The Bachelor 2 - Episode 100, Part 9 Summary

'The Bachelor Meets Hollywood' By LionChow

Act II – Mark in Top Gun – Our first candidate, Tom Cruise (“but I’m much taller”), is an Air Force pilot that promises to exhaust any female that would dare try to spend a day living at his pace. He is shown flying, biking, swimming, running and otherwise exercising at a rate that makes you wonder if you’ve accidentally tuned in an old Ironman Triathlon training video. Mark is an attractive guy, with not a lot of room for body fat in his life (sorry Amanda, no back-to-back titles), but unfortunately for all the women that have begun salivating at his good looks and cut body, he soon accidentally spills the beans that he won’t have much time for you either! Sure enough, Mark, the show’s producers and his sponsors say a lot of the things a woman would want to hear: nice guy, got bank, sincere, very interesting, but somewhere in there he begins to let on the he is A.F. pilot first, triathlete second and maybe-your-husband third…definitely in that order. Maybe it was when he sheepishly admitted to wearing his flight suit to go shopping because people treated him like a god that the message finally got through loud and clear. Or maybe it was when he said “My life is so great, I’m complete as a person right now.” Well, who needs the ball-and-chain, eh buddy? In the end, Mark comes across as something out of An Officer And A Gentleman. The women flock to him because he is a pilot, through and through. Debra Winger and her friends want his proposal not so much because he is the perfect husband providing the perfect relationship, but because he will give them the Officer’s wife lifestyle, a trophy husband if you will. My rating for chances at being picked: 4:1.

Act III – Jason in Bonfire of the Vanities – I use this title not so much for it’s plot or message, but simply because the four words describe this next guy to a “T”. Jason is quite simply the most arrogant, self-loving man you will probably ever see. All women love him…just ask Jason, he’ll tell you! The downfall of many a hero in Greek mythology was hubris, or excessive pride, so I present to you the Hubris clicker, using actual Jason quotes:

“I’m Jason and I’m America’s most eligible bachelor”{click}
“There’s not a lot of people like me”{click}
Jason says he’s “looking for a woman that will love him despite his large bank account”{click}
“I’m a 29 year old in a 21 year old body”{click}
“The women I date in S.F. revere me as a sexual object sometimes”{click}
“I’m having sexual relations with maybe three different women right now.” {click}
“Some guys view me as some sort of porn-star, chick magnet guy”{click}
“I can’t be cognizant of anybody except myself.”{click}
“If that’s not good enough for them, that’s fine, I can’t worry about that.”{click}

Much like Bachelor Number 1, Jason is frequently shown exercising, only it’s not nearly as convincing this time around. Jason plays basketball, but all he shoots are layups. Jason does chin-ups, but only two. Jason is shown sprinting, sometimes in slo-mo, but with a form that immediately brings Survivor Africa’s Brandon to mind. He seems to go fast, but the arms and legs are flying all over the place. It almost seems like he is being chased by a swarm of bees that he keeps swatting as he runs. Mark the Pilot would pummel this guy.
The depths of Jason’s self-love know no bounds and he would be perfect for a shallow, gold-digging, self-respect-less woman, who was interested in marrying a lot of money for a few years, then moving on. My rating for chances at being picked: 50:1.

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Act IV – The new bachellorettes in Striptease – Next we get to see the whole selection process for our new women. The winners, the losers and the everything in between. We get to hear their dreams and hopes, which gives us a little glimpse at which have the potential to be this season’s Rhonda. I won’t name them or go into it too much, not wanting to steal from next week’s thunder, but suffice it to say, we have good material heading our way.

Act V – Robert in Pretty Woman – He makes me think of the Richard Gere that did nothing but work, and didn’t really know what to do with the hooker he bought. Three different people nominated this guy, so folks who know him realize he needs some help. His first quote out of the gate is “it’s been a long time since I’ve had a serious girlfriend and I think this show can help me pull it together.” Uh-oh!
Then... “I was always a good kid, but with my friends, I was kind of a knucklehead.” Can’t you just hear the women swooning now!
“He works 24-7.” Yippee!
“I wanna wake up in the morning, roll over and say this is my wife.” Can’t you just feel the romance oozing out of this guy?
Robert doesn’t use ANY pick up lines. He doesn’t go to any bars anyway, so what difference does it make? My rating for chances at being picked: 10:1.

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