The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. -- Cher
Marriage marks the end of many short follies - being one long stupidity. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Well folks, we’re finally here. It’s the final episode of the second edition of The Bachelor. In the next two hours, we will find out the answers to the following burning questions: Which bachelorette will Aaron choose? Will they find love? Will there be a proposal? Will she say yes? Will I manage to finish this summary without falling asleep? Does anyone actually care?
Now, since this is the summary of the final episode, the “Previouslys” must necessarily include a fond look back at the entire journey:
In the preview show, we first met Aaron and the four other potential bachelors, and all of them were massive tools. Aaron was picked because, well, I don’t know why. Maybe because he was the biggest tool of them all, or maybe because he had the most family money, I suppose, and could save ABC the cost of the engagement ring (more on that later).
We also caught up with the original Bachelor, Alex, when he and Amanda gave their final interview ever, and don’t even think of asking them again, because their relationship is private. If by “private,” they meant “nonexistent,” since it’s hard for a man and a woman to have a meaningful romantic relationship when one of them is gay. Oh wait, that’s right, Alex isn’t gay. The two of them put quite a lot of energy into making sure we were clear on that point, didn’t they? It brought to mind my favorite line from Hamlet. You know, the one about protesting too much.
By the way, for those of you clamoring for Bachelor gossip (don’t deny it - you know you want it), it turns out that my new boyfriend, let’s call him Bob, went to college with Alex, so I have it on good authority that Alex and Amanda did indeed break up quite a while ago. However, Bob also says he’s pretty sure Alex is not gay, so… I don’t know.
In Episode 1, we got to meet the 25 whores, or “bachelorettes” as their pimp Michael Eisner prefers to call them. Actually, did they really call them that? I’m not even sure. Maybe they called them “ladies”. I can’t remember at this point, and I’m not going back to check. Most of the whores were blonde, with a few ethnic types thrown into the mix in the name of diversity. The field was immediately cut to 15 after a night of preening for both Aaron and the cameras, but not before Suzanne told Christi that being Miss Idaho wasn’t such a big deal because there weren’t that many women in Idaho, and at the time we just thought it was routine, run-of-the-mill cattiness, rather than the first push towards sending Christi completely over the edge, resulting in her running to the internet to download recipes for boiling bunnies so she could play Glenn Close to Aaron’s Michael Douglas. Also, at some point, Anindita compared herself to a cow, or…something. What was up with that, anyway?
In Episode 2, we saw the now-famous catfight involving Christi, Anindita, and Suzanne. It hurt Christi’s heart, remember? Anindita and Frances made feminists everywhere proud when they were EMPOWERED by rejecting Aaron before he could reject them, attempting to thereby salvage at least some part of their reputations from being further sullied by this train-wreck of a show. Not that they were successful, mind you, but you’ve got to at least admire them for trying. Aaron tossed another three of the whores, leaving ten left, and made everyone watching slap their foreheads in disbelief when he actually gave crazy Christi a rose.
In Episode 3, Aaron’s friends showed up to help him out in his quest for love. Crazy Christi shoved her head so far up into their asses that she could see out their mouths, in an attempt to show them just how perfect she was for Aaron. Aaron, however, finally saw through it all and sent Christi packing, and watching her break down was even better than watching Rhonda hyperventilate in the first season. In other news, Brooke maybe left her panties in the limo with Aaron. Ew.
In Episode 4, the six remaining hos took personality tests to determine which of them were the most compatible with Aaron, meaning which of them also had no personality (seriously, he is so incredibly bland). With Christi gone, Heather took over as the resident crazy chick and was swiftly served out on her ass.
In Episode 5, Aaron visited the families of Gwen, Helene, Brooke, and Angela (who?), also known as the final four. Angela’s “family” also included her roommate, who some called crazy, but others called the most sane one there. Angela was then booted, leaving many to wonder how she made it to the final four without actually having been on the show.
In Episode 6, Aaron went on “exotic” overnight dates with the Helene, Gwen, and Brooke. He then eliminated Gwen and revealed that he had fallen in love with one of the remaining hos. Supposedly, it was “the most dramatic rose ceremony ever,” but I’m not sure I can see how anything could top the ones with the crazy chicks.
Finally, last week, we were reunited with the 23 losers, most of whom I swear I’d never seen before. Christi repeatedly claimed she was not crazy, again recalling Hamlet. Heather revealed herself to be even more of a basket case than originally thought.