When this week's episode starts, I think I've made a huge mistake and taped the newest soap opera, "Hairbrushing Ho's" only to find out that I was actually watching Aaron's hopefuls practicing the everyday art form known as pimping...I mean primping. *Yawn* Let's get to the good stuff already!
What the hell is the significance of the deer in the opening scene? All I know is that where I live, we are talking about killing off a certian percentage of 'em because they are overtaking all the other animal's food source. In this episode, you get a rose if you survive a deer hunt in one piece. If anybody was wondering why this season was so boring, all you need to do is see the monterage of all the horney ho-bags heating thier heads of hair for like a hundred minutes. But at least we get to see our first taste of chick on chick action with Brooke smacking Haley's booty.
Chris calls all of this weeks losers into the living room for a suprise. After convincing them that they're not gonna be left in the woods for a game of 'The last four alive get a rose', he reminds them about the personality analysis they all took before the show started.
Chris: Ok ladies, you all remember the personality analysis you took before show, right? Group: ummm, yeah? Chris: Well, we designed the test to show us whose personality matched Aaron's personality the best. Helene: I knew I should've left last week. Brooke: The other girls say that I'm too young to have a personality. Gwen: Shut up! You guys act like a bunch of step sisters or something. Haley to Angela: What? Personality? What's that? Chris: The bad thing is that none of y'all have a personality. The good thing is that niether does Aaron. Actually, Aaron had to draw straws to see who would be going on the individual dates. That's where it gets bad again...after seeing who his individual dates were, he asked for a 2 out of 3 deal. We had to tell him "No" because it didn't work for him the last time he tried it. Heather: Crap! I knew I should've lied!
Chris tells the 1 non blondes that they will find out who's going on what dates when the date boxes start arriving. Duh, really? Now, this is the best part...Chris lets the girls know that he will be leaving and won't be back until the rose ceremony. Woohoo! The ladies find this to be the highlight of thier day!
Date Box #1-Rub her down or Rub her out?
The first box arrives and Heather finds it to be a heavy one. Hmmm? Maybe Christie killed a rabbit, stuffed it in Sami's anthrax-laced teddy, and slipped it in Heather's box. The girls all gather 'round drooling over the box hoping that they will be the first to have Aaron all to herself. The box opens, and they all gasp. The anticipation is killing me. As they reach in, I expect Heather to pull out a ragged, bloody mess of fur, only to be disappointed when a harmless scrubby sponge and massage oil come out instead. Heather is the un-lucky recipient of date box #1.
Aaron arrives muttering something about the personality test being rigged. He's also heard that Heather intends on testing out his pucker (no, not that one!) tonight, and he's rather scared! In the limo, Heather admits to never having had a real massage and can't wait for the matching robes. Aaron quickly spills the beans about forgoing the robe and doing the massage nekkie! Hey Aaron, is that your personality showing? They get into a helicopter and about make me sick with all this prince charming, hand holding crap. At least we get a shot of the sun so I can stare at it long enough to burn out my corneas.
They land in SB (Santa Barbara) where they are treated to a sensual massage. Heather blabs on and on about the heat and chemistry between them only to find out later that it was the massuesse that was making her so hot! What massage would be complete without a soak in the hot tub? Judging by the reaction to the scalding hot water, Aaron and Heather would've probably like to nix the burn tank this time around. Heather springs her plan into action by immediately nibbling, stroking, and straddling her prince charming only to have Aaron jump straight out of the jacuzzi and into the pool. Aaron sees absolutely no sparks, while Heather sees a house, a white picket fence, wife, mother, children, soccer team, blah, blah, blah. You know what I see? A goddamned rose, cling-on wench.
Meanwhile, back at Loser's Lodge, wait...wrong show. Back at the Cockoo's Castle, Gwen shows the viewing audience that she's Obsessive-Compulsive. After checking outside for Date box #2 every five minutes, she finally sees it. Well, it's been there all along, she's just blind.
Date Box #2 - Riding in huge vegetation with boys!
Date box #2 is a disgustingly sweet, satin covered, glass box addressed to Gwen. Inside is a glass slipper and a promise that fairy tales do come true. Gwen sweetheart, he's lying. My man told me the same thing, but I don't ever remember the fairy tale where the couple ended up living in the backwoods of the midwest where thier only friends have no teeth and thier only mode of transportation is on cinder blocks . Run, Gwen, run as fast as you can! Where did all that come from? Nevermind, on to the rest of the show. Gwen gets made into Cinderella while the evil step sisters look on! As she is gracefully walking down the stairs, Heather hopes that she'll take a face dive and break her pretty tiara. No such luck.