through this part since I’ve seen the episodes or read Reality TV World episode summary, like last week’s summary by Howard Dean. But tonight as I fast forward through the highlights of previous weeks, I catch a few glimpses of some of the earlier departed Joes. Man, some of those guys were dorky! I imagine William Hung watching the show and feeling pretty good in comparison.
Now we’re back to live action, and…what’s this? Here’s Larissa, dressed in her best gown, standing on the red carpet with a private jet in the background and a limo pulling up. She’s making her choice already! Has NBC decided there’s no need for another full hour of this torture? Are they going to spend the remaining 52 minutes promoting Average Joe – Adam Returns instead? Sadly, no. We find out that this episode is being told in flashback form, where we’ll find out what happens on Larissa’s hometown dates with the two remaining guys.
Gill is first up, as Larissa visits his hometown of Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. They meet for a boat ride through the Everglades, then a romantic trip to one of his construction sites where he puts her to work “mudding”. They have to do the whole room before their date can continue. I guess he’s paid by the job, and won’t be able to afford dinner if they don’t finish. Gill tells Larissa about the importance of a good professional reputation in the construction industry, which is his way of telling her he’s not moving anywhere for some chick, especially if she is the chick. He acknowledges that a relationship between them would have to be a long-distance one. Hey, isn’t that why he broke it off with his last girlfriend? Things aren’t looking good for Gill and Larissa.
Next, they take a speedboat rids to the Viscaya Museum and Gardens where Larissa presents Gill with a St. Christopher medallion. He says he will remember her when he wears it, as in “this will be something nice to remember you by once I finally ditch your pathetic a**”. Larissa spends the rest of their time together trying to figure out where Gill’s head is at. Larissa - “What did you hope would happen out of all of this? Gill – “I want to be – of course – an actor.” Larissa – “What’s your biggest fear; what are you afraid of?” Gill – no answer. Larissa – “Is this real?” Gill – “As far as I’ve assessed, I think you’re a real person.” Larissa – “Actually, I’m a mechanical robot.” Note to Readers – Yes, Larissa actually said the above line; it wasn’t some lame attempt at satire on my part
The date with Gill is over, and I’ve got to say, it did NOT go well. Brian’s really going to have to screw things up for Gill to win the final trip with Larissa.
Brian’s turn now, and Larissa comes to Boston to see what Brian’s life is all about. Brian and Larissa take a boat ride on the Boston Harbor, and Brian has a surprise – two lobsters he’s trapped. Well, maybe the producers trapped them. Or bought them at the fresh seafood market. Brian names the lobsters Jim and Gill. He and Larissa agree to “throw them overboard, an act which gives Brian great joy. Brian points out that now they can get back to their workouts, and hopes there is protein powder at the bottom of the sea. On the boat, Brian tells Larissa he loves Boston, but could leave it for her if their relationship was to advance. Privately, Larissa is blown away that Brian would be willing to leave Boston “for the right reasons”. I notice, however, that while he personalized his willingness to leave for her, she keeps her comments about this admission completely impersonal. Brian, this is Bad Sign #1 for you.
Off to Boston’s most famous museum – the storied Fenway Park. As most of us viewers know by now, Larissa isn’t much of a sports enthusiast. But she knows that Fenway Park is a baseball stadium, and asks Brian who his all-time favorite player is. Brian – you have just been given a wonderful gift. A woman is encouraging you to talk to her about baseball history. Which player will he choose as his favorite? Teddy Ballgame? Carl Yastremski? Will he pick a non-Red Sox player like Babe Ruth? No, he tells us his all time favorite player is Tim Wakefield!!! I don’t even know where to begin with the jokes about this comment:
1) Tim Wakefield? Naturally! After all he is the 12th winningest pitcher in Red Sox history – tied with Tom Brewer, of course. 2) Tim Wakefield? Dude, she asked for your favorite player of all time, not your favorite right handed Floridian knuckleball pitcher! 3) C’mon Brian. You think you’re going to snag a bikini model Miss USA contestant by picking a non-Hall of Famer as your favorite baseball player? Crazy!
Oh well. The good thing is that, conveniently, Tim Wakefield is there to join them on their date! What are the odds of that? Brian, I’d head straight to Atlantic City. Put the table maximum on red 16! Or black 16. Whatever color 16 is, put as much money on it as they’ll allow. Or choose another number. The point is, what a coincidence!