No one knows more about dating dufuses than I do. Iím not proud of it, but there is a long line of nerds in my romantic history. You know what? Some nerds are sexy. They are super-intense and usually quite devoted. (To both their girlfriends and the works of C.S. Lewis).
But this is no average gathering of the math club weíre dealing with here. This is a neverending parade of freaks, geeks and pimply ass cheeks. It may be called Average Joe 2 Hawaii, but ainít nobody getting leid.
The show starts with a barrage of shots of a bikini-clad Larissa Meeks, the latest victim. Larissa is way hot. Of course this means I hate her. We learn that Larissa thinks love at first sight is possible. The caveat being that love at first sight is possible if you are looking at Andrew Dan-Jumbo. What Larissa doesnít know yet is that there will be no Andrew Dan-Jumbo on this show. Plain old jumbos, however, will be readily available.
The opening montage shows scenes from the upcoming episodes. We see Larissa making out with hot guys and wearing an enormous amount of makeup. We also learn a little bit about her. Sheís a 24-year-old artist from St. Louis and the 4th runner up for the 2001 Miss USA pageant.
Larissaís downfall in the pageant was the interview competition. So, do you think expecting her to carry her own show where presumably she will have to talk is a good idea? Of course it is Ė because she won the swimsuit competition. Like anyone cares about her personality.
The scenery is really beautiful too. The big island of Hawaii is breathtaking. Larissa looks right at home there. The producers should have picked an island setting for Melanaís show too. Three Mile Island would have been perfect for her!
Now itís time to meet some of the Average Joes. Iím all atwitter with excitement!
First up is David, 24. David can best be described as a motorized hairball on a stick. He confides that he used to be a nerd and that people have called him poop head before. Weíve since learned that David is also an actor. His credited roles include Geek, Sandwich Geek, Geek on Scooter and Background Geek. Gosh, I hope this show doesnít typecast him.
Next we meet Fredo, a 31-year-old cement contractor from Cleveland. Iím torn here. Part of me wants to remind all of you what happened to the middle Corleone brother at the end of Godfather Part II. And part of me wants to make some reference to Frodo the hobbit. But both parts of me are a little afraid that dissing Fredo might mean sleeping with the fishes. So, letís stay positive and say that despite the gold chain, íroid rage, receding hairline, wrestlerís ponytail and expansive body hair, Fredo seems like quite the catch.
Hereís comes 29-year old Tim from Arkansas. Iíd tell you what impression he made on me, but he didnít actually make one. Seems quiet, has very pretty eyes and may turn out to be Richie Cunninghamís long-lost brother from Happy Days. Heís cute. Relatively speaking of course.
Boston Brian manages to hide the accent for a little while. He canít, however, hide the fact that he was dropped at birth.
Bill is a pleasingly plump account from New Jersey who doesnít appear to have a personality.
Sean is a chef and explains that heís put on some weight recently, so he doesnít feel real comfortable in his skin. Sean seems like a nice, normal guy. But Sean needs to stop trying to grow that scraggly goatee. Itís not hiding the double chin, hon. We can still see it, so do us all a favor and shave off the Chia beard.
Donato has a very sweet smile and a great sense of humor. I know this because Donato said two of the lines I had planned for the summary. Iíd be mad at him for beating me to the punchline on the Ritalin thing, but he just seems too good-natured. Domo Origato Mr. Donato. Yeah, I donít know what it means either, but that freaking song is stuck in my head now anyway.
Thomas is 5í4Ē and overcompensating.
Matt Botti. Bless his heart. I love him. Heís got a speech impediment, and his braces make him drool, but heís so optimistic that I just want to hug his neck. Botti feels he has conquered his nerdiness. You go Nerd Boy! You! Go!
I canít decide whether Chris is trying to emulate Elvis, Buddy Holly or my hairy Uncle Moe. This is what Luke Perry would have looked like on 90210 if there werenít stylists around to contain the sideburns and pompadour. Guys, if your hair is receding, donít try to make up for that in height, ok? The ozone layer is fragile and Aqua Net is so not eco-friendly.
We are given a brief reprieve from the parade of geeks to see Larissa checking out her bachelorette pad. The producers have provided her with canvases and paint so she can work (which will be good since the dates arenít going to be very exciting). Theyíve also framed some of her paintings. My notes also indicate that Larissa made a -quote Ė obvious and lame analogy Ė end quote during this segment. I just neglected to write down what it was. And it really irks me that her earrings match her bikini Ė that is taking perfection just too damn far. In case anyone was wondering, Iím being so hard on Larissa because Iím bitter, resentful and jealous.