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The Amazing Race 9 - Episode 5 Summary

'Lake, You Magnificent Bastard!' By Cygnus X1
Original Airdate: March 28, 2006

“No bastard ever became a DAW by writing summaries for his bulletin board. You did it by making the other poor dumb bastard write summaries for HIS bulletin board!”

--Gen. George S. Patton, on the eve of the next Amazing Race leg in a location with which he was familiar

Pity me just a little bit. I have one of the toughest acts in the Universe of Snarque to follow in Estee. I mean, she looks at the world in ways that I could only hope to with the assistance of some controlled dangerous substances. Or perhaps some high explosives. Not to mention that she had one awesome Detour to summarize, and she nailed it! *smash* Just like that. *thud*

. . . and after I slowly come to . . .

If you don’t want to reabsorb Estee’s summary of last week’s March of the DAWs (but I recommend you do), I will recap it in the manner in which I did when I first came on these boards. You can still see examples of this dreck in the TAR Bashers archives:

Moscow. Red Square. Frat boys. Mat. First. But. Still racing. Oh. No. The dreaded. Superleg! Others. Just as surprised. Geeks. Last. Phil. Psych. To Germany.

Airport. That night. Frat boys. First flight. Hippies. Michelle and Flake. Out that night. Rest. Hosed. Til morning. All. Fly. Together.

Train. Stuttgart. Fratties. Where frauleins? Not. At Mercedes-Benz. Test track. Wall of Death. Screams. Fake vomit? Then. Autobahn. Kraftwerk. Bad Tolz. Good Roadblock? Nein! Search. Field. Gnomes. Travelocity. Dummkopf! Find. Gnome. Under. Heads. Feet. Pass Lena. Still. Pushing. Hay.

Momily Redux. Double D’s. Autobahn. Wrong. Way. Turn around. Wrong. Way. Again. Same. Place. Panic. Gnomeblock. Momily II. Panic. More.

Bavaria Films. Detour. Lederhosen. Dance? Smash? Fratties. Fraulein! Bash. Heads. With. Prop. Wine. Bottles. Like. Great. Race. Pie. Fight. Get. Label. And concussion. Also. Hippies. Commando! (Not. Kim.) And. Michelle And Flake.

Oldsters. Dance. Restart. Dance more. Geeks. Bash. Barbies. Team Buttocks. Bash. Switch. Dance. Sort of. Days. Later. Double D’s. Momily II. Dance. More or less.

Fratties. First. To mat. Munich. Phil. The Old Man From Scene 24. Hippies. .dnoceS. sdrawkcaB .nuR Race. For last. Momily II. Double D’s. Momily II. Out. Consolation prize. Snorkeling trip.

Thank you. Oh, and one final housekeeping bit: much lvoe to ARNutz for swapping weeks with me.

And now on to a much less choppy analysis of this week’s dead and wounded, which I hope will be less painful than walking through the glass strewn on the floor by those wine bottles! (Which, unfortunately, will NOT be one of this episode’s tasks.) But it will be punctuated with a few quotes from the movie Patton, for reasons that should become clear as this summary unfolds. Because I forgot to fold it up.

We start at the Sequester, a monument in Munich to all the other Philiminated teams in the history of TAR. Phil asks whether Lake and Michelle (Team Submission) can keep their momentum, and whether lvoe will keep David and Lori (Team Slide Rule) together. Time for me to slip Toni Tenille and Daryl Dragon a five-spot.

Eric and Jeremy (Team Cold Shower) leave first at 2:15 AM, proclaiming “Route Info!” as they rip open the envelope, like it would be a Roadblock right from the mat. They announce that they’re headed to “Paller-mo”, Sicily! Then they say that they’re not over-analyzing the game (thanks, we were SO worried), and add that the girls would do better if they would pull their heads out of their fine little asses. Guess Cold Shower must not have gotten much action, or the Pit Stop quarters were a little more confining this time around.

BJ and Tyler (Team Haight—Ashbury): 3:04 AM. They reward the passerby who gives them directions to the airport with a dance. The judges from the last Detour tell them to do it over before they can get out of the street. Or at least make BJ get into his lederhosen again, commando or not.

Moroccan Minister: (Morroccan Minister speaking to Patton,in presenting award, immediately after placing medal around Patton's neck) The lions in their dens tremble at his approach.

Team Submission: 3:09 AM. Michelle tells a fidgety Lake (has he been seeing Monica on the sly?) to be still, and know that Lake is God. (Oh, sorry; he tells her that 47 times a day, and has taken care of 14 between midnight and now.) Unlike Cold Shower, they’re heading to "Palomaro", to find their next clue on Jupiter through an Italian telescope. Next on “The Amazing Race Asteroid Belt Edition” . . . Scorekeeper Lake noted that she’s been right one or two times, while he’s been right three or four. He plans to have her other “successes” overturned after the producers review the tape.

At the Munich airport, Team Cold Shower shows it can’t go far without over-analysis, noting “Planes here!” Jeff Foxworthy interjects just long enough to say that both Eric and Jeremy used to run around in their back yards going, “Airpane! Airpane!” . . . when they were 14. When asking at the information desk, they find out the earliest flight to Palermo (which is someplace altogether different, pronounced “pah-LERR-mo”) leaves at 6:35 AM and arrives at 10:35. Then Eric asks the info-fraulein if she had a hickie on her neck, and if not, could he give her one? Sheesh, Kyle Boller could have made a better pass than that. Cold Shower slinks off to the Alitalia terminal to buy tickets when the counter opens.

Or so we’re led to believe. Because when Haight—Ashbury arrive, they find Cold Shower clowning around in wheelchairs and falling on their testosterone-laden asses. So does Submission when they enter, prompting Lake to say, “Just like we hoped, that y’all broke a leg.” Lake must have the Weavers on Dial-A-Prayer speeddial.

Lake and Michelle go off to look for an Internet terminal. But they must have read their e-mail, misfiled insurance papers for 12 of Lake’s patients, and figured out who the four out of five surveyed dentists are that didn’t want Lake on the race, all before getting around to purchasing tickets. Because if the editing can be believed, Haight—Ashbury and Cold Shower have time to race each other in the wheelchairs around the pylons used to steer lines toward the ticket counters. Eric wins, BJ is second, and Smarty Jones is the show horse. The exacta 2-1 pays $32.20. After that, BJ makes fun of Lake by calling him Blake.

Patton: God, how I hate the twentieth century.

But since the best one to make fun of Lake is, well, Lake (with Michelle a close second), Haight—Ashbury trot downstairs to the Internet area and calmly book seats on the 6:35 AM flight before Michelle can even find a site in English. Guess she was trying to translate into German or something. (Yes, I have product placement in my summary. You got a problem with that?) Once H-A get their tickets, Michelle can’t get the 6:35 Alitalia flight to appear. We learn it’s because BJ and Tyler scored the last two tickets on the plane! As Submission leave the Internet area with their tails between their legs, Michelle asks Lake to take charge. Lake responds that he doesn’t “do the Internet,” except for certain late nights at the office while Michelle is home with the kids. But he hasn’t figured out how to clear the cache or the history files.

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