At first, I was all excited to have a two-hour episode with the individual dates. However, in a move that outperforms The Donald's famous long winded “let’s tell about every breath taken” The Apprentice recaps, ABC's The Bachelor lands at the top of the hill on pathetic recap episodes!
I really wish everyone could learn from CBS that recaps work well when the viewers are presented with 30-45 second never before seen clips with the rest of the previously seen stuff. Not only has The Bachelor jumped the shark… hell, the whale is flopping around on the beach like the wounded animal it is.
ABC and The Bachelor decided that they wouldn’t go back to the first episode and update us on the DAWs that Travis didn’t pick. NOOOOOO! It was deemed essential to go back to SEASON FREAKIN ONE and update us on the couples from each season! I kid you not! Even Mark Burnett has enough sense to realize his DAWs 15 minutes are up by the time the next season begins.
While watching the show and thinking about how I wanted to approach the summary; I had decided to skip summarizing the first 45 minutes of updating us on what the past couples are doing now. However, if I did that there would be 5-6 posts complaining that I didn’t include the info. So, I refuse to give a play-by-play but I will give a one-sentence update on the couples that have survived from their season:
• Charlie and Sarah (The Bachelor Season 7) are living together in LA with no plans of marriage.
• Byron and Mary (The Bachelor Season 6) are living together and plan on getting married at the end of the year.
• Ryan and Trista (The Bachelorette Season 1) are still married and trying to start a family.
Now that I have had to watch 45 minutes of that junk, can I move on to the current season?
Travis sums up the three women remaining:
• Susan: He loves the way she wants to fall in love with him but is a little bothered by her mother and her views of their relationship. Read: Run the hell away from this woman before momma digs her fingernails in! This woman (the mother) reminds me of the Vicki Lawrence character “Momma”. At large and in charge!
• Sarah (TN): Travis thinks they have a great time together and enjoys the time they spend together. Read: This woman makes a great fag hag but not sure about wife material.
• Mooooowanna: Travis says that he things of excitement, no boundaries and chances when he thinks of her. He has no idea why anyone would not like her. Read: This cow has won and the other two are playing for runner-up.
First Date: Venice, Italy
They meet in a plaza and are attacked by 3,784,963,081 pigeons. The pigeons are aggressive as they attack our very lovely cow lady and I am sitting here waiting for one of them to poop in her hair. That would be the most priceless thing to happen on this season. But, to my disappointment, that doesn’t happen.
The healthy couple ventures into a café and Holsteinwanna breaks into Italian as she talks to their waiter. Travis is continually impressed with her and tells her so.
They go on a gondola ride through the canals and get all cuddly. Of course, they kiss as they go under every bridge. I hope they had breath mints because they were all over each other. I haven’t seen that much tongue action since my 3-year-old nephew was eating an ice cream cone last summer.
Later that evening, they go to a romantic dinner where Travis gives a toast that makes me want to hurl. The couple is serenaded as they look off a balcony down to the street. This is a very romantic setting for Travis and 4-hoofed one.
The rest of the evening gets too mushy for my liking. I want to just FF through this whole vomitfest as Travis hands over the invitation to spend the night together. Travis tells tells Moooooooooowanna that he wants to spend more time with her. Read: I really want to try and get into your pants.
Travis tells her that he has never cheated on a woman but he does have 2 more exotic dates. Read: I hope to hit those two as well!