15 women who, by appearing on this show, admit on national television that they lack the wherewithal to sign up for Match.com like everyone else, were treated to dates involving smelly beasts, sour grapes, and sand in unmentionable places. And it was the onerous task of one man -- Aaron The Bachelor, billed as a 21st century "Renaissance man" despite lacking membership in the SCA or even owning a good codpiece -- to choose between these cows ... er, chicks ... er, "ladies", and narrow the field from 15 to 10. He did so with such a show of angst and feigned concern that women all over America wanted to send teddy bears to console him, including me. Of course, the one I sent had anthrax spores in its fuzzy-wuzzy widdle paws, but I've said too much already.
The fourth episode of this wretched show (while watching it, I am overcome with the sudden urge to don latex gloves) opens with 10 remaining Bachelorettes. At the end of this episode, they promise to send four more girls home -- their dreams dashed, their hearts broken, and their Prozac prescriptions in hand. We are on the edge of our seats with what we originally thought was anticipation but which turns out to be merely the inevitable result of some bad pesto.
Moving on...remaining in the stable, we currently have the following potential brood mares available for Aaron The Stud:
Helene - a psychologist for an elementary school, who puts so much effort into being interesting she breaks a sweat...and *still* doesn't manage it (note to Helene: junior high may have given you more relevant experience here); Kyla - ohmyheck, another virgin girl from Utah with a cheap streak job. And what is with her eyes? She looks like a frog in a bad country-western wig (note to Kyla: might want to get that thyroid checked); Shannon - some girl they keep insisting is on this show, despite the lack of any actual film of her whatsoever (note to Shannon: way to fly UTR...He keeps thinking He has to get to know you better because He can't remember ever seeing you before) (extra note to Shannon: the fact that He can't remember you does not bode well for your eternal wedded bliss..."Married? No, I'm not married that I can recall"); Gwen - seems like a classy, bright girl, and I have no idea what she's doing among the rest of these desperate attention whores (note to Gwen: I have single male friends who do not look constipated when they play the piano who might want your number); Brooke - the blonde southern belle with the jailbird daddy, who seems to have just realized that the University of Alabama doesn't formally award MRS degrees (note to Brooke: make sure He has His own tux for the big Homecoming dance); HeatherFromTexas - even if Aaron The Wonderful doesn't pick her, I think the cameraman and/or editor will, considering that every event, no matter how insignificant, requires a reaction shot of HeatherFromTexas (note to HeatherFromTexas: you are a brunette, and therefore have about as much chance at winning Aaron The Wonder Lad's heart as I do at winning Miss Congeniality); Angela - the rather weaselly-faced nurse from Missouri, like Aaron The Chosen One, picked so He won't have to pay relocation costs after the engagement (note to Angela: He's only keeping you around to administer penicillin shots after the dates); Hayley - she owns a clothing boutique, so please tell me why all the clothes she brought look like her mother made them, and that evidently her mother is blind and prone to grand mal seizures (note to Hayley: keep up the poor fashion sense, so far it's the only way I can tell you apart from Shannon); HeatherFromCalifornia - the blonde one, she of the saggy cleavage she feels she must expose as often as possible (note to HeatherFromCalifornia: you will not be chosen either, for the simple reason that you will always be, in His mind, "HeatherFromCalifornia" rather than "HeatherMyGirlfriend", "HeatherMyWife", or "HeatherMyDutifulSubmissiveWench"); Christi - the pity rose. She's from Idaho, which is appropriate, considering she has the personality of a bipolar potato (note to Christi: No one loves you. You are not beautiful, special, or unique. You should, however, seek counseling for that inferiority thing you've got going).
How can He possibly choose between all these lovely women? Simple: He can't. He is so completely incapable of making up his own mind -- a tenuous proposition at best -- that He has to rely on His friends to make the decision for Him. Chris The Host (who is hoping that the line, "Hi, I'm the Host," will induce women to swallow) introduces these friends, Ryan and Melissa, a brother-sister team (but not in a Blake-and-Paige kind of way), who are in charge of determining which two girls will be privileged enough to get an individual date with Aaron The Amazing. The rest will be relegated to the dreaded group dates. Ryanissa ask a series of questions that theoretically will winnow the list of 10 to a list of 2, based on compatibility with their impotent friend.