Recap: Last week on Survivor, Jake got booted off exactly as predicted by everyone with two brain cells to rub together and some other interesting crapola happened--which you will find by reading Superman's E-11 Official Summary.
‘Nuf with the past--onward to DAY 34 -- or Day 238 in Dog Years -- cause these people are a worst-looking bunch of mutts and curs than at your local pound. Proceed to the “not-at-all symbolic” montage of ants swarming over termite carcass, heron-eating fish, “When Octopi Attack,” dueling crabs, iguana battle, and. . .
Helen buries the hatchet by cleaving a coconut’s skull in a single blow.
Zoom in on the cliffside, to beloved Primitive artist, Grandma Moses’ latest masterpiece of stick figures. Obviously, none of them is a self-portrait, because there’s nary a butt flap amongst them. Does everyone realize how well Jan demonstrates why Florida was the location of origin for the term “CRACKER?” (and on so many levels!)
HELEN (confessional): We haven’t had to vote off one of our own since Day 12. We may have been the most pathetic assemblage of inept geezers ever, but by gawd, we’re still kickin’. Now, the game’s REALLY on.
TED to Brian and Clay, as they build the day’s sandcastles: We three are the core of this whole game. The rest (read: WOMEN) have been too busy cooking, hunting, doing our laundry, getting the drinking water, and cleaning our litter box to realize how expendible they’ve been all along.
Whatever character Ted had at the beginning of the show has faded like old wallpaper. Perhaps they would’ve been smart to cast his more engaging brother for this show. . .
BRIAN (confessional): The key to winning this whole thing is my super-secret triple axel with a double toe loop. Unless someone else here secretly coached Brian Boitano, I’m a shoo-in for the gold. If I have to go the extra mile, I’ll just confuse the opponent by injecting a baseball analogy, because I AM Mr. Freeze.
Has King Brian taken leave of his throne? Perhaps “Mr. Freeze” is his nom de porn. . .
CLAY wanders over to the treemail area to avoid any possible work and scares the hell out of himself by seeing his own reflection in a full length mirror. Gawd, there is another ugly, little gnome in the cave!! He is forced to accept what the rest of us have known all along:
CLAY: Will you lookit this. . . Can you believe this? I’m a NUTHIN’!
Apparently oblivious to the fact he’s standing by a ROCK, Clay announces the arrival of TREE MAIL: CLAY: Y’all ain’t gonna b’lieve the wrinkles in mah face!
It’s a MIRROR, Clay, not spectacles. . . and just where do you think these people have been for the last month?
Behold the magic mirror You really are a sight But this is no illusion, Your souls are black as night.
Compare yourself to these photos Before Burn-it claimed your life-- You may return to regular size, But if you win, it could cost you your wife.
Jan feels nostalgia for her “bosoms.” Helen reveals insight to the inner workings of an anorexic. Clay falls in love with himself all over again, and feels cheated that it’s only a head shot. Brian learns he has "yellow teeth" (obviously this is a Corporal Crime in California....hell, may be the ruin of his porn career!!) Ted, on the other hand, is pleased and happy that he has trimmed down from a heap to a pile!!
The men preen like high school jocks, comparing the caliber of their “ammunition.” The women--too self-critical to ponder their faults in front of an audience--declare the men pathetic, narcissistic girlies, because they are so starved for their own reflections, and refuse to step aside.
Later. . .
TED to Brian: You’re not flipping on me--we’re still tight, right?
BRIAN to Ted (trying to avoid making eye contact): Sure. As far as you know, it’s not “every man for himself” just yet.
TED (confessional): Hm. I think Brian was maybe hinting he’s been playing me for a sucker. I wonder if I should start thinking for myself yet. . . Nah--Brian’s a Good Guy. Our plans are SOLID.
“TREE” MAIL--twice in one day??
Ted and Brian retrieve more “tree” mail, declaring: We didn’t even read it first--cuz it’s like a big book and everything. . .
A picture is worth one thousand words And should be simple enough, even for you. The one to get this LAST Reward Will most likely find the game is through.
It’s time to dine on good food and wine And wait--there’s a whole lot more-- This Reward is the one for you If you want to make your tribemates sore.
TED (confessional): It’s time I stopped being so trusting. My strategy has always been to adapt, so I’m gonna start believing only 80-85% of what the others tell me now.
Let’s see. . . Ted is only trusting 85% of the people he trusts, which is only 50% of the people left on the island....so his chances are, well, he’ll need a calculator, fer sure!
Ted tries to communicate his winning strategy to Helen by drawing football plays in the sand with a stick....."B...H...T" and then "J" or "C". Most significant and suspenseful conversation of the season; kick yourself if you missed it!! Helen keeps her reactions “subtle,” to avoid telegraphing the exchange to everyone else. Which means that even Jan gets the drift, though she's asleep.
TED: Clay is a lazy sumbitch, and by virtue of doing nothing (unlike myself), has earned the right to be voted out next.
The loozers walk to RC on the beach. Jiffy Probe--ignoring the sage advice of his mother--pulls up and offers the motley crew a lift.
Two blocks later, when their bodily exudates and common sense take hold, he ejects them from the vehicle and makes them walk the rest of the way to the challenge.
Jiffy Probe explains the Reward--gesturing chesticularly, to evoke fond mammaries of Erin, as he describes the BIG Thai meal and MASSAGE that accompany the SUV. He explains the Reward is running from tree to pole to bin to cargo net to truck to the bathroom and to heck collecting 8 English letters which, when put together in the proper order, will spell (for those who CAN spell) two words that describe an activity related to the Reward. Oh, and by the way, they are standing ON the first of the eight letters! So ready, set, GO!!
Everybody runs off on the hunt. Jiffy is so disgusted with these nimrods he YELLS OUT: "Hey stupids, I said you were standing on the 1st letter; come back here!!!"
It's like a horse race where half of the horses bolt and then have to be turned around and return to the starting gate. Pitiful!
At the finish line Brian gets his 8 letters in a row and announces to Jeff and all within ear shot he's got it: "R-A-O-D T-R-I-P"!!!!!
Jeff sighs and says: "Not quite, Bri! But nice try."
Ted looks over and quickly arranges his letters to spell out "ROAD TRIP" and WINS the RC!!
Brian is pissed.
Clay is PISSED.
TED goes apeshit, humping the back end of his new ride in a frenzy of triumph. He then catches himself, and apologizes: I thought you were my wife--I SWEAR I didn’t mean anything by it! . . .Why. . . . I’m not even ATTRACTED to you!
Asked to pick a companion for his Reward, TED declares: Brian screwed me on the last meal by asking Clay along--so I’m taking Helen, because she’s my last chance to win this whole game. Besides, as the lesser of four evils and a sleep-over with showers, food and wine, she just might present another "grinding opportunity" ifyaknowwhatimean!!!
Mercifully, Jan does not realize she’ll miss the Prom, as she is still struggling to retrieve Tile #3 when Ted and Helen bid all adieu.
During the ride to the Spa Helen doesn't waste much time convincing Ted that Clay is a good-for-nothing, lazy loafer who orders people around so he must be voted off at the next TC!!
Not since Sean Rector has a man made such an obnoxious fool of himself at a dinner party. Let the face stuffing begin!! With table manners that would make Magilla the Monkey blush with shame, the duo consumes dinner for six.
TED: Neither Helen nor I drink alcohol.
Somehow to these two people who DON'T DRINK the wine becomes Mt. Everest --- it must be consumed simply because it's there!!
Helen chides him until he eats his former weight in Tom Yum Kung and Chicken Satay. In-between courses, she pesters the hostesses for recipes.
Before he can clean his plate, Ted is slurring his words like Foster Brooks, and proclaiming his love for Helen in the mistaken impression they’re in the middle of a Budweiser commercial. When Ted gets his turn in the shower, he mistakes a bar of soap for his toothbrush, but even a mouth full of foam cannot stop him from ruining the calm of Helen’s massage--he will continue bellowing and babbling for the duration of the evening.
TED: My body is drunk, but my mind is SHARP AS A TACK! Now. . . if my mind was MUSH, THEN I’d be drunk. . . . . . . . Wait--what did I just say? . . . .
(to Helen): Helen, I don't want to go to sleep. I want this night and this day to last forever. I'm really trying to suck in this last piece of it because once I lay down....BOOM--it's over!"
Helen whispers: Please Gawd, let Ted fall down and go boom--just not on ME!
Back at camp, CLAY explains: I hate to lose at anything, anytime, anywhere! I am NOT A LOSER!!" (Yeah, and Nixon wasn't "A Crook!")
BRIAN: Ted is a clueless ingrate. And damnit--if spelling was important, Jeff should have said so in the rules!! I was ROBBED and you can spell that with however many Bs you damned well want!
Snakes slither. Brian and Clay practice wedge shots from the sand trap. Ted and Helen return like Haitian Boat Refugees, carrying hidden bottles of wine and enough slightly-used food to make a meal for the whole tribe. Jan (who will receive counseling before being allowed to influence the first graders of Pinellas County again) greedily snatches the first bottle of wine. . . fairly climaxing as it nestles into what used to be her cleavage. In a rare occurrence of common sense, EPMB chooses NOT to try to wring some intrigue or embarrassing revelations by showing us the ugly reality of a group of slobbering drunks for a FOURTH time in one series. . .
Later in the day, Helen's evil twin "Neleh" suddenly comes to the fore. If she could FAKE weakness to Brian, she might stand a chance of a workable strategy, but the best she can do is beg not to be left alone with Ted, so she doesn’t have to remember which line of bull to play--and because “she wouldn't want Clay to get the wrong idea!!”
Helen's nose grew just a tad with that last statement.
By explaining Brian and Clay’s ties as “keeping friends close and enemies closer,” Jan reveals she actually DOES have more of a clue than Helen.
HELEN (confessional): Ted thinks I’m tight with him, Brian and Clay think I’m tight with them. I’m playing both sides of the fence, and frankly. . . I've got to watch where I'm stepping cause there ain't no greener grass here--the cowpaddies are ankle deep already!
IMMUNITY CHALLENGE (aka: The 10-Step Program)
Jigsaw steps--10 two-piece treads to assemble before they can reach the top.
Jan, the First Grade Teacher, needs remediation in the Playskool puzzle arena. Likewise, Helen makes us wonder how she passed the “spatial relations” portion of the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery. Clay is obviously desperate to win, and so wastes too much time keeping tabs on the other players. Ted, the software designer, proves that VISUALS are not his strong suit. Brian sprouts skates with friggin’ wings!!
Brian WINS Immunity! He ambles, swaggers, and walks to the top of the IC tower, and is damned cocky about doing it too!! He reclaims the butt-ugly Immunity Necklace and takes his position to survey his subjects--King Brian, Master of His Domain, A Legend in His Own Mind. Way to skate, your Highness. . .
Clay looked disgusted; Ted looked dejected; Jan look amazed; only Helen had the sense to suck up with a "Good job Brian.”
BACK IN CAMP the pecking order dance starts anew.
Army ants swarm as Ted does his a.m. yoga.
TED (confessional): I won me a car, I’ve won Immunity--I wonder if they’ll see me as physically and mentally strong--a threat. . .
The gratuitous snake-in-the-tree shot. BRIAN calms Ted by assuring him he’s not next: You already know Clay hates you--if something changes, I’ll let you know.
JAN (confessional--failing to connect the dots): I guess I need to think about what’s best for ME. I don’t think there are any alliances yet, though, but I just may be the SWING vote or sumthin’.
Jan's mind is much like a bed--it would benefit from being made up more often!! But listening to Jan try to think logically makes my hair hurt! Thank gosh she doesn't teach 4th grade....she would be the slowest person in the class!!!
KING BRIAN SAYETH (confessional): I have been inside these peoples’ heads, and I will use it against them. I have three cards to play--Granny Jan, is totally disposable; **viewers wonder if the insulting dolt means as in “Pampers” or “Kleenex”** Helen, my loyal soldier, will follow orders ‘til she drops; and then there’s Uncle Clay, my bestest bud and big enemy. Plus, Clay hates Helen and Helen hates Clay, and I can use that when the time comes. If there’s anyone else here, I forget his name already.
CLAY does his Bantam rooster act: The name o’ this game is to use and trample everyone on your way to the top. Then you declare bankruptcy to protect your winnings.
Have we seen such a shining example of a maniacal RUNT since Waterloo?
JIFFY PROBE: You’ve systematically screwed these four smirking members of the tribe formerly known as SUCK JIVE out of the game. Now that they make up the MAJORITY of the Jury--do you worry that you’re approaching a time for revenge? They will eventually have to vote for one of the final two and determine the winner!
CLAY: Oh hell yeah I stay awake nights worrying how these folks are going to vote...oh sorry, Jeff, you were serious? Right here, you’ve got three things that should make a winner--a TEXAN who likes SEX and GOLF! If my piss-poor lack of courtesy, dignity, and compassion makes me an “Ugly Example” for people in my home state, **Hi Erin, Howdy Jake!!!!** I'm blaming that on livin' tooo long in Louisiana--and there ain't no Louisiana people on the Jury, so there.
HELEN: Gawd, I hope they remember how good my banana-guava bamboo cheesecake was. . . I made a point of giving them bigger portions, out of sympathy. At least I tried to be friendly and kind to the women which is more than the BOYS did!!
BRIAN: We got rid of The Fat Lady, so it's not over until I say it is, and I'm sure at the end the Jury will make the most attractive, youthful, user-friendly choice to represent their winner.
JAN: I’ve transformed myself into an old dishrag, as a daily reminder of all the hard work I’ve done on my tribe’s behalf. You Suk Jai's weren't there but trust me I have done all the work from day one. Besides, I am the oldest, er, eldest; after all my sacrifice you wouldn't toss me out. Please don't make me cry!!
As JP reads the votes, Ted starts to sway to and fro, as though a Tide of Turning, Churning Reality is acting upon him--or perhaps he’s going to fall down and go boom on Clay **wish** . . . The crack of fact hits Ted. . . **holy moly, even I didn't vote for Clay!!!** With the exception of his vote for Jan, TED it is unanimously awarded the Walk of Shame!!!
No one can look him in the eye as Jiffy snuffs his torch and Ted excuses himself.
TED’S PARTING WORDS: For my baby, Morgan, I did this for YOU, to show that nothing beats a failure but a try. Or was that "tribe?" And for my wife: The SUV meant nuthin’, bay-be--and I never meant to imply that YOU were as big as one, when you were pregnant!! It was a simple misunderstanding, and I can’t wait to get home, where people RESPECT me.