Wow. Can I just say I’m the luckiest gal in the world? I’ve dreamt of a dramatic rose ceremony, but who knew the reality TV gods actually heard and answered my pleas. It was so tremendously perfect, but first, you have to suffer through the rest of my summary to get to the good stuff. Hey, it’s only fair; I had to suffer through the whole awkward, uncomfortable hour of the show to earn my reward of a stupendous finish.
We all know Aaron, our adorably-nervous and down-home hero from the backwoods. Chris, the incredibly geeky and disturbing man who asks all the wrong questions, tells the girls they’ll get a chance to get to know him better on a mass-date, which Aaron helped them to design. I say B.S. I bet it went down something like this:
Producers: Okay, Aaron, we have a racetrack date, a beach date, and a vineyards date. Any ideas of your own you’d like to throw out? Aaron: Um, I was thinking a racetrack date, a beach date and a vineyards date. What do you think? Producers: Perfect. Good call. That’s our boy.
Horses and Whores
Just like something out of pretty woman, Aaron takes his first dates to the racetrack. Something about a suite at the track just screams romance, eh, ladies? I kick myself for not signing up for this show. All my man does is take me out for walks on moonlit beaches, to the theater for midnight showings of old Hepburn movies, and to the park for quiet, private picnics. Man, I so wish someone would take me off to a racetrack. I’m so unlucky when it comes to romance.
Anyway, on this date are Gwen, Frances, Blonde Heather, Dana and Helene – but, really, their names aren’t important since they’re all really just the same girl with different colored hair. Gwen almost gets catty on the train ride to Del Mar when she sees Aaron pull Helene off to have some private time. But, she just doesn’t have that fighting spirit and her stock with me plummets. She could’ve gotten up and clawed the girl’s eyes out, but no, my hopes of an all-out brawl are dashed along with the girls’ pride and respectability.
Aaron tells the Stepford dates to pick a horse, and the winner gets to go on a balloon ride with him. Not-Quite-Catty Gwen wins with her horse (and I swear I had to replay the tape a billion times here as I thought they said Loose Expectation) Blue’s Expectation, I think. Being the true romantic that he is, Aaron makes Gwen high-five him and off they go. Their date looks uncomfortable and their smiles looked forced. But, screw it, they kiss anyway and it’s here we see that Aaron has been practicing his “church tongue”. After 15 warnings by the balloon pilot (are they really called pilots?) that they should hold on when he lands, Aaron takes a stab at saying something sweet and nice and his timing proves to be way off. They crash-land into a field and his awkward compliment is wasted. I laugh at the producers’ genius. Now we know why they say Aaron had a hand in creating the dates… so when Gwen gets whiplash, they can pin that part of the date on him. Whatta sucker.