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Survivor: All Stars - Episode 5 Summary

'The Passion of the King' By TeamJoisey
Original Airdate: February 26, 2004

The Passion of the King

... A gruesome and violent epic in which a once-revered icon is betrayed, stripped naked and scourged by his own disciples, who soon deny their master and scream for his quick execution at the hands of the local ruling authority, Pontius Probst.

Tonight’s summary contains material that may be inappropriate for intelligent viewers. Parental discretion is advised.

Previously on Survivor...
A storm destroyed So Bozo’s underground lair. Jenna and Jerri now have a Cabana Boy and a Pool Boy, but are still miserable biotches. Rupert admits that living in a hole below the water table is the stupidiest idea he’s ever had (but then no one has asked him to build a raft).

Over at the Shiteera camp, foreplay is in full bloom. At the reward challenge the Shiteeras won a key and soap, and traded their lice for rice. At the clusterstumble that passed for an immunity challenge, the Buffoon Tribe failed to pass a kindergarten block test. This happened despite repeated contusions to Big Tom’s skull, which made him suspiciously more coherent. As a remedy to their mental deficiency, the Shiteeras vote out the only player with a brain. Eight-ball Rob Cesternino is now the best player to finish 16th, an honor he shares with Debb Eaton.

When this episode begins, Shiteera is strolling down the beach singing show tunes. If that Ramba sex thing piqued your interest last week, you’ll feel the free love as the Robfadda holds hands with Amber... and Sue. And this is just the start of Sue’s Sexy Day.

At the tree mail box Shiteera finds a big pile of bamboo. They begin shouting “We gotta build a boat.” They know this because the Robfadda had the same challenge in Marquesas, and that disaster is burned in his memory.

Here’s a surprise: Amber not only speaks in this episode, she reads the tree mail. Quite possibly she is the only Shiteera who can read:

Take this pile of sticks. Build a raft.
Rupert, you suck.

Sue astutely points out that Big Tom is in fact, Big, and should avoid any challenge that avoids floating, passing a field sobriety test or speaking English.

Amber poses for the camera, and actually speaks without a script: “We got a note telling us the challenge is to build a raft. I think the hardest part of the challenge might be building the raft.”

Really. I thought the hardest part was reading the note.

Over at So Bozo, Rupert grabs a shovel and begins digging a raft, strategizing with Ethan over a catamaran with outriggers... a mizzenmast... and a jib... and scuppers... and cabin boys and ... HEY! Pirate boy! Look around. This is not Drake. You are in the worst strategic position in the worst tribe ever. The only way you’ll survive the week is through some unpredictable twist that might merge you into a tribe of complete idiots! Like that could happen.

So while Rupert and Ethan are measuring their logs, Jerri shakes her head in disdain. Apparently, some of these folks watched the lopsided editing in Survivor 7 and thought Rupert could actually play this game. Now his So Bozo teammates know better.

The Mucho-Loco tribe has a much more intricate boat plan. Throw sticks into a pile, tie em together, and sit on it. Minimal work, maximum time to spend sharpening the axes for each other. They drag the “S.S. Stack O’ Sticks” into the water, and even a 260-pound Dicque can’t sink it. It floats, but it probably wont be fast. We are grateful that Hatch manages to keep his own twig from appearing in this challenge.

Shiteera’s raft is two bundles of sticks, with a couple of cross bars. Speaking of bars, Tom is is usual classy self, drinking moonshine and making crude comments about Alicia’s breasts, which could probably pummel him to death. Sue says she’d vote out Tom right now “He’s a stupid drunk. A stupid clutzy drunk.” Sue doesn’t think his sexual innuendos are funny. But for Sue, the real sexual in-you-end--oh awaits.

While Tom wants to christen Shiteera’s raft with whisky, Sue christens it with urine. And really, this isn’t All-Star Survivor until someone pees on camera.

Tom’s so unhappy he drinks so more. It’s been suggested by spoilers that Tom looks really bad when he gets home. Methinks it is the “hayngover fum hayyll.”

Finally, we cut to Challenge Beach, and each tribe carries in their colors. Through the miracle of televison, all three rafts are sitting there on the sand. Jeff explains that the challenge requires two players to row out and rescue stranded tribemates. And no, they can’t leave the biotchs out there to die.

Part of the reward is fish hooks, and a spear. Rupie gets all excited at the sight of his preeeciousss spear, for with the spear he has absolute power.

Now Jeff drops the bomb. The losing tribe will be dissolved.
Finally, a twist involving a large tank of hydrochloric acid!
(Damn, there’s no big acid tank on the beach, but that’s the way we do it in Noo Joisey.)

Instead they will let the two winning teams alternately pick new members from the losing tribe. And as penalty, the losing tribe will not return to the old camp. For the So Bozos, this can only be a plus.

Mucho-Loco’s raft looks bad, but is actually faster. So Bozo’s raft might move faster if Rupert was’t trying to dig a tunnel in the ocean. Yes, Rupert really is The Mole.

Mucho-Loco wins easily, and Shiteera coasts to second place. The only remarkable moment was when Jerri attempted to get onto the raft and displayed her extensive preshow bikini waxxing, which was certainly worth the money. That was more than we saw in Playboy.

Weeks later, when So Bozo finishes, Jeff hands out the First prizes, Consolation prizes, and the lovely parting gifts. So Bozo lines up for the big gym class pick em. A-Rod is not available at this time.

Mucho-Loco chooses Ethan because they need a victim, and they want him out of the game quickly. Shiteera chooses Rupert because they saw the way he was edited in in S7 and think he might be valuable. (Joke’s on you again, buffoons!) The Mucho-Locos choose Jerri because Jenna Morasca is gone and Shii-Ann just hasn’t been bitchy enough.

Actually they pick Jerri because they know everyone hates her, and she’s the secondary target. This is important strategy from the Mucho-Locos. Choose two immediate targets. Pay attention and learn.

Jenna ends up a Shiteera by being the Survivor nobody wanted. Kinda like how she got on the show when 197 other people said no.

All the So Bozos are thrilled with their new living arrangements, primarily because they are above sea level. Ethan feels like he’s staritng all over, and Jerri confesses she doesn’t miss So Bozo at all. Rupert describes his old camp as “hobo junction,” which I don’t doubt he’s seen, and calls Shiteera’s camp the Taj Mahal, which he will never see.

The next morning, Jerri finds the Mucho-Loco’s last key, but the rice is ruined because someone left the case out in the rain. (I... don’t think that I can take it...) Rich and Ethan do the Master Fisherman Challenge Dance, and once again, Ethan loses. EZ comes back with one sandwich-size fish. Richard leaps up, runs into the surf, and wrestles two 2 50-pound tuna onto the beach in seconds. Ethan grimaces.

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