The Next Joe Millionaire - Episode 3 Summary

'Saying Grace Under Fire' By StarryLuna

Previously (Yesterday) on Joe Millionaire: David meets the gold-diggers, excuse me, girls at a "ball." According to David "Czech girls are hot." David and the girls "dance" like they’re at a ball in 1812. Brief shots of the rejected girls b!itching because they weren’t picked. "Whatever." "David is so not me."

Opening Credits: David comes riding in on his horse as a map of Europe shows up on screen. Pictures of the girls appear, with rope X’s showing us whose been rejected. From Germany: Cat, Jerusha (roped reject), and Johanna (roped reject). From Sweden: Olinda and her Mick Jagger lips and Lina. From the Czech Republic (home of the aforementioned "hot girls"): Kristyna, Linda, Tereza and Karolina. From The Netherlands: Anique and Petra. From Italy: Yassamin (roped reject), Alessia and Giada.
And, last but certainly not least, "David Smith as Joe."

The Ladies’ Man appears with his glass of courvisier…wait, this is a real show, not just an SNL sketch. Pimp Master Paul and his cognac brings us up to speed and tells us that the girls all want to know about David’s most fascinating quality – his money. Word. Pimp Master asks if David will be able to keep his story straight…because telling a bunch of women that you had your horse flown from the US to Italy is so easy to forget.

Morning After First Elimination: The ladies appear at breakfast in their usual form, hung-over, with sunglasses and cigarettes and looking like they were rode hard and put away wet. Seriously, do they not think that there’s a possibility that David may pop in for breakfast sometime? Olinda complains that the pearls aren’t big enough for her taste. Obviously she’s had a lot of experience with pearl necklaces. The girls discuss what David does for a living and whether the rodeo is a "real job." Olinda says that "In America, they become superstars over there. It’s true. They get fans and it’s like totally crazy." Okay, all you US citizens, its quiz time. Quickly, name me a famous rodeo star. (And you can’t say "David Smith" or "That guy that dates Jewel.")

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Meanwhile, David returns to Pimp Master Paul’s School of How to Pick Up Chicks and Influence People. Paul tells David that the European girls will be much more inquisitive then the American girls, especially when it comes to the money. Therefore, David must keep his story straight. Paul and David discuss the Hurricane blunder, and David claims that if he had $80 million, he’d bring his horse to Europe. Paul: "How old are you?" David: "24." Paul: "No, you’re not." David: "25, right." Why would they make him lie about his age? Because being 25 makes you appear so much older and wiser then 24? (Holy crap…just had the slightly disturbing realization that David Smith and I are the same age. I’m not quite so sure why that bothers me as much as it does.) Paul asks David if his uncle is alive and David responds, "Yes, Sir." Pimp Master Paul points out to David that if his uncle has left David $80 million, then it would appear that his uncle must be dead. David hopes the girls don’t ask this many questions. Pimp Master Paul shows that he has learned something not many other men have discovered: "They will. They’re women."

The girls spend the day relaxing around the pool. Paul shows up to inform them that David will be taking them on group dates and that for the first date, David will be taking out Kristyna, Olinda and Giada to go to Montecatini. The girls get ready and Olinda says she doesn’t chase guys, guys chase her. With what, a pick-axe? A chainsaw?

Date #1: David and the girls ride a trolley up the mountain to learn how to make pottery. Along the way, the girls began quizzing him on how he got Hurricane to Italy. David says he brought Hurricane over on a cargo plane and begins talking about how some of the rodeo riders fly their horses to Canada. Way to go, David. Haven’t you embarrassed the US Rodeo Association enough already? Olinda asks where Hurricane is now and David just looks at her with his face blank and mouth hanging open. Olinda asks if Hurricane is on some ranch and David sputters, "Yes, ma’am, he’s in the stables." Smooth.

After the pottery lesson, David and the girls go out for traditional Italian food. Olinda and Kristyna go to the bathroom, leaving Giada alone with David. These girls are a little less ruthless then the girls last season. Heidi would have never left a girl alone with Evan.

When the food arrives, David says Grace. Olinda has already popped a huge piece of food in her mouth and is gnawing away on it like a cow chews its cud. When David finishes, Olinda says "Amen, Praise the Lord!" in a fake Southern accent, which clearly pisses David off.

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