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The Next Joe Millionaire - Episode 8 Summary

'Fee, Fie, Faux, Fum' By tig_ger
Original Airdate: November 17, 2003

This episode does not start at 9:00 PM, because after all, none of the Fox shows are punctual. They wait to make an “grand entrance.” Or something like that. Watching Fox is like watching your own private Tivo commercial. Our VCR always misses the first few minutes or the last few minutes. I am convinced that Tivo and Fox have a revenue sharing agreement that I would really love to audit. Except that Tivo doesn’t work all the time either.

Mr. Tig: Joe Millionaire was on at 8:00 PM too, did you know that?
Tig: Yes, we taped it.
Mr. Tig: So, don’t you have to summarize that?
Tig: No, I have to write the second half of the show. It won’t be pretty. I’m not funny. When I signed up, I had no idea that everyone would be comparing my summary to Bucky Katt’s.
Mr. Tig: Who???

Last episode:

Read Bucky’s outstanding summary. Anique goes. Petra with the “great personality” stays. Remember that. That is a Fox foreshadowing moment. If you’ve watched any Fox television show before, you poor poor unfortunate soul, you know exactly what I mean. Cat also stays. Paul thinks that David has made an “interesting choice.” Linda returns from her Mediterranean cruise with the Senior Vice President of Subtitles. Apparently, he dumped her after hooking up with a hot Australian chick that is auditioning for the Revenge of Joe Millionaire Part III. (C’mon, you all know we have a few more continents to exploit.) Since Linda was cast off so abruptly, she wants another opportunity with David’s money. Anique has already put out, so David doesn’t mind the switch.

Mr. Tig: Didn’t you say that your episode summary was on December 15th? Why are you doing this the day after you return from vacation?
Tig: Well, it was originally on the 18th, but Fox changed the schedule twice. I said I could do this day. And I can. Especially since it means I can read a summary by DebCapsFan.
Mr. Tig: Who???

This episode:

This episode starts out with all of the girls pissing and moaning about Cat. Apparently, Cat is last season’s Sarah. I can’t wait to see the foot fetish tapes. The girls are a bit Catty and think that Sarah Cat sees this as a game. I can’t disagree. Each of them is a player.

Paul comes in. He says that he’s staggered that they are “up” that early. Petra gives him a wink and a big kiss and says that she was just about to say the same thing to him. Paul says that they should meet Samantha, the invisible hostess, in the Grand Salon. Now, I have yet to understand the role of Samantha in this production. Let me make an analogy. When was the last time (outside of Russia) you went to a McDonalds where there was a hostess? Similarities between David & The Girls and McDonalds (cheap, trashy, fast, served billions…) seem to indicate that a hostess is really not necessary.

Mr. Tig: Why don’t you just read the East Coast Spoilers and summarize those?
Tig: Nobody spoils Joe Millionaire, because nobody watches the show.
Mr. Tig: So, nobody will read your summary.
Tig: Exactly.
Mr. Tig: So, why are you doing this again?
Tig: I told AyaK I would, and I am very afraid of him.
Mr. Tig: Who????

The girls are informed that someone who was eliminated gets to return. They both start to guess who it might be. It takes them all of one second to figure out that it is Linda, but the Senior Vice President of Subtitles makes them start over with their guessing to obtain enough footage. Sarah Cat is threatened by the return of another girl, but Petra is glad. Petra’s tired of making out with Paul and she’s afraid whatever Sarah Cat has is catching.

Sarah Cat says something about how important it was that she was the first girl he kissed. One drunken evening I surveyed Mr. Tig and all of their friends to see if they could describe for me the best kiss and the best sex they ever had. Without exception, each guy said the last kiss and the last time they had sex was the best. After thinking for an indeterminable period of time, some of the guys came up with a more creative answer, but it took some serious time. Note to Sarah Cat: Guys don’t seem to remember that sort of thing. It’s more like an anniversary and less like a baseball stat. Therefore, it will not be remembered. Based upon my nonstatistical survey, I can only presume that perhaps it would be better to be the last person who kissed David instead of the first.

Petra is wearing a cowboy hat that is reminiscent of Mojo. Paul takes her aside and tells her that the poem, puzzle and family album did not work last season. He also coaches her to not use the term “husband and wife.” She thanks him in her own special way and gives him the puzzle to add to his collection.

Mr. Tig: Let’s just watch the CSI from last week that we taped.
Tig: C’mon, you’re a chemist. cq venus says that scientists cannot watch the show.
Mr. Tig: Who???

And then, they are off to Venice, the City of Love. Perhaps it will do something for David & His Girls. I mean, if you can’t fall in love in Venice, you can’t fall in love. Give up now. They take a boat through this beautiful city and arrive at their hotel. Mojo Petra gives a huge smile to Paul, and says, “and there was Paul.” I know there is someone out there that doesn’t believe that anything is going on between Mojo Petra and Paul, and I invite them to review this footage.

Mojo Petra asks, “So, who is the next girl going to invade our life?”

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