Authors prologue: The show actually started with flashbacks of all of the previous The Bachelor's Meet-the-Family dates.
We see Firestone and Buerge, Guiney and O'Connell and that guy from Season 1. We are treated to various displays of gut-wrenchingly tense/awkward moments between the Bachelors and the prospective bachelorette's families. Child abuse and nympho-grannies included.
Needless to say or even go on and on about, they were all in various stages of uncomfortableness.
Except for Trista and Ryan. Who somehow serve as the "benchmark" couple for Mike Fleiss, the producer of all-things-carp.
Luckily for those of us that have decided to stick it out and watch yet one more season of this dreck can rest assured that those flashbacks will be like sleepy-little-lamb-dreams compared to what our current season's Bachelor will have to endure.
With my hands rolling over each other like a mad scientist, it's time to commence with the blahbiddyblahblah and get to the "Dates in the States"
Chapter 1: "Welcome to The O.C. (Halloween Special)"
Author's Note: I'm not exactly sure how much time Moana had to prepare for her one-on-one (Plus Parental Units) date with Dr. Travis. But she pulled out a performance that rivals most best-supporting-actress nominations in any Oscar season. (And she's not even the actress.)
Travis arrives in Orange County. Of course he first notices the slightly effervescent aroma of sparkling orange juice, which if you've ever been to the OC you would know it's a very intoxicating and sensual scent that tinges everything from our clothing to our strange venacular, Dude.
Henceforth, Travis jumps off the plane and into his boardies and flipflops and rushes to meet Moana at one of OC's gnarliest breaks.
Meeting him on the beach with 2 shortboards and a blanket is Moana. (Moana, also is the sound that inexplicably crosses my lips when I think of this woman making Final 2.)
Travis: "That's what I like about her. She's real. and She's mysterious. She's real mysterious."
Authors note: Hmmm...maybe the whole sun-soaked beach was the wrong place to hold this "date".
So without further ado, to fit the mood, the "Moana date from home" will be taking place in Transylvania. On some fog soaked mountain-top castle with the local blood-suckers playing a large part in the "family" dynamic.) Ahem...
Travis takes part in a demonic ritual at the side of some eerie lakeshore. His Hostess of darkness, Moana, mentions that the date is the "best experience of my life". (All while mixing up a special potion that renders normal well-educated men, feckless.)
"Drink, Travis. Drink. Now let's get wet."
The two of them row out in small rafts to the calmest part of the lake and Moana begins her ritual.
"My parent's are looking forward to eviscerating ...er... I mean meeting you. You're so full of blood ... er ... qualities we are in need of."
Travis: "Hmmm... I'm starting to feel a little woozy." Moana: "Perfect, now let me seal it with a little bite ... kiss. Let's go meet my coven family."
After a particularly scary and tense ride through the jagged carpathian mountains they arrive at the ancient castle with demon dog chaperones at their side.
Ringing the doorbell lets loose an ear-shattering scream followed by a slow creaking noise as the Coven ... er ... Family opens the door and meets their dinner ... meets the Bachelor for the first time.
CountRay (Dad): hmmmm...uh-huh. VampVirginia (Step-monster): This whole situation disgusts me! Cheryl (BioMom): Yummm...I'm hungry. Travis (Victim): "Nice to meet you all. Thank you for having me for dinner." Cheryl: "Our pleasure. I hope you find our hospitality..."
Dinner was served (or was it appetizers, cause I believe I haven't seen the "roast" yet. And it only lasted 30 minutes.)
Travis: "Soo...nice place you got here Ray." CountRay: "Uh-huh." VampVirginia: "Thanks but where is all this nice attitude coming from. Don't you know I h...ate all of my spawn's daughter's suitors?" Travis: "Huh?" Moana stares slack-jawed. CountRay: "Unh-uh." Cheryl: "So do you like being so deliciously hot?" Travis: "What?" Moana: "She wants to know how you like her buns. The one's on your plate. She made them special." Travis: "Mmmm...your buns are delicious." CountRay: "Uh-huh." Moana: (Aside) Geez...that was close. VampVirginia: "Make sure to choke on them you foul piece of worthless trash. You low-life attention whore." Travis: "What?" Moana: "She hopes you stick around long enough for dessert." (Another bullet avoided.) Travis: Sure. "I just wanna say I'm sooo thankful to you for inviting me into your home. Oh my head, I'm feeling a little woozy." VampVirginia: (In her best burnsian accent) "Exxxxcellent! Smithers, time to start this roast!"
Next thing Travis remembers is waking up from a sleepy fog, his eyes still blurry and his mind a jumble of flashing images. Mostly of CountRay attacks and VampVirginia saying "Now eat your chopped liver, Travis".
He notices he's arm in arm with Moana. And thinks "at least I have my arms". Moana is trying to hold him up and walk slowly down the front steps of the house.
He wakes up a little more and starts to mutter something about his liver. She interrupts with a ... "Shhh Shhh Shhhhhhh, now now Travis, everything is going to be okay." She leans in and plants a big silicone-enhanced one on his lips.
"Mmmm... that was great. Thanks for coming to see me."
Travis: "I think I may..." Moana: "Shhh... I know. I know my darling. Everything went great. You did great. My family really enjoyed you."
She then leans in as she settles Travis into the waiting limo. Plants a small silicone-enhanced one on his cheek and whispers..."Sorry about my family." Closing the limo door she mouths "See you in Paris". Travis believes she says something about bareasses. And feels a pang of fear as he also swears he noticed Moana's eyes spontaneously change colors from brown to red. He's driven away and Moana laughs and waves from her dark house.