on our first episode, Larissa, an “artist/model” came to Hawaii hoping to land a major TV contract so she won’t have to call herself an “artist/model” anymore, and also to hook up with some hunky guys. She will get that chance in a couple weeks, but first she has to endure the cruel producer twist of a bunch of guys living out their junior high school years over and over again. Larissa was even more shocked to discover that she was only allowed to cut four guys right off the bat and was going to have to interact with the rest of them on this episode, which yours truly gets to summarize.
We open with a beautiful view of the lush Hawaiian scenery, which is suddenly and rudely interrupted by several of the guys looking at a tacky red, white, and blue boxing ring. One man is so morbidly obese that when he punches the punching bag set up next to the ring his fat rolls move more than the bag does. Another man is putting suntan lotion on another’s pasty white back. What is this, Average Boy Meets Average Boy? Suddenly, a former heavyweight boxing champion (Roy Jones, Jr. for anybody who actually likes both reality TV and boxing) walks through the door and the men fawn over him just like they did Larissa. Kind of makes you wonder.
The boxer then spends a few minutes trying to teach the men how to box, but I think most of the lesson was actually spent teaching them how to not hurt themselves while standing still, which will probably come in more handy for them anyway. Finally, Larissa shows up in a sexy little boxing number and serves as the ring girl, which is fitting because that’s probably one of the few jobs she’ll be qualified for after this show.
The first match was between Sean and Phuc (like Lisapooh, I’m hoping Phuc stays around awhile because there are so many possibilities). Sean goes down hard and fast. Next come David and Donato. Considering that Donato weighs about 4 times as much as David, who seems to be running in circles around the ring, I’m beating Vegas isn’t even putting odds on this one.
Fredo and Sam go in the ring next. Fredo, the tattooed ponytail guy, just goes ballistic pummeling the poor schlub. Scary really. Fourth, are Tony, the sensitive artist, and Tim, the marine. Again no question as to who was going to win, but Larissa was kind of upset at how aggressive Tim was. That’s all we get to see of boxing, so apparently either the other matchups were so boring that the cameramen fell asleep or the other Joes passed out before they even made it into the ring.
Anyway, Larissa explains before the commercial break that it is time for 3 sets of group dates and she will do a private date with her favorite from the group dates each night.
Date #1 takes place on a helicopter. Four of the Joes and Larissa fly out to see a volcano. David talks nonstop the whole time. When they arrive, Larissa pulls each of them aside for a brief talk. After their talk, Tim is worried that Larissa thinks of him as a total brute. Mike takes his opportunity to tell Larissa that he loves Jesus more than anybody and she needs to put Jesus first if she wants to be with him. Larissa doesn’t say much, but I think by her reaction she’s not a believer. Thomas, the nerdy one, fawns all over her and tells her he used to be a breakdancer. Larissa looks almost as scared of the Breakdancer as she was of the apostle. David is up next and continues to act like a Spaz. Once she finally gets him to sit in one space for more than 5 seconds he starts acting slightly more normal and tells her he really appreciates the opportunity to get to know her.
So after enduring a whole day with Brute, Apostle, Breakdancer, and Spaz, she chooses Spaz, who runs up to her, kneels down, and kisses her hand. Brute feels pretty rejected since he thought he was the best catch. Neither of the others seem to have much of a reaction. Larissa said she picked Spaz because she thought he would be the most fun. The two of them sit on the beach by the lava and drink a bottle of wine.
Back at the house, Tim is sitting around whining that he should have been picked and talking about what a Phuc David is. Larissa and David’s date is somewhat romantic. They both talk about looking for the “one” true love. David then does a bad American Idol audition (which he calls his “secret weapon”) trying to woo Larissa. She finally agrees to give him a kiss, just so he’ll shut up. Larissa admits she wasn’t really into the kiss but says it wasn’t “terrible” either. Not quite a ringing endorsement, but he’s probably safe from the ax tonight.