The tribes proved that even if you can’t do it, Home Depot can help you make it a really big pile of crap. Exhibit A: Rupert’s Family Sized Bidet.
Shleppera questioned ToiletRob’s work ethics. In his search for plausible reasons to get out of camp work, he connected with his inner-Debb Eaton and went in search of rocks, leaving the Schlepps in peace to construct an award-winning shelter. The Schlepps received, as Jif put it, a “bounty of comfort.” A quicker picker-upper indeed: under the warmth of Reward blankets and tarp, Rob & Amber batted their eyelashes at each other and curled up close.
At the Fake IC, the Mug o’ Mugs lost their first member because Jenna caught a “vibe.” She did look ill, right up until the moment Jif summoned a water taxi and off she sped, happily bowing out of the game. Anyone who doesn’t know the outcome should read last week’s recaps. The game goes on, one less Mugging at the camera. 15 await their fate. To whom will Karma pay a visit, tonight?
Eww. In the credits? Cesterweenie (tm Oscirus) looks a little like Tom Cruise. I don’t know for whom I feel sorrier.
Rainstorm. Schleppera. Night 9.
It’s a floodin’. BigTom steps up, opens his mouth and grunts. The sounds are just barely recognizable as human. 17 rewinds later, I make out somethin’ ‘bout kneein’ a goat to bit ‘roun’ th’ shelty. Alicia dubs their situation “Rio Pequeno.” Small River. Okay, who peed? This isn’t Coney Island, ya know. But why are these people shocked, shocked, that the rainy season means torrential downpours? How do they manage to miss every tropical hurricane news report that the rest of us hear about?
Amber points out the best features of the shelter. Thanks, Reward Parachute and Tarp. Rawb says he slept thru the night, mostly, despite the water that came up thru the floor. Thanks, Reward Blankets and Flirtation Device. Although, mind you, Amber is such a stick you wouldn’t think she’d keep a baby bird warm, much less a big guy like Rawb. How is that men can sleep thru just about anything? Three alarm clocks going off at 10-minute intervals, phone ringing, TV blaring. But the sound of a woman removing her underpants? Wakes ‘em up every time.
BigTom adores young love, and with a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step, informs us of the romantic mood at camp while we watch the snuggling evidence. I think Big Tom is getting more out of it than anyone, if you know what I mean. Cesterweenie, on the other hand, is rigid with jealousy. He camera-talks (or “DRs” as in ‘talks in the diary room’) in a clipped voice that Rawb & Amber “are gonna do it. I wish them the best of luck.” Luck? What do they need luck from him for? He can’t even just relax and enjoy it like BigTom, so upset is he that yet again, someone else is “getting the girl.”
Weenie has nothing – no new game plan (cuz the old one won’t work a second time), no friends, no allies, no hope.
Speaking of no-hopers, let’s motor over to SoBoggy and see how they fared in the Night of A Billion Raindrops. SoBoggy spent possibly the most miserable night ever experienced by any set of survivors in any season, including I’m A Celebrity Get Me Outta Here. No fire, no shelter worthy of the name, no food. Rupert concedes that digging in the sand is the stupidest idea he’s ever had in his life. And you know it took something extra-stupid to top his list of dubious achievements.
An exhausted Jerri isn’t ready for her close-up but a Playboy spread is probably not uppermost in her mind at the moment. Sticking a shiv into Rupert holds that unenviable position. She’s on the edge of the abyss: she’s about to crash head-first into the end of her 15 minutes and there isn’t a damn thing she can do about it. The Bachelorette is the only show that might still be an option for her, except I think she’s afraid to go for it because she already knows the answer to “Colby, will you accept this rose?”
Exposition from Jerri is painful to watch. “Everyone is miserable. Shivering. It’s a Disaster. The hole that Rupert thought was so brilliant to dig filled up with water. Never would have happened if Rupert wasn't so Stupid. It’s not worth it.” I think she means this ill-advised attempt to prolong her “career” isn't worth it. She's obviously going out of her mind.
Death knell drums play as morning finally drags itself in by its white wrinkled fingers. Ethan DRs that it was the worst morning, except when his father died. As fad, revealing which close relative died or is near death is wearing thin.
JennaL is allowed onscreen to be kind to Jerri, speaking gently as one does to the old, infirm or insane. “Come out of the cave, dear, and take that hat out of your ass. Can you walk? Try and warm up.”
Jerri’s descent into madness is deemed excellent footage and so we are force-fed some more of it. She DRs she doesn’t have a clue what’s going on at camp and couldn’t give a rat’s ass what their plans are for the shelter. Well that’s Sue off the hook, at least. Jerri refuses whatever is in Rupert’s outstretched paw. “I’m not eating anything you’ve touched” is clearly running through her nearly brain-dead skull.
Rupert figures all Jerri needs is sunshine. He is ready to make fire, rebuild the shelter, and get food! And I think he’s willing to do it all by himself, to make up for being such a jackass. Jerri should be working out how much longer she can run the guilt trip on him. I wonder if they still have the Home Depot tools and whether it would be better if they didn't.
Mug o Mugs Tribe
At Mug o Mugs ShiiAnn gets her moment of the episode, “Last night was one of those nights you realize Mother Nature can be a forceful b!tch.” That’s hardly character development. Doesn't Shii Ann think everyone is a b!tch? Kathy says they should never take for granted having knowledge of how this game works but of course she isn’t really talking about herself. Oh, look! Lex has been practicing! He gets the fire going in seconds, using the Home Depot shredded twine. Hmm, you can do it, they can help. Go Survivors! Rich goes shopping and brings back 3 chunky meaty moray eels along with his Blurry Circle. Is it me or is that Circle growing?
Happy music plays while they chow down. Lex reckons there were 5-6 lbs of meat on the eels. Rich oozes pomposity, marveling about how blown away his tribemates are when he comes back with food. He can do absolutely nothing else as long as he gets food. It’s good that he’s finally doing something around camp, but I think his days are numbered anyway. Just to put the Dicque down and drive the point home, Lex speaks of the phenomenal job Rich does in supplying food, but adds: “That said, I’m really looking forward to getting the third key and having the rice, so we won’t have to rely so heavily on Rich for food.” Lex has clearly had his fill of thanking Dicque for his daily squat.
After ads, birds fly us back to happy Mugs. They are happy because they are on camera. They go for treemail. So does everyone else, apparently. The editors’ challenge is to splice together three different people reading out the lame poem, which is worse than one person doing it, and no I am NOT going to expend effort to pause, type, play, pause, type, play when everyone hates the damn things anyway. And then we see the clue read out two more times by just one person, so that was a big waste of time.
Only one line stands out - something about being clean from head to toe. Oh and it sounds like a puzzle. Not that math puzzle they had in Thailand? No way could All Stupid Survivors handle that one.
If you think MB’s doggerel composers are bad, Cesterweenie is worse. MB’s people would never make up a poem in which “kisses and hugs” is rhymed with “you can eat bugs.” MB may have had such a challenge but he wouldn’t let them be so literal in describing it.