Hiya folks! It’s J Slice here, bringing you another exciting summary. This week, we get to watch nine teams with previously existing relationships look like idiots, douches, idiot-douches, or weird-reverse-talking-mommy-dolls that only know how to say “Baby!” as they traipse from one Viking-infested country to another. Except in this episode, we get to watch them count a ton of cheap Swedish crap (sorry, cråp) and unroll bales of hay.
This show won an Emmy, right?
Anyway, it bears noting that in the last episode, two dimwits from Queens (my favorite boro, too… couldn’t they have gotten Bobby Valentine and Art Howe instead?) got eliminated for not knowing how to drive a damn car. Look, if you don’t know how to drive stick, please don’t take up a valuable team-slot on this show that could be better be given to a pair of malfunctioning Chuck E Cheese robots. Those can at least do something interesting. Like explode.
But enough about robots, let’s get this party started.
This episode starts out in stunning Voss, Norway, known for both its abundance of the Majestic Møøse and Phil’s bouncy Manbøøbs. Phil wants us to ponder the following questions before the episode gets raring:
1. Will Adam and Rebecca continue fighting? Will it hurt their racing?
1a. Why doesn’t Rebecca just shave Adam’s head while he’s sleeping?
2. Will Mary and Pea… I mean Lena and Kristy, recover from their last place finish?
We’ll see. In the meantime, let’s watch!
Jon and Kris, aka “Team Couple sharing half a Personality” are the first to depart for the first cluebox, located in the Absolut Ice Bar, in Stockholm, Sweden. I don’t care, since I’ve never heard either of them utter much more than “baby” since beginning the race. It’s really creepy.
Next up is “Team Dysfunctional,” or as I referred to them in my summary notes, “Team Asshole”. I’m fully in favor of Jonathan’s tongue getting stuck to the ice bar, but as we’ll find out, such is not in the cards. Still, a girl can hope. Victoria doesn’t seem to mind her screeching gargoyle of a husband, noting that she loves him because he’s “never boring.” Neither is your toothbrush trying to eat your gums when you brush your teeth.
Gus and Hera (henceforth referred to as “Team Class n’ Fatass”) and Lori n’ Bolo (“Team Stupid”) are the next two teams to depart… Hellboy and Rebecca (… sorry. I can’t think of a single team name that won’t offend Landru) go next, followed by Freddy and Kendra (“Team Baby”), then the penalized (heh, “penalized”) Don and Mary-Jane (“Team Senility Now!”), who complain that they haven’t yet used the skills which they hoped to bring forth to the race. Those skills being sitting in a recliner, farting, and laughing hysterically at said farts because they’re too senile to know who produced them. Finally, the rear is brought up by Lena and Kristy (“Team Sisyphus”).
We follow the teams, who are all pumped and psyched and crap about their respective leads, only to find, oh crap, the Voss train station’s closed, and we get to watch more bunching than Lena’s granny panties. Hooray. We later discover that bunching is the theme of tonight’s episode, and end up getting very cranky with the designers of the show’s course. Idiots.
The next morning, the spooning couples (and hopefully non-spooning family members) awaken and depart for delightful Sweden, home of Abba, meatballs, and, …
Did I ever tell you that a møøse once bit my sister? No, realli! She was carving her initials in the møøse when…
Sorry…. Mind you, møøse bites can be quite painful…
At any rate, once the teams arrive in Stockholm, Gus takes his position as team leader by promptly getting lost somewhere in the city. He manages to ask every single cab driver where the stupid Ice Bar is, but he remains convinced that “something’s wrong.” Yes, Gus, something’s wrong. Of course, that’d be you.
The other teams slowly trickle into the Ice Bar, where they receive their clue for the task- each team must slide an ice shot glass on to a tiny-tiny target on the icy bar surface. If they miss, they go to the end of the line.
Aaron quickly asserts his masculinity by completely missing the target on his first couple tries. I really don’t wanna see the bathroom after he’s done with a solid drunk-pee. Jon and Freddy both also miss, Freddy’s pathetic cup-fling not even clearing the half-way point on the bar before feebly toppling over the edge on to the ground. One can only hope they’re not wasting any good liquor in those shotglasses, or at least are willing to allow patrons to lick the bar floor after the American idiots are done chucking ice-cups.
Eventually, Jon (should I just call him “Yawn”?) makes his mark, and he and Kris depart for the world’s biggest IKEA. Now, I know you’re not all from the New York metropolitan area, but I’ve been to the Elizabeth, New Jersey IKEA, and the very thought of the world’s biggest IKEA makes the skin crawl off my body and drive somewhere far far away from the television. Bolo lands his glass soon after. We then get to watch Gus continue wandering aimlessly (“Somethin’s wrong!”), and then cut back to the bar, where Don has finally done something better than the younger teams. Maybe he’s one of those grandpas who’s really into bar games.
- At last, we cut away to some commercials. I feel no relief from Jonathan’s yowlings, because there’s a creepy Hecht’s commercial, involving boxes that sing “I’m the One that you want!” to the tune of a very similar song from Grease. I hate that freaking commercial.
We return to the show to find that Gus has AT LAST! discovered the bar. I guess the entire city of Stockholm managed to fix itself (“Somethin’s wrong!”) during the commercial break. The sisters scoot from the bar next, tailed closely by Mr. and Mrs. Banshee, then Hayden and Aaron (who really aren’t particularly interesting), then Hellboy, then Gus, then Freddy and Kendra.
But all the liquor on the floor is for naught! The I-Key-Ay is closed until 10 in the morning! Crap! More bunching. ::Collective Yawn::