Previously on Survivor: • Alicia got her ass kicked and then kicked out. • Shii Ann needed a shave. • Jiffy got wet. • That’s pretty much it.
Well, folks, I'm back with the dubious honor of recapping the scintillating Episode 13 of Survivor A.S.S. As you know, the mods decided to pick the "Star" summary writers to cover this season and somehow, like Amber, I was picked. Mostly because of my finale epic which ended up in two parts because I am entirely too long winded for my own good. I've also written a couple of summaries in seasons past, so if you're bored you can read them here or here. I'd actually recommend that you read Pooh's summaries because, quite frankly, they're better than any of mine. She is, after all, the People's Princess.
Anyhoo, for those of you who are uninitiated to me, I have actually met Mark Burnett in person and actually talked to him. This gives me unfettered access to his brain and, as luck would have it, his editing notes. That makes it easier to convey to you, dear readers, what the hell he was thinking when he put this dreck together.
MB's notebook:God, is this season over yet? Who the hell had the bright idea for this All-Stars B.S? How can something that looks so good on paper go so horribly wrong? Hmmmm. Could be because we picked people who could barely find their asses with both hands in the originals as "All-Stars". Who cut Skupin from the list?
It's a beautful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neigh....oh, never mind. It's sunny in Panama. This alone is cause for a hallelujah chorus and a rousing hip hip hooray from the Survivors (I believe that is merely a courtesy title), but since they have the energy of a colony of slugs, they just sit there and talk about the weather and how much they hate each other.
Shii Ann: Nobody like me, everybody hates, goin’ out to the garden to eat worms.... mmmmmmmmmmmWORMS!!! Wow, it’s sure sunny in the garden today.
MB’s Notebook: Note to staff–give Shii Ann some sort of monetary reward for single-handedly making last week worth staying awake for. Let’s see if we can tailor any more challenges for her this week....where’d we put those cylinders full of ping pong balls from Amazon?
It turns out that Jenna and Shii Ann don’t get along. Who wouda thunk it? Color me surprised (you know, if this was an Apprentice summary, I am sure that I would be accused of racial stereotyping.). One of my personal favorite moments of the entire show...hell, the entire season, was Jenna’s confessional where she is ranting about Shii Ann.
Jenna: She opens her mouth and it makes me want to put a gun in mine.
It’s my favorite moment because it made me laugh out loud. Shii Ann actually has that same effect on me, but instead of a gun, I just use Little Debbies*. They dull the pain and the chocolate gives you some kind of endorphines.
You could hear the collective whoosh of people across North America jumping off their couches and leaping from recliners as they raced to their gun cabinets to get a gun to mail to Jenna. Blessherheart. She’s just as obnoxious as humanly possible. Someone around here commented that when Rupert thinks you’re annoying, then you must be annoying. I’ll second that, although I have to say, if I was going to give someone a Great Judge of Personality and Character Award, it wouldn’t be going to Rupert.
In typical Survivor fashion and thus, of no surprise to anyone, Shii Ann hates Jenna, too:
Shii Ann: Jenna is a bossy bitch. Blah, blah, blah.
MB’s Notebook: Consider a “talk each other to death” challenge if by some whim, Shii Ann and Jenna make it to the final three.
Jenna continues to stir up trouble by inciting Rupert to riot against the other Survivors (it’s hard to say that with a straight face).He catches all the fish and the others just sit around and watch him! Oh, the horror!!! Rupert seems to have forgotten that he was the one who wanted to be The Provider and this is what has kept him around so long. He proceeds to go clean a fish and, gasp, cook it!!! Oh, the drama! It’s as if he is amazed that no one calls for him to be immediately thrown off the island, despite what Jenna is yammering in his ear. The others? They don’t really care.
MB’s notebook: Remind Jiffy to ask about the Fish Incident. Let’s make it look like the rest of them actually gave a rat’s ass and let Jenna rant on about how lazy the rest of them are at TC.
It’s still sunny when they go check out the tree mail and head to the reward challenge. Panamanian weather records are falling faster than Lil’s ass or Heidi’s clothes. A whole DAY of sun? Unbelievable.
The reward challenge is, like the rest of the show, recycled. Clever, eh?
MB’s notebook: Note to staff–please review the following list of items and figure out a way that we can use them in the remaining episodes: Greg‘s phone, Kel’s jerky, Frank’s antlers, Sarah’s boobs, Granny Jan’s dead bat, Jenna’s Zeta crown, Lil’s pants. I do not want to see ANY more original thoughts on this episode. We’ve already used up our quota with the three tribe idea. Any more NEW ideas will NOT be tolerated because they cost money. Also, someone go check our supply of cheesy Tiki bars/cafes/restaurants, splintery wooden bleachers and purple rocks and get back to me. We’re in the homestretch now.
Reward Challenge is gross food eating contest. We, as the wise and informed audience, know that there is no.freaking.way that MB will pass up on the opportunity to cause the loved one as much pain and humiliation as possible, so naturally the family members are the ones who have to eat the bugs, fish and varmints, and the Survivors (and I use that term loosely), have to sit and watch.
Now MB and Jiffy (damn, he’s hot) and not stupid. They give those Survivors (again, loosely) a little taste of what’s to come by letting them have a quick moment with their “loved one”. The “loved ones” are brought in one at a time to a swell of music and the thunderous applause of the peanut gallery.
Amber–her mom, Cheryl, comes bouncing in. There is no way that Amber will win this challenge. No.way.on.Earth.
Rob–his younger and dumber brother, Mike comes galloping in. He’s not too hard on the eyes as family members go, but he just seems to be a living picture of “big galloot”. Rob has a chance. You just know this guy has grabbed other people’s left-for-empty-beer cans and swilled the remains more than once.
Shii Ann–her mom, Lilly. Now one has to give Shii Ann pretty good odds on this one because she will eat anything as we all witnessed (well, those that hadn’t given up on the show) in Marquesas. You have to think that she got that ability from somewhere.
Tom–his son, Bucky Bo. Yes, you read that correctly, Bucky Bo. Tom has once again set back Southern progress against stereotypes another 20 years. Thanks, Tom. Bucky Bo? He don’t look all that bright and I just bet he’s eaten his fair share of the ol’ tequila worm in the day.
Jenna–her brother is her loved one. He so simperingly annoying that I miss his name. I'm fairly sure it started with J (how cutesy). I cannot imagine why anyone in his right mind would want to win and spend time with Jenna, so I am positive that he will never, ever win.
Rupert–Laura, his wife. They have sex on the ground right in front of the others. You know she’s gonna be hungry after all that action, so she’s got good odds.
MB’s notebook: WTF? The first sex on the show is going to involve RUPERT? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
The rules: 1. You have to eat everything on the plate, even if it crawls away. 2. You cannot drink any water even if the production team leaves it right in front of you and your sister screeches like a banshee about it not being fair despite the fact that the rules have been clearly stated. 3. You must stick out your tongue and make a really, really ugly face. 4. Please vomit in the bushes, not in view of the camera. Please. 5. Last one to finish is spared a really lame “reward”.
The menu: 1. Fish heads from Thailand. Cheryl isn’t even close....are we surprised? No. 2. Flying cockroaches from Panama. This time Lilly can’t do it and she’s out. Shii Ann keeps calling out, "Mommy, mommy!" Okay, Shii Ann, we saw your softer side. Move on now. 3. Fafaru (aka nasty, disgusting rotten fish aka Rob’s Seefood) Laura can’t stomach it (despite the fact that she just sucked down Rupert's tongue moments ago) and she’s a goner. 4. Tarantulas, from Thailand. Jenna’s brother pretends he didn’t read Rule #2, so he’s gone, despite Jenna’s screeching. He could have at least TRIED not to be so obvious in his loss. 5. Lives grubs from Australia. Uh....Bo swallows. I’m sure Tom is proud. He wins.
MB’s notebook: I’m sure there is some segment of the state of Virginia that we haven’t offended or embarrassed with Tom’s antics.....be sure to show his ridiculous jig that he does with Bucky Bo so that people the world over will think that Virginians have absolutely no rhythm.
I don't know what you call the dance that Tom and Bucky Bo did after the victory. There are really no other words other than horribly, horribly wrong.
The reward is a real doozy! The winner gets to take his/her loved one off to the old Chapera (see the memo about recycling above) and spend the night! Now, let’s look at the list of “loved ones”. Do you see a pattern there? Think about it. What’s THE most famous reward/family visit moment in the history of Survivor? Come on.....you know. (Hint–Colby loves him some Mama). See, MB ain’t nobody’s dummy. If Rupert wins, MB gets porn. If anyone else wins, he gets....well, you all saw Australia. It’s not pretty, but here I am talking about it 8 seasons later.
In a “twist”, Tom gets to pick someone to go along with Bucky Bo and him on their tryst, so he screws up his face and tries to think. Jenna, because she is incapable of A.) Shutting up and B.)letting anyone think on his own, bellows out: TAKE RUPERT!, thus ensuring that Rupert ain’t gettin’ none tonight. Tom picks...........suspense............bated breath..............ROB! Wow! Who saw that coming? Tom is doint is best to imitate ol' Mama Kim's thong and get as far up Rob's ass as humanly possible (my user name has nothing to do with Mama Kim OR Africa, ftr).
Tom: Uh, well, uh, I din reeelly have uh choice cuz ol’ Rob there, he’s bin tellin’ me whut to do all alawng and, well, I had to pick him or he’d get mad and I’m too durn stoopid to vote him awf and stop a worrin’ about tha-ut.**
The reward is basically drinking beer, getting drunk, eating pizza and family members trying to offer up strategy help. It could only be more boring if they brought in some paint and watched it dry. The only revelation is that Tom is actually dumber than a rock. He confides to Bucky Bo that he thinks Rob will take him to the final two. Yeah, sure, as soon as you morph into Amber, you nitwit.