There is a new Executive Production Consultant for this show. Everyone, let’s give a warm welcome to Mr. Willy Wonka. Since poor Joe Millionaire can’t tell the sincerity of the girls’ intentions, we have brought in a technological masterpiece of machinery to help him. Wonka: The Eggdicator. The Eggdicator can tell the difference between a good egg and a bad egg. If it's a good egg, it's shined up and shipped out all over the world. But if it's a bad egg . . . down the chute. It's an educated Eggdicator. David: It's a lot of nonsense. Wonka: (singing) A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
So, the “girls” are instructed to line up for the Rose/Ruby Ceremony, I mean, Eggdicator Ceremony. Giada: bad egg, the girl is so worried about being booted, she’s blowing up like a Blueberry. Cat: bad egg, but thoroughly enjoys the lickable wallpaper. Me bad. Petra: good egg, she grew up on a farm, so she knows how to act like a chicken. Kristyna: bad egg, doesn’t really like David, but acts like a Slugworth. Anique: bad egg, yes, she’d like an Everlasting Gobbstopper, I mean, Diamond necklace. Olinda: bad egg, the girl wants more stuff than Veruca Salt. Looks like an Oompa-loompa too. David: I’ll take Anique, Cat, Petra, and Oompa Loompa woman. (*plop plop* - Giada and Kristyna fall down the chute). Mr. Paul: Um . . . where'd they go to? WONKA: Where all the other bad eggs go: down the garbage chute. Mr. Paul: (laughing) The garbage chute. Where does it lead to? WONKA: I think it drops them off on the NJ Turnpike, just like in the movie, Being John Malkovich.
Ep 6 Begins... Someday his Princess will come Cast: Evil Stepmother = Olinda Evil Stepsisters = Anique-stasia & Petra-cilla Puss in Boots = Cat (a Cat who wears boots) Prince Charming = David (sad but true) Mystery Princess = Linderella (please, please, please)
Once upon a time, there was a handsome young pauper, disguised as a Prince. He lived in a beaten-down shack, with only his trusty horse to keep him company. He made a wish on a star, to be the star of his own tv show and get lots of action from some hot babes. Suddenly, there appeared from nowhere, the magical fairy god-butler, Paul. Paul was indeed surprised to find such a catch - just what he had been looking for = a naive-type, no-hype, Woody-Harrelson-looking, dirt-poor, stallion-riding, manure-shoveling, oat-sowing, fiancee-dumpin, slow-talkin, jive-walkin, meal-praying, ma'am-saying, desperate-attention-seeking ...... man-whore! And the search for his Princess began. Fairy-Butler: Sir, let’s have a ball, and invite all of the finest eligible maidens of the village. Prince: Yes, Sir. Sounds like a right fine idea to me. F-B: No, sir. You are “sir”. I am Paul. Prince: Yes, Sir. F-B: Oh, this is gonna be a long one..... *repeatedly bangs head against wand*
(You know the rest, let’s fast forward a bit).
Four Dates and a Funeral
When the girls arrive to the Hotel via Obvious Celebrity Limo, the paid-for-their-services-by-Fox-producers-PAPPARAZZI are there to greet them and take pictures, which will shortly be for sale on Ebay - for 22 cents each. Paul: “The Rock-star welcome is going to their heads.”
THAT’S A BAD DAY (To the tune of That’s Amore) When the stink hits the fan, like a big Pizza Pan, that’s a Bad Day. The girls start to opine when they’ve had too much wine, that’s a Bad Day. Label says “Chardonnay” but its just “Sutter’s bay”, it’s a mix up. Make-up crew comes on in, because Olinda’s skin, needs a fix up. Bells will ring, but it’s no big thing, just another bling-bling from our good-do’er. Girls will play, rolling in the hay, just to get away from the smell of manure. When the girls make you drool cause you’re such a big fool, that’s Anique-ay. When you walk down the street and your date smells like feet, that’s Cat-ay. When you wake from a dream with a girl who’s obscene, that’s Olin-day. Excuse me, hey hey hey, back in ole USA, that’s a Bad Day.
There is a girl fight over room selection, and even Petra-cilla remarks that Evil Ma was acting like a spoiled brat. The girls are invited up to the rooftop for a glass of, what else?, champagne. Fox wants alcohol-induced behavior and confessions, and they’ve struck Texas Oil with Olinda. Evil Ma starts shaking and channels the spirit of Lamy from Paradise Hotel, and starts spouting her venemous hate, anger, and threats. (c’mon, you knew I’d have to get a Pho reference in somewhere...)