Okay, so I didnít really watch the recap, but none of you did either, so you wonít know any better. Since I didnít tune in, I tried to catch up with other SBers, but apparently all I missed was Clay drooling over Erinís prepubescent male ass, Ghandia pimping for an imaginary camera, and some other nonsense that Iím glad didnít make the cut.
Anyway, so hereís you look back at the season that sucks. (And, donít expect me to be cute and funny and witty. There are two reasons for this: 1. No one bothered to watch this shit, so why would you bother to read this summary? and 2. My entire family was in town and all just bailed on me, leaving me with no food in my pantry, a million blankets to wash and a bad attitude from sleeping wrong on an airbed that must have been built by the devil himself.)
So, letís just get this over with, shall we?
Bootee: Pastor John. Hey, idiot, maybe next time we wait to see if we win the Immunity Challenge before we play dumb pranks on our new tribemembers, Ďk?
Immunity Challenge: Solve puzzles by paddling your team around to different stations. Ghandia blew this one for the Chewies and Sook Jai ended up winning. Kinda retarded actually, what with all those flags and what-not... but, I guess they had to set the theme for the rest of the challenges this season.
Stupidest Production Gufu: Team Captains? Honoring the old folks? Lame. Woulda been better and saved a whole lot of time and trouble if they had just lined Ďem up and executed them all right then and there.
Official Summary: landruajm wrote the first episode summary, You Didnít Even Fool Me Once, Why Am I Ashamed Anyway? and itís the funniest thing Iíve ever read. You canít help but develop a crush on landruajm when you read his summary, so consider that fair warning before you click on the link.
Most Memorable Passage from the Official Summary: Letís add it up: There are 5 Texans, 2 Louisianans, an Arkansan, and one person I believe to be from Tennessee. Jan also appears to have some sort of southerly-type accent, too, although her homespace has not been identified here. The theory of geographic karmic balance has been shot all to hell for this edition of Survivor. And yet: a Southron will not win this game. See, my uncleís loverís nephewís bondage slave was a cameraman for Survivor 5, andÖ
Bootee: Tanya. Sick girl. Didnít you know, dear, that the sick girl always gets booted in episode 2? Couldnít you have been a little discreet and puked in private? Whereís that survival instinct?
Reward Challenge: Palanquin-guide thingy. You know what I mean: that stooped challenge where everyone is blindfolded but one of the members, who ends up being carried around a course like the Queen of Sheeba. Chewie lost... again. Sook Jai won a fishing net and some other crap that theyíll just end up losing
Immunity Challenge: Floating Flower Puzzle. Best part of this whole stinkiní episode is when Erin ate shit while jumping off the platform. Ah, good times.
Best Line of the Whole Lame Season: Helen: ďIt was a nightmare. If I had a pistol in my pocket, I would have pulled it out, shot her first and me second.Ē
Best Gadget from an Official Summary: In her summary, Bebo introduced us to the HUH, the Helen Unintentional Humor Meter. Hereís what she found in Episode 2: -After Ghandia whines, it's time for Helen and Jan's Feeble Adventure. Two people...off on some routine expedition...so sure of where they're going that they forget the map...can you see where this is headed? I knew you could. We've just had HUH #1. -Helen gripes about Jan not having her upper body strength. Um, how much upper body strength does it take to pick up a freakin' map? (HUH #2) -Helen said she got to the point where if she had a gun, she would shoot Jan, then herself. Promises, promises. (HUH #3) -While Jan bails out the boat, Ms. Personality 2002 finally finds the water. Good thing, too, because while she fills the water jug, she tells us that she's dehydrated. Um, she's dehydrated while she's at a water supply. To think I accused Doooode of a brain deficiency (HUH #4). -Helen: I'm a Red Sox fan, we always believe there's tomorrow. (HUH #5) -Helen was asked to sit down, and, in true paranoid fashion, wonders if they're voting her out. Um, Hel, that was a reward challenge you lost today. (HUH #6)
Bootee: Jed. Lazy, but adorable, Jed. You silly boy. Didnít you know that it was vital to play along with the other children, holding hands and singing the whole time? No one likes a loner.
Reward Challenge: Bamboo Course with No-Contact Zone. This challenge rocked. I canít think of anything mean to say about it. Well, there could have been more contact zones. And less rules mighta been good, too. In fact, they shoulda just put Ďem all in a big olí pit and let Ďem duke it out til at least one whole tribe was dead; yeah, that woulda been better. Chewie wins, by default, mind you. The get two Special Forces guys to come keep Ďem company back at camp.
Immunity Challenge: Temple Rebuild. This sucked. Bebo was right: someone got the ďGreat Big Book of PuzzlesĒ for Christmas. Chewie wins again. Too bad Ghandia wonít be getting the boot tonight.
Most retarded storyline ever: Ghandia decides that she hasnít gotten enough camera time, so she decides to destroy a manís reputation and act like a freakiní loon to garner her spot in the long list of Survivors we just canít seem to forget no matter how hard we try. Big olí Ted shoulda just sat on her and smothered her instead of rubbing his thing on her butt. Ew.
Official Summary: Haweye is not just gifted at Fantasy Football, you knowÖ He also writes a damn good summary, as you can plainly see in Ooo Eee Ooo Eee Ooo.
Most Memorable Passage from the Official Summary: Cut to dumb, dumber, and dumbest cooking snails on the beach. dumb: If we stay fed and healthy we will all the challenges. dumber: Maybe we should try and find someone else to be on our side. dumbest: Dudes this beach like rocks!
Bootee: Gonorrhea. Thank Gawd, ya know? Oh-she-of-questionable-ethics had her little plan backfire. Yay!
Reward Challenge: Big Sand-Filled Dummy Race. This was stoopid. How boring. Sucky wins. Yawn.
Immunity Challenge: More Puzzles. Who thought watching a bunch of stinky whiny people solve puzzles would make for good TV? Sucky wins yet again. This is getting old, ya know?
Best Plot Twist: Why are you reading this? For there to be a plot twist, there has to be a plot. Duh. This episode rivals episode 8 as the most boring episode ever.
Official Summary: drawde236 has been working his butt off writing summaries and this one, Survivor For Dummies, really takes the cake. ĎSurvivorí and ĎDummiesí in the same line. How appropriate!
Most Memorable Passage from the Official Summary: Please don't get me wrong, Robb is not a stupid man, he graduated in the top 98% of his class at Keanu Reeves High School, but I doubt they get Survivor in Arizona. I don't think he has ever watched the show. Why else would you paint a target on your back by saying that you were surprised you didn't get votes? Be careful what you wish for, Robb.
Please don't get me wrong, Stephanie is not a stupid woman. She graduated in the top 98% of her class at Ellen DeGeneres High School, but I doubt they get Survivor in Arkansas. I doubt she has never watched the show. Why else would you want to paint a target on your back by alienating yourself from your tribe?
Please don't get me wrong, Ghandia is not a stupid woman. She graduated in the top 98% of her class at Bob Marley High School, but I doubt they get Survivor in Colorado. I don't think she has ever watched the show. Why else would you paint a big target on your back by continuing to add tension to an already tense group?
Please don't get me wrong, Jan is not a stupid woman. She graduated in the top 98% of her class at Hillbilly Hi Skool, but I don't think they get Survivor in Florida. I doubt she has ever watched the show. Why else would you push for a tie and unleash the dreaded Purple Rock of Doom? Look at what it did to poor Paschal, it got him stoned. A tie does not guarantee your safety, my dear.
Bootee: Stephanie. Quiet, sulky, mean, alienated Steffy. Now, why would Sucky vote out the most tense, uncomfortable, daggers-shooting-outta-her-eyes member?
Reward Challenge: Food Auction. Yawn.
Immunity Challenge: Fish Sorting Race. Eww.
Stupidest Strategy Ever: Robb is going to vote out Shii Ann cause she ate the yucky parts of the chicken? Umm, how is this going to help you advance, bird brain? I would say heís voting with his heart and not his head, but his head is rather empty so itís not fair to say he even had this other option available to him, is it?
Stupidest Strategy Ever II: Iím going to offer you all a chance to switch tribes and get away from the people who are gunning for you. But, listen, donít any of you take me up on it, okay? Lame-ass Shii Ann and Stephanie. Why donít you just eat all the bananas or something to really seal your fates?
Stupidest Strategy Ever III: Hi! Iím Big Ted and Iím hard to miss. But, in case I havenít drawn enough negative attention to myself, what with my brute strength and brooding isolation, Iím going to lose the boat with all our fishing gear inside it. Míkay?
Official Summary: Silvergirlís summary, The Oceanís Surprise, is an absolute delight. She makes tons of fun of Robb and really, what more could you want?
Most Memorable Passage from the Official Summary: It's off to TC for the Sucky tribe. The ants go marching one by one, hooray, hurrah the ants go marching one by one, hooray, hurrah The ants to marching one by one, the last one stops to buy a gun Then we all can stop watching, week after week, this show is so bleak as the Suckys begin their losing streak.
Bootee: Robb. What a surprise. Actually, it is a bit surprising that he made it all the way to episode 6. Anyway, Iím not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Bye, Rob! (Yes, I know itís 2 bís, but I just want to make you cry, sissy.)
Reward Challenge: Ball Slinger. You know... they flung all the balls out there and tried to catch them in these little wicker baskets. Lame, yes, I know. Youíre preaching to the choir. Sucky wins and they are treated to a feast. But, itís a feast of Thai food. Bleck. Why not cheeseburgers and pizza? That woulda ruled. Plus, they woulda been pooping for days.
Immunity Challenge: Another puzzle. This one had to do with taking flags from the center of the ďfieldĒ and forcing the other tribe to leave at least one for you to carry away. Stoopid. The self-professed intellectual Shii Ann from Sucky lost the challenge for the youngsters.
Ironic Twist: Okay, youíre on Sucky and there are two people vying for most hated member of the tribe: Robb and Shii Ann. Robb wins you a feast and makes you cry with all his sentimental love-love crap. Shii Ann loses immunity and gets involved in someone elseís banana battle. Who do you kick out? What a bunch of idiots.
Official Summary: dangerkitty is a genius and her summary, Banana, Balls, and Booted Bís, is way too good for this show. Sheís a genius, I tell ya.
Most Memorable Passage from the Official Summary: He tenderly fondles the bananas in their sack, choosing one with just the right firmness. Stunned by his audacity, the rest of the tribe gathers to discuss his banana-grabbing ways. They had all agreed not to touch their bananas. Robb can suck down thirty bananas a day; Penny canít hope to match that. Ken and Jake offer to tutor her.
And more masterful Robb-bashing by dangerkitty for all of you jonesing for it as bad as I am:
Penny: If we could give out an MVP award, Robb would get it. Instead, weíll give him the MBP - Most Bootable Person. Hey, donít forget Mouthy Banana Pilferer, Moronic Bolt Piercing, and Most Bleeped Phrases.
Bootee: Shii Ann. Biggest.Sucker.Ever.
Reward Challenge: Body Paint/Picnic/Meet-and-Greet. More awkward than a junior high school dance, itís the Lamest Reward Challenge Ever.
Immunity Challenge: Jail Cell Escape. This was a halfway decent challenge. It almost reminded me of the mole, but the Mole People are clean, at least. And, they donít whine as much as the Survivors do, either. Oh, well, at least it was a refreshing challenge. Chewieís win, even though they had to squeeze Big Ted through the hole under the gate.
Could They Be Any Stupider?: Tell me that this was a trick of the editing. Please tell me that at least one or two of them knew that there wasnít really a merge happening. On second thought, donít tell me. Let me just continue to be deluded. Poor Shii Ann. All for naught, eh?
Most Memorable Passage from the Official Summary: Cue an obligatory shot of Erin lying in bed next to Penny, whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Now, I would normally be excited by something like this, that is if I could pinpoint Aaron's gender and Penny wasn't a psychobeotch.
Bootee: Erin. Once they found out Erin was really an Aaron, they ditched himÖ herÖ whatever.
Reward Challenge: There wasnít one. But, apparently, they explained why in the recap show. I didnít know I would actually have to watch this show when I signed up for a summary.
Immunity Challenge: Breathing Tube Thingy. Apparently, most of these jokers canít hold their breath under water. If you canít breath, fineÖ you can at least hold your breath for a minute, canít you? Stoopid. Anyway, Chewies win and stuff. Yawn. This is getting old.
Notable Episode Distinction: This episode is clearly a contender for ďMost Boring Episode of Survivor to DateĒ. Short of gouging my eyes out, nothing would hurt as bad as suffering through this piece of drivel again. Iím so glad I didnít watch the recap show.
Most Annoying Survivor Ever: If I have to listen to Helen sing or recite recipes again, I think Iíll have to shoot myself. Could she be more annoying?
Most Memorable Passage from the Official Summary: Penny Spreads the Butter Too Thick Penny: Ooh Ted, if you're ready to do your morning workout, I'd sure like to join you, if you know what I mean. Ted, annoyed at interruption of family visit with Magilla, forces himself to descend a rung in the evolutionary ladder and make cheerleader chit chat. Ted: Okay. I'm going to do some yoga poses too. Penny: Okay, I'll DO IT with you, no problem. Penny obviously has yoga poses confused with pictures she saw in the Kama Sutra. Ted does BIGGEST. EYEROLL. EVER .
Bootee: Ken. Sigh. Glistening, beautiful, dumb Ken. Oh, well. Iíve already invested so much in this crap show, Iíll keep watching even though everyone who is left is either old or ugly. (And, then thereís Jan, who satisfies both categories...)
Reward Challenge: Video Tapes from Home. Brianís slut wife shakes her ass for everyone after he wins the stupid ball-in-the-fish-net-stockings challenge. And, yes, she is a slut. Iíve even seen her hoo-hoo in all its glory. Sheís kinda cute though...
Immunity Challenge: Thai Numbers challenge. Hmmm, this one didnít seem so well-planned-out. Kinda sad to watch Kenny fumble so much there at the end. Itís like when you can sense something terrible about to happen, but you sit there watching hopelessly anyway. Just sad. Clay wins.
Tackiest Immunity Necklace Ever: The big, ugly, gaudy monstrosity that is the immunity necklace looks more like a torture device than a trophy. Whoever designs the props for this show should hang their head in shame. Oh, and turn in your frequent-buyer card for Pier One, buddy.
Official Summary: Wow, Buggy is a starlet and a funny summary writer! Her summary, Yo Yo Yo Itís Time To Go, is so funny youíll end up drooling on your keyboard or something equally gross. Itís great!
Most Memorable Passage from the Official Summary: Two Four Six Eight, Who do we really Hate? It's Erin Ya Ya It's Erin *Clap Clap* Tribe Has Spoken Dont cha know And those Boobs have got to Go She's Boring Ya Ya Real Boring *Clap Clap*
Reward Challenge: Obstacle Course in pairs. Brian wins and takes his bitch Clay along for an elephant ride. What a lame reward. Shouldnít they win the newest ugly truck thing on the market? Or is that next week?
Immunity Challenge: Torch Snuffing. This was actually a neat challenge... when they did it LAST YEAR. Iím so over these recycled challenges. Helen wins. For real? I so woulda snuffed her torches first. Sheís so annoying and her teeth scare me.
Lamest Last Ditch Effort to Save Your Own Ass: Duh, Iím Penny and Iím going to turn on my tribemate in a last ditch effort to win these other people over. What will tell them how loyal and good Iíd be to them besides stabbing Jake in the back? Hmmmm, yep, gotta go with the torch-snuffing. Fucking moron.
Most Memorable Passage from the Official Summary: A boat comes to pick up King Brian and his court jester, Clay. Clay can barely conceal his excitement at his ďdateĒ and announces to the world that heís ďgot a hot-looking date and he has a mighty fine ass.Ē Clay ought to know Ė youíd need a crowbar to separate his lips from King Brianís ass. Of course, what Clay doesnít know yet is that half of the world has already seen King Brianís ass in such classics as ďVirgins of Sherwood Forest.Ē
Anyway, thatís all I got. Hope you didnít have to suffer through the show and this summary. Really, people... small doses... small doses.