Survivor: All Stars - Episode 1 Summary

'The Return of the Kings and the Queens... and some female players too' By Swami

Okay—they are playing Survivor music, but for some reason the opening footage is an old film of Ronald Reagan’s invasion liberation of Granada. Wasn’t that back in the 80s? I see radar & gunboats with mounted machine guns. Here come the helicopters. It’s war! No. Wait!—it’s Jeff!

Oh My Heck, the A.S.S.es are being escorted to their camps like a bunch of third world drug lords. Look at them—all clean and smug and confident, sitting in the open bows of three fancy power boats, one for each tribe. Each boat is escorted by a lead gunboat and flanked by power boats full of armed, Panamanian soldiers. It looks like EPMB had more trouble signing up A.S.S.es than we thought! They have to be brought to camp at gunpoint. Let’s listen while Jeff ‘splains the rules of All Star Survivor.

“Each Survivor has been given one canteen and very little information. They don’t know who else is playing (except for their own tribe)—they don’t even know there are three tribes.

“Each tribe gets one machete to share amongst themselves, no food, no water, and no help. That’s the least amount of supplies ever given to a group of Survivors. They say they’re the Best of the Best—it’s time to prove it!”

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Then Jeffie proves he is the Best of the Best by standing on one foot outside of the flying helicopter, bracing on one of the supports while he delivers Survivor’s trademarked challenge: “Thirty-nine days. Eighteen All Stars. One Survivor” I might have bought how fearless he was and all, except for his white-knuckled death grip on the helicopter door.

Then he introduces the 6 members of each Tribe as the camera pans over the happy-campers boating below.

Mogo Mogo (green buffs): Colby S2—Outback, Jenna M. winner S6—Amazon, Kathy S4 Marquesas, Lex S3—Africa, Richard winner S1 Palau Tiga and Shii Ann S5 Thailand.

Saboga (yellow buffs): Alicia S2 Outback, Amber S2 Outback, Rob C. S6 Amazon, Rob M. (the Godfather) S4 Marquesas, Sue S1 Palau Tiga, Tom S3 Africa.

Chapera (red buffs): Ethan winner S3 Africa, Jenna L. S1 Palau tiga, Jerri S2 Outback, Rudy S1 Palau Tiga, Rupert S7 Pearl Islands, and Tina winner S2 Outback.

The Drug Lord boats stop just short of shore and make the castaways jump into the water. They are forced to swim at least five yards before they reach their beaches. How easy is that? The A.S.S.es must be thinking, ‘Well—this is a cakewalk so far.’

Chapera are shown arriving first, and Rob C. of the Amazon gets the first confessional. Rob, as you know, is the smartest person ever to lose to two complete morons. He can’t wait to start “wheeling and dealing and voting people out.”

Goat-herder Tom announces that he is 48 years old and surrounded “by young ‘uns.” “This ain’t a little boys game,” he continues, “it’s fer the big boys.” As you may remember Tom is big in all ways except the brains dept. He represents illiterate, redneck, rural folks—a very important demographic at CBS. He appears to have taken elocution lessons or something since Africa, because I can almost understand him this time around!

When Rob M., Boston Rob, The Godfadder himself, speaks I flash back to the Marquesas. It’s kind of confusing having people from different shows all grouped together like this. Anyway, Boston Rob thinks everything is “so cut-throat around here.” “Nobody trusts anybody.” While he’s talking Rob keeps touching his face, checking to see that the make-up covering his forehead is intact. Evidently, the word “Stupid” is still written there!

Alicia looks very hot in her red bikini, and is as out-spoken as ever. “Every one knows,” she says, “I’m outspoken. You push my buttons and you get me to crack. That may be my demise.” I’m pretty sure Alicia has been blessed with new boobs by the Silicon gods. I don’t remember seeing those babies in the Outback!

The Chapera find their machete, along with a map to their water and a ‘burnt tree’(?).

“Which way is North?” asks Sue. Yes, Sue Hawke herself. Looking—well—pretty bad. Like maybe she spent the past three years laying on the side of a road somewhere in rural Wisconsin, dying of thirst. And no one would stop to give her water.

They find their water well and bucket, but with no fire they can’t drink yet.

Ethan, all shirtless & curly haired, is so optimistic about the people of Saboga: “All these different styles of play are going to come together!” Evidently Ethan cannot see the big target painted on his chest. These players may come together to spank you, soccer boy.

Tina, in a bright floral bikini, and with new, improved implants: “It’s all about life experiences! When I kick the bucket, I am going out with a casket full of life experiences.” Sadly, Tina, winning again will not be one of them.

Rupert, in our favorite tie-dye shirt: “I’ll just try to stand back and let all these egos decide what we’re going to do. I’ll just be the worker bee.” Rupert has a heart of gold, and the strength of ten because his heart is pure. At least that’s what we have seen so far. Rumor is, he has way more of a nasty side than we ever saw in the Pearl Islands.

Magilla! It’s Magilla! He is not introduced, but the camera clearly shows Magilla hanging out in the trees above Saboga. How could we have an All Star Survivor without everyone’s favorite simian? From looking at his face I can tell Magilla is planning to piss in their water pot, and steal food every chance he gets. He may fling some feces this time around, too. Ya gotta love Magilla!

Jenna L. is up next. She says “death to past winners” in at least three different sentence structures. She is quite passionate about this, and by the most amazing of coincidences—Saboga is home to two past winners! (Isn’t it amazing how these coincidences always happen in EPMB’s random tribe selection process?)

Jerri has a new strategy: “To keep my damn mouth shut.” Apparently she is going to talk out of her ass the entire game this time. Oh joy.

Like Chapera, Saboga find their map and water well. Rudy immediately chugs a bunch of unboiled water while everyone else gasps & yells “No!”

Jerri, her mouth flapping wide in the wind, tells the camera that there are things growing in the water “that can give you a brain parasite.”

Rudy is unimpressed. “I’ve drunk dirtier stuff than that. Besides, I only have half a brain so that cuts my chances some, don’t it?”

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