Last time on TAR Lori drank a goblet of warm blood, lost her mind and bit Phil on the neck at the pit-stop causing him to become a freaky, undead vampire who longed to suck the immortal soul from doe-eyed young virgins with heaving bosoms and barely pink nippleage. Which makes him just like all the other Reality TV Show hosts out there. Gus could not find a Speedo large enough to encompass his loins (even in sausage-sucking, beer-swilling HUNGARY) and was eliminated as being too fat for Prime Time TV. Unfortunately, the lovely Hera went down with him.
This week is a non-elimination round. Nothing happens except for some mindless churning. And I? am overjoyed. It’s a dream come true—because I am all about the mindless churning. I feel so free! I can say anything I want and it doesn’t matter because nothing actually happens. The morons and idiots who are here at the beginning of my tale will still be here at the end. Some battered, some bruised, some totally fvcked—but still here. Let’s churn a little…
Our crepuscular crews set out from the HUNGARY pit stop just before and after midnight. Even though they won the Fast Forward last time, Bolo and Lolo get barely an hour’s head start. Bolo reads the clue. “Teams must travel 7 miles to Budafvck and find a giant wine cask.” I can’t make up stuff this good! He said “Budafvck” right out loud, right on my TV. (What a nice giggle the TAR producers must have had when they noticed a town called Budafvck in their Frommer’s Guide to European Armpits.)
So they all jump into taxis and drive to Budafvck where we find out the Winery is closed until 10 a.m. Can we say “bunchfest?” The teams sleep on the sidewalk outside, in the order of their arrival. At 10 a.m. sharp the gates swing open. No one is hit in the head this time (too bad) and they wind up running down long, rounded tunnels with low roofs. It’s all so Freudian I can hardly stand it! Also? I have never realized what a maze of tunnels underlies Europe!
Lori and Bori get to the clue first—not because they are fast but because Bori’s head is so large that no one could pass him in the narrow tunnel. Hatin’ and Aaron are close behind. The clue says teams must fly to Corsica then drive themselves to Napoleon Bonaparte’s birthplace in a marked car. I mean to house where Napoleon Bonaparte was born, not to the marked car where he was born.
This clue sets up our weekly Airport Scramble. Jonathan and Victim stop at a travel agency and book the first tickets. Bori and Lolo race to the airport and score the only remaining set of tickets on that same flight.
Meanwhile, Kris and Hot Jon stop at a pet grooming joint and try to contact a travel agent from their telephone. Hot Jon does all the talking while Kris wanders around looking for things that are vibraty or have long, agile tongues. She settles on a large Old English Sheepdog before remembering that she is allergic to dogs. Too late!
Phil’s Bunch-a-Matic Machine has the teams on two flights. Lola & Bola along with Jonathan & Victim arrive first. Mary Adam & Rebuke-uh, Frettie & Kendra, Hatin’ & Aaron all arrive a bit later. They bunch again of course, because the house is closed until morning. I have no idea where they sleep this time.
Bright and early the next morning the bunched teams climb a set of narrow stairs into the actual room where Napoleon was actually born. Somehow, Mary Adam and Rebuke-uh have jumped to the head of the line. A fake Napoleon leers at the cameraman and hands them their next clue—which includes a Fast Forward!!! (Did you see my three exclamation points? I’m trying to generate some excitement here!!! We all saw the previews and we all know that Mary Adam and Rebuke-uh will go for the Fast Forward. They will suck at it. Sucking is the only life skill Mary Adam possesses.)
Speaking of sucking, I have decided that writing a non-elimination episode sucks after all. I am considering abandoning this effort. What’s the worse that can happen? Will Webmaster AyaK fly to the Midwest and spank me? I don’t think so! Will the beautiful Bebo whip off her blue dress and beat me senseless with it? Uh… Gee! She is pretty strict. I guess that I will keep writing…
The Fast Forward.
Jonathan & Victim decide they will try for the Fast Forward also, but arrive to see Mary Adam & Rebuke-uh already putting on the diving suits. This is Victim’s fault. Now they have to rejoin the other teams in a 100 mile drive to (?)Calvi(?) where they will find their next clue at Camp Refill, a French Foreign Legion Training Camp. Jonathan is so pissed! He yells at Victim and waves his arms wildly as they drive. Victim says “You are going to drive me to suicide—that’s what you want, isn’t it?” “Yeah!” yells Jonathan. “Suicide! It’s all your fault!” I yell at my TV, “No! Please! We need a murder/suicide here! Neither one of you deserves to live! First murder, then suicide, and I don’t care who goes first!”