Previously on the Bachelor, Dr. Travis Stork, who MUST be rich because he's a doctor, meets 25 beautiful desperate wannabe housewives and immediately kicks thirteen of their sorry azzes back to the States. So, now we're left with only twelve desperate ho-wife wannabes. The object of the game is for Dr. Tongue to get to know these twelve women better, and vote them off one by one until there is only one ho remaining to claim the million dollars. I mean, the guy.
Okay, so we begin this episode in front of this really old beautiful thatched cottage that isn't a cottage because it's a mansion. It's a thatched mansion, with beautiful lush grounds and a really annoying guy standing on them. Chris, the unProbst host, is there to welcome the hookers to the home that they can now share since they made the last cut. They pull up in limosines, and, true to bachelwhorette form, start OMGing and squealing like Oprah's audience.
Oh the squealing. Oh the wailing and the screeching. One of the dark hairs is impressed with the balcony overlooking the foyer. She says to the others "Hey, when whatisface comes and picks up one of the girls, we can be watching from the balcony, just like in the whorehouses back home!"
So Chris gathers them all outside. He tells them there will be two group dates, and one individual date. There will be a rose on each date. Kristen gets the first individual date, since she was the loser that Travis picked last in the last rose ceremony. *shudders from flashback to gym class*
Chris says they will find out more about their dates when the "date boxes" arrive. This, we can assume, is a cheap knockoff of treemail. It shall henceforth be called skankmail.
So they all pounce on the skankmail like cats in heat on...on other cats. They find exciting things like maps, a miniature Eiffel Tower, a snow globe, and a camera. Sarah, the kindergarten teacher from Nashville, proves that she is the brains of the bunch by concluding that they're probably going to be doing some sightseeing and travelling around.
Cole, Yvonne, Sarah the Brain, Elizabeth, and Jehan will be sharing this date. Oh! And Travis has included a personal note with the skankmail, about how he can't wait to go on this date with five women. In the words of S5's Clay: no sh!t, Sherlock. Each of the five women is inexplicably touched by this personal note. I'm sure each one thought that Travis was thinking of her as he penned it, just like Bo was gazing into the camera and singing to me. Every time.
Poor Travis. He's lamenting about how in medical school there was no textbook on how you date five women at the same time. Well, I used to work at a medical school, and I can assure you, Travis, that there is such a class. You slept in, ya dork.
I have to break here to rant about this particular Bachelor. He's supposed to be the best Bachelor yet, and yet, he's butt ugly. The guy has these deep lines in his face and a crappy haircut. He's got this really weird mouth that doesn't as much smile as it does grimace. Not only that, but his arrogance about his profession bugs me. He's a resident. Residents are still students. They're still eating Kraft dinner and they spend all their waking hours, and some of their sleeping hours, on the wards. Doctors use residents. They enslave them, and make them sit in the corner when they're bad. At the end of their shift, the doctors cough the residents out the door like the hairballs that they are.
That said, I'm a little torn. Aside from the doctor-sized ego, this Bachelwhore seems to be a really nice guy. This makes it break my heart a little bit to have to bash him.
Just a little bit, though.
A bus pulls up. Suddenly, I have a horrible flashback to last season as Travis picks up the first five hos and leads them to what he refers to as "my party bus." I'm reminded of Charlie and Sarah W. on the kookamawooka bus in Aruba. Time stops. I break for a stiff drink.
Yvonne is really impressed with the "amazing.funky.redbus." The bus has been decorated by Hilde on Trading Spaces. It is fug.ly. Travis wants to know "what activity, in your whole life, that you could not give up." You can tell he's really hoping that at least one of them says sex. While the women would SO not give up shopping, Travis says he's into camping and wants to know if any if them have ever slept in a tent. That's code, by the way.
The editors give us a few choice ramblings from the chosen doctor's wives. Sarah from Nashville says he's perfect for her because he's from Nashville. Honey, I live in a prison town. There are lots and lots of men here. Most of them are not perfect for me. Jehan says it's the best way to see Paris, on a date with a man and four women. 'Nuff said about Jehan. Travis wants to know if they want to see the tip of the Eiffel Tower. Yes, code. He scowls as the women starts OMGing over the famous Paris landmark. Poor Travis. Nobody understands him.
Cole gives him a rose and says every mother in the world would be excited if her daughter brought home a doctor, which was a pretty good indication for our hero of what Cole thinks of his profe$$ion. Either that, or her mother is really, really fat and lazy and doesn't like having to go out to doctor's appointments, so regular housecalls would be a nice perk for her.
Back at the ranch, Kristen DR's that she feels great yet nervous. She wants to make gowns out of toilet paper. Just as I'm about to think of a snarky comment about the toilet paper dress, we have...
SKANKMAIL!! Kristen gets to cruise down the Seine with Dr. Dork. The others are convinced that she won't come home. Why would they think that?
Back to the screaming Oprahs, they are screaming at the Arc de Triumphe. Once they get to the top of the Arc, it's pouring rain. Travis sits on the wet seat and gives the women the dry spot. (I have to admit I'm liking this guy more and more as time goes on.) Yvonne tells him to give out the rose now because 'we're dying'. Heaven forbid you have a real friggin' crisis in your life, Yvonne. As Travis says no, I like him still more.
He goes with Jihan to the top of the Arc. She says it was the most romantic moment of her life. She asks if he loves what he does. He says working in the emergency room is what he is, um, uh. She says "what you were called to do with life?" "Uh, I think so," he says. Either Travis doesn't really like being a doctor-in-training, or he just can't find the words to express his, um, joy. Or it could be that he was having a Frisky's DH moment, where when the woman in his life starts to speak, his brain shuts down. Travis wants to know what Jiwhore's passions are in life. She loves nature, church, and health. Ding! Ding! Ding! Well congratulations, Miss America! You get a butt-ugly fake crown and a year's supply of Vaseline for keeping those teeth nice and shiny!
Why do I feel like this show sets the women's movement back fifty years?
Okay, so the others are huddling over the rose like it's a fire to warm themselves by, and then that meanie Travis come and takes all their fire away! He gives the rose to Miss America. As a cold fog of doom surrounds the remaining contestants, Jihan confides to us that she wants Travis to propose to her in Paris so they could go on to live happily ever after. Um, Jihan? Cinderella called. She wants her wide-eyed ignorance back.