Oh. My. Heaven. Another season of ‘I’m Horny And There’s No Reason I’m Not Getting Laid’. This year we come to you from Paris, France. (Not to be confused with Paris Hilton, for those of you who wondered.) Before we meet our most recent bachelor, we are treated to little scenes of our previous bachelors, and bachelorettes, including meltdowns, confrontations, and stalker threats. We are even treated to scenes from Trista and Ryan’s wedding, only slightly more disgusting than the Romber extravaganza.
Ok, let me get this out of my system. I’m pretty much over ‘The Bachelor’. The whole premise of this show was for men, and women, to find love. With the possible exception of Trista, this has been all about svcking face. Don’t even get me started on the ambiguous sexuality of the previous Bachelors.
So, our most recent and current bachelor is Travis Stork. Travis is an ER doctor who has saved many lives. (I was delivered by the Stork, true story, wonder if they are related.) Travis is from Nashville, TN, has a chiseled chin with a dimple, and feels lucky at 33 years of age to have the opportunity to be ‘The Bachelor’. As our host Chris Harrison tells us, our bachelor has held many hearts in his hands, but can he handle 25 at one time? We’re about to find out, because the skanks bachelorettes are about to join us.
Our first limo arrives, and the ladies are squealing. The first lady we meet is…wait for it…Susan, 24, a financial associate from Overland Park, KS. Dark of hair and red of dress, she makes a modest impression upon our male slut bachelor while complimenting him on his abode. Second to arrive is Cortney , a 28-year old law clerk from LA. She calls him ‘Prince Charming’ and he assures her he ordered the full moon just for her. (I just threw up a little.) Next we have Kyle, a 25-year old senior copy writer from Newport Beach, CA. She’s wearing a blue dress left over from someone’s prom, and her hair is falling in her face. It annoys me.
Our next Cinderella is April, 29 and in corporate real estate from Dallas TX. This Cinderella steps out of her shoe on her way out of the limo, however, manages to put it on herself without the help of our dashing Prince Charming. Is that the Irony Fairy I see behind the bushes? Finally, we have Jehan, 29, a Vitamin Sales Rep from Chicago IL. I’m willing to give her a chance, but let’s face it, April from BB6 ruined the reputation of vitamin sales reps forever. She also asks if he is Prince Charming, and the combination of her unusual name and, ahem, interesting chartreuse dress capture Travis’ attention.
What was that? Pictures? You want pictures? What do I look like, the guy from K-Mart? Well, you can go see them yourself at the ABC website if you want to, but many of them are interchangeable, and half of them will be gone after tonight anyway. Jeez, what do you people want from me?
Oooh, time for another limo. First out is Kristen, 25, a marketing director from Bonita Springs FL. She greets our Prince with ‘bonjour’, which ends up sounding more like ‘bon jure’. She has big hair, big….earrings, and some weird brooch between her oobies. Next is Jennifer, 25, a model from Boston MA. Also blond, also wearing a blue halter dress, she doesn’t have much more to say than ‘thank you’ and ‘nice to meet you’. Next we have Tara, 23, in retail sales in San Diego CA. Tara is wearing the fugliest dress I’ve seen thus far, strapless, all gathered in the bodice (if I were paying closer attention during ‘Project Runway’ I would know the term for this), all in the same copper shade as her hair. This isn’t a good look for her, and she has to adjust her dress after receiving a hug from Travis. Nice was to make a first impression, huh? Our next guest is Venus, 33, a physician from Huntington Beach CA. Her red dress is also strapless, but she doesn’t stop to adjust it, and is slit from her toes to her, um, upper thigh. She also has lots of white teeth. Wow. Next is Moana, 26, a distribution manager from Los Angeles CA. What does she have dangling from her ears? They look like huge maple leaves that have been gilded with craft paint. Yikes! She is also one of our few brunettes.
Our next limo arrives, and the first to exit is Cole, 26, a brunette sales executive from Walnut Creek CA, in an impressive red dress that accents her impressive assets. Next is Sara (no ‘h’), 24, a marketing manager from Minneapolis MN. She, too, is wearing red. What is it with halter tops this year? Did I miss the memo? Next we meet Lisa, 24, an IT recruiter from Overland Park KS, also wearing a red dress with a halter top. Yikes, you think they lost their lunch when they realized they were wearing such similar dresses? Would have loved to see that cat fight. Next we meet Princess, 26, a substitute teacher from Los Angeles CA. Princess is wearing a strapless black dress with white and red vertical stripes. (It really isn’t as bad as it sounds, really.) Finally we meet Liza, 23, a trade clerk from Chicago IL. Also a blond. Also in red. We are never going to be able to tell these women apart! Doesn’t this show have stylists? Give them a hint or two, like half the women are wearing red dresses and you might want to choose something else? Liza’s dress is slightly different in that it isn’t floor length, but still!
Whew, Chris takes a minute to see how Travis is doing. I’m exhausted and we still have 10 women to meet. How long is this summary so far, anyway? Commercials, for a pregnancy test the producers probably include in the goodie bag for the Cinderellas; moisturizer so their knees don’t look all scabby and stuff; a wireless phone company with a lot of scary people who follow you around; silly people singing about a breakfast cereal that does not look appetizing; a hunky looking guy who can’t remember to put gasoline in his motorcycle and must be rescued by his wife; a mom who throws a football better than her kids for a pre-packaged meat product; a cruise ship line with beautiful people spending their days laughing; and a promo for the ‘Not About Hillary Clinton, Really It’s Not’ television series.
Twenty minutes into the show and we’re still greeting ladies. We meet Sarah, 26, a kindergarten teacher from Nashville TN. Hmmm. Interesting. At least they won’t need to have the ‘but will you move all the way across the country’ talk. They both laugh over the fact they had to travel halfway around the world to meet. Ahhh. Next is Kathy, 25, a graduate student from Stockton CA. Kathy is wearing a cocktail-length grey dress with bronze shoes and looks quite elegant. Next up is the requisite former beauty queen, Jaime, 29, a physician recruiter from Big Rock VA. (Actually, she recruits doctors during happy hour at Joe’s Bar & Grill in Big Rock VA, but that’s a story for another day.) She has a noticeable Southern accent, which may help Travis remember her (if he wants to). She also is wearing a floor length gold beaded gown left over from the Miss Virginia pageant. Next is Elizabeth, 24, a social worker from Windham NH. Yet another halter dress, this one black, and yet another blond. Finally we have Yvonne, 28, CFO of a marketing firm in Miami FL. Yvonne is wearing a short maroon velvet dress with some funky detail in the back, but at least she isn’t wearing red. (I have been watching way too much Project Runway. Must. Focus. On. The. Women. Not just their clothes. I just wish they would say something memorable. Or at least quotable.)
Our final (please lord) limousine arrives. First out is Shiloh, 29, an advertising manager from Phoenix AZ, wearing a stunning yellow dress which offsets her tan nicely. Well, every season since Trista must have a sports team dancer, and now we meet Ali D, 26, an NBA dancer from Seattle WA. She’s wearing a bright blue, wait for it, halter dress that actually matches Travis’s tie, and the bottom of her hair is much darker than the top layer. Sorry, I just hate that look, but what do I know? I haven’t had a haircut for 6 months. Anyhoo, next up is Stephanie, 25, a public relations director from Walnut Creek CA, also wearing a gold dress, although this one is short and isn’t beaded. Next up is Allie, 33, a doctor of oncology from Delray Beach FL. She greets Travis entirely in French, much to his confusion, and is wearing a long dress that is either mauve or dove grey. Hey, it’s difficult to tell with the soft fuzzy lighting they’re working with here. Finally, our last young lady is Sarah, 23, a student from Winnipeg, Canada. (Shout out to all our friends north of the border!). How many Sara(h)s do we have this year? Wow, I hope he doesn’t keep them all. Although it will cut down on the number of names he has to remember and reduce the chances he blurts out the wrong name in the heat of faux passion. Sarah is wearing red and tells Travis she is actually from Manitoba (not Winnipeg as her introduction banner indicated, although the two places may be close, and this may just be a case of indicating the larger city when the smaller is less well known).
Chris once again speaks with Travis, who is anxious to get inside for the party before the ladies drink all the champagne. Commercials, for a fast food restaurant whose commercials always make me hungry; Vicky’s Secret sale and I always wonder how they manage to put commercials with that content on the air; two perky ladies for a liner to use when you cook so you don’t have to scrub that pan; promo for one of ABC’s many legal programs which my sister likes to watch but I don’t; promo for a new sitcom with Jane Curtin and William Devane which makes it worth a first look in my book; promo for one of those annoying newsmagazine shows; a young man rhapsodizing about a Mickey D’s double cheeseburger; unfortunate drivers confessing they don’t have car insurance; a commercial for a rodeo that’s a’comin’ to town; promo for Meredith Viera’s night job; and a daytime talk show that doesn’t svck too badly. Wow, is it me or did the commercial break last longer than the last segment. Or did I doze off?