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The Next Joe Millionaire - Episode 4 Summary

'Linda and the Beasts' By Bebo
Original Airdate: November 3, 2003

Tale as old as time,
True as true can be
Girl thinks guy is rich,
She becomes a bitch,
No surprise to me…

AyaK: Bebo, didn’t you do a “Beauty and the Beast” rip-off during your Joe Millionaire summary last season.

Bebo: If they can recycle ideas, why can’t I?

AyaK: Good point. Cue music.

Just a little change,
Small to say the least
Need some clueless girls,
Search around the world,
Sequels are a beast.

Is it just me, or does their theme music sound like “City Slickers 3: The Quest for More Humiliation and Ratings?”

Note: This summary is made up of 90% recycled material. Kinda like Fox’s fall schedule.

Paul’s Recycled Bourbon Fireplace Opening

Paul sets the stage for the audience by telling us that the girls willing be put to work on a horse ranch. Hee hee hee, this time, the manure they’ll be shoveling around David will be actual horse excrement.

Animals on Parade...and Horses, Too

The girls are coming down for breakfast, and telling each other about their dreams. Anyone expecting a rendition of “Someday My Prince Will Come” at this point is sorely disappointed. Their musings sound more like Eva Gabor during the “Green Acres” intro as they dream of shopping and spas.

Paul walks in to announce that they are going to Tuscan horse ranch. As a typical Fox viewer, I am grateful for this frequent recap, since I missed the part about a Tuscan horse ranch the first time he brought this up to us. I have no attention span. Oh, yeah, I’m writing a summary, sorry. Their trip will be an overnighter, but before they pack, they are getting presents. Nine sets of eyes light up. Presents! Now you’re talkin’, Paul.

What present would a cowboy give to the European babes he’s trying to impress?
a. Italian shoes
b. Anything from Hermes
c. Cowgirl hats and boots

If you answered anything but c, what show are you watching?

The girls are excited about riding. Linda says she doesn’t know how, but she’s looking forward to having David teach her. Oh, darn, they were talking about riding horses.

Commercials…Who was the genius that actually thought someone would pay to get “Joe 2 Go” text messages? Probably the same guy who thought that Fox should sue itself over a “Simpsons” episode.

All they wanna do is ride around David (Ride, David, ride)…

David tells the girls they look nice. They agree. It’s nice to see that European girls don’t have the same esteem issues that American girls do.

David asks them is they want to ride, and they’re psyched. Then he points out that he means horses, and they’re not as enthused. Then he points out that they have to clean the stables first, and, well, not as enthused doesn’t begin to describe their reaction to that news. Lina whines about her nails and asks why he couldn’t hire someone to clean the stables. Anique thinks it’s logical to have to do some work. Suck-up. Linda just watches. Hmm, she wants David to teach her to ride, and she likes to watch. Must.not.go.there. Olinda just got busy, showing that she’s quite experienced in shoveling crap. Petra moves some stuff around for a few minutes, decides she’s done, and joins the others on the sidelines. Resisting the urge to compare their efforts in the stables to efforts in the bedroom. Then again, sometimes it’s just enough to suggest it and let you use your own dirty minds.

Finally, there’s riding. Yes, I mean horses again. When David puts on his rodeo chaps, Olinda enjoys how they show off his butt. Lina thought he looked sexy. Anique was finding him more attractive since he seemed more natural, like he wasn’t acting. If you only knew. Kristyna wanted to ride…Hurricane, so David put her up on the horse with him. Oooh, if looks could kill, she would have fallen right off with a broken neck. I thought I heard meowing.

Giada whines. “I’m tired. I’m hungry.” We girls know that the best way to a man’s heart is through whining and complaints. You go girl.

Linda is ready to get off the horse, but David swings up behind her to convince her to ride a little longer. Yes, I still mean the horse. While they’re on the horse together, the sun shines more brightly, the birds start chirping, and…

New and a bit alarming,
Who’d have thought that this could be
He’s richer than Prince Charming
But there’s something in him that I simply didn’t see

There’s something sweet
And almost kind
And on this horse, he’s close to me and I don’t mind
And now he’s dear
I’m scared, not sure
I think there’s something there that wasn’t there before.

And what do the other girls think while this little romance is going on? Me. Ow.

Next, David informs his ladies that they’ll be camping and walks them down to the tents. Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen tents like these in the L.L. Bean catalog. And those tables and chairs? Definitely not your fold-up camping variety. WTF is Paul wearing? The last time I was in Tuscany, camping attire did not come from the Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter Collection. Honey, you’re in the wrong Disney rip-off summary, since that look belongs in a Tarzan rip-off, not a B&B one.

Be our guest
Be our guest
Put our service to the test
See the beefcake with the cooler and then we’ll provide the rest
Hors d'oeuvres
For the whores
As you fight to make him yours
Watch the chef sling round the beef
Barbecue beyond belief…

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