I'm going to refer to a certain person by a different nickname, because she has already had more than her 15 minutes of shame. Since Buggy said her hair looked like Ramen noodles, I will here after refer to her as noodlehead.
On the Chewy tribe, Helen believes noodlehead's story. On the Sucky tribe, Stiff says "piss on 'em" for kicking off Jed. Shii Ann says Stiff thinks they are all idiots. Suckies win bananas and chickens. Dr. Doodlittle tells a rooster that he expects there to be eggs. Suckies win immunity for their mastery of simple puzzles, sending the Chewies to TC.
Noodlehead tries to get the women to vote off Clay, but Helen is between a purple rock and a hard place. Noodlehead is voted out of the tribe and the American public is besieged by stupid giggling noodlehead ho interviews.
Commercials: I don't like their commercials, so I'll make up my own.
Buy lots of Snickers for Halloween. Those fun sized bags are great for the whole family. We go through at least 10 bags of snickers and 10 bags of Reese's Peanut Butter cups at our house and then we have to go out and get some more for those pesky kids who show up at the end of the month silently holding out their bags and waiting for homage to their wonderful costume choice of a store bought piece of crap that cost their parents waaaay too much money. Do I sound like the Grinch of Hallow's Eve? I hope so, but if you see any kids (or adults for that matter) dressed up like mermaids, make sure you throw in an extra candy bar.
One question about network commercials - why is every series a "hit" or a "smash hit" and every show is "All New!"?
Chewy Gum, Night 12
A mouse eating leftovers and some flying bats from the cave. Clay says they knew Granny was being manipulated by noodlehead but why did she vote for him? Note that throughout the rest of this episode, Clay will be short with Granny. He turns to a cave drawing and puts a big X over Granny's face. This is the same graphic that they will use on "The Early Show" when the time comes.
Granny: "Ah voted for Claaay, he would know it was me and he doesn't forgive and forget." Since she knows she is next to go, she wanders off to pray to the patron saint of first grade teachers who are in danger of being voted off of their tribe in the middle of an insipid broadcast game show.
Helen: The girls are gonna think I betrayed em and I'm just going to have to live with that. I'm really half man, half woman, but my masculine side is stronger, so I went with that. If it gets me further ahead and a little piece of Clay action, so be it.
Sucky, day 13
Penny: We already decided that when we woke up, as soon as we heard the rooster crow, we were going to get up and eat, you know one of the chickens this morning.
Stiff: I got up and grabbed him and held him while Jake broke his neck.
Does anyone else wish she was talking about Doodlittle here?
Warning, what follows has been the designated replacement for the usual "Gross Food Challenge". If you have a weak stomach, turn your head.
Arkansas Boiled Chicken Recipe:
Stiff: (cont'd) We proceeded to boil the pot of water, put him in there to loosen the feathers up, pluck the feathers out of him, then we just boiled him for like an hour.
The chicken is shown being pulled out of the pot and the Suckys all dig in. Shii says it was like leather, but it was the best tasting chicken she's ever had in her life.
Jake: It doesn't get any better that this.
Why do Jake's comments always sound like a beer commercial slogan? Why isn't this show being sponsored by Bud Light, at least I'd get to see those commercials from JiZZy's OT thresd.
Doodlittle: "Shii Ann ate the lungs, intestines, necks and picked the bones until there was nothing left. Her eating habits are just repulsive."
Necks? Hmmmm, that must have been a deformed chicken with more than 1 neck. I guess that's one way MB saves on production costs.
Shii Ann: "This has got to be the best 2 headed chicken I've ever eaten."
Doodlittle (confessional): "She licks her fingers too much and reaches in a grabs stuff everyone else is eating. It's just gross."
Shii Ann: "Doodlittle, if you want to try some of the neck, there's a lot of meat around it."
Shii Ann, being the generous, lovable minx that she is, seductively holds out the partially gnawed chicken neck for Doodlittle.
Shii Ann (confessional): "Culturally, it's not an American thing to eat like necks, and hearts and gizzards and stuff like that, most people don't eat that stuff."
Shii Ann (to the rest of the tribe): "There's a lot more on here if you all want to pick at it."
Shii Ann tells us that in her family they eat the beak, the feet, and the eyes.
Shii Ann: "The neck is gone, I ate it. Good."
Back at Chewy
Clay: Crabs very slim. It's horrible, I don't see em running. If I could see em runnin off at least I would know theres some up here. So its veryfrustrating.
At this point he scratches his crotch. Is there any Rid in that first aid kit?
He only caught one crab. He went off to find Helen to help find the rest that are hiding in his pants.
Ted: Our food situation is getting pretty bad. We're missing out on a lot of things. We have to get fish.
Shot of jellyfish. I hear it's good on toast.
Brian and Ted throw the net over the side of the boat to catch some fish. Ted calls to the fishes, "C'mon fishy, fishy fishy." Ted talks about alliance with Brian.
Ted: "I don't know what it is about you, you seem so familiar."
Brian: "Have you ever bought a used car from me?"
Brian's confirmed that he's totally committed and oh, so familiar.
Ted: "We have a lot in common. I'm totally commited to him all the way to the end.
Brian: "Yada, yada, yada ... thinking before you speak and act. very sharklike, very swift, move when I need to move. Yada, yada, yada... be a part of that majority whichever way I can and keep moving forward."
Sounds like someone has had sales management classes, eh?
We see Ted throwing a loop of thin rope over a stick to secure one of their most precious possessions, the boat.
Back at the Sucky beach
It felt like their first day off in a little while. They went in the water and played. Doodlittle is swimming furiously in the surf. He is shown giving out a piercing scream.
Jake: We heard Doodlittle scream and that's nothing unusual for Doodlittle. Then we noticed that blood was kind of coming out of his foot.
Doodlittle: I don't know what was out there that had a big enough mouth to pierce me,
Erin: "You don't know whats out there, it could have been something poisonous, It could have been lethal for Doodlittle. We could have had some Doodlittle burgers tonight."
Jake blames it on Doodlittle not wearing shoes and pushing off on a stingray and getting a stinger in his foot.
Doodlittle: "It sort of hurts, almost as bad as my looking at my face in the mirror."
Shii Ann: "Like a little baby, throwing a tantrum. Ow, it hurts."
Doodlittle asks Shii Ann if she's ever been pierced by an unknown fish in Thailand before. Well, no, she admits to not having any piercings except for her ears, but she offers to lend him a earring for his newly pierced foot.
Penny: "Sharks, snakes and rays, Oh my! I think being practically invisible is key in being in this environment."
Back at Chewy Gum
Helen sings a Christmas song, but it was Granny's idea. Ted loves it. Yee Haw! I have to say Helen's singing wasn't that bad, but remember - I am a mermaid who is used to hearing shrieking. That's why they call us sirens.
The boat can't stand Helen's singing and it runs off.
The next morning Ted looks for the boat and groans when he sees it is gone. Betsy ran away.
Brian calls it the big orange monster.
Ted: I had it tied real tight up against those rocks.
Note to Ted: We have video coverage to the contrary.
CLay: I don't know what we will do without the boat.
Ted: That means no Betsy and no net.
Helen in confessional: What do you mean we lost the boat?! *Angry sound* I guess it wasn't tied up well enough.
Granny expresses surprise. Brian says the tide must have taken it. Clay says he would be hearing it now if it had been him who had tied that boat up.
Ted talks to McGilla about the boat getting away. Good thinking, blame it on the monkey. By the way, Ted, it's a monkey and McGilla is a Gorilla name.
Can they survive without the boat?
Commercials: Tedious and awful as usual. Do the Dew during the break instead of wasting your life watching this drivel.
Chewy Gum, Day 14
Clay: "I never thought that I would get this horny. If you give me a chance to have a hamburger, french fries, apple dumpling over Helen, I'd take Helen, no questions asked and never look back."
Thank goodness Helen wasn't around to hear that, because I don't want to see her take him up on it.
Granny: "WE GOT MAIL, CAN YALL HEAR ME?" * as she opens the mail.
Clay(in a short demanding tone): "What's in there?"
Granny counts the money - $1000 in 20 dollar bills.
Clay(shortand demanding): I want to know what that note says!
Crazy old lady has got your cash in her hand She's leaving the island sooner than planned. You had better learn how to catch some fish Gather some greens, put them all on a dish.
Keep up your strength to face the new day Granny has decided to end her game play. Well, no, not really, but if she had done what she said. Granny would be at the Lodge with old noodlehead.
Granny: "I'm not bidding a thang, I'm out of here. It's a gambling thing."
Clay: "No, #@@# Sherlock." *Silvergirl waves at Sherlock*
Granny: "Yall want to put me in charge of all this money? Seeya."
Clay is wearing shorts and shakes his head in disgust.
Jiffy welcomes the tribes to the Survivor Auction. He wants to make them an offer, but they are not to speak for 60 seconds. Does anybody here want to switch tribes? Think about this, one of those individual decisions.
Shii Ann: "Does anyone know I hate this tribe, I want to leave. I was so tempted."
Stiff: "My immediate reaction was I gotta do this. I was looking at the other tribe. I wanted to go, but I just didn't."
Helen thinks that Granny ought to take it, but Granny is going to sink or swim with em.
The Food Auction
Note: if the following colorized text is difficult for you to read, highlight it and it will appear as black print on a white background.
First item. Hamburger, fries, all the fixings. Suckies: 120. Ted reminds Jeff that the Suckys didn't pay for it.
Limeaid: $20 to Chewy. Chewys toast.
Mystery item: to the Suckies for 80. Very organic, healthy and indigenous baked grubs. Doodlittle picks up the plate but passes on eating one. Shii Ann, Stiff and Erin eat some grubs, taking the rest home in a styrofoam box.
Next Item: Spaghetti, meatballs with garlic bread. $400 to Chewy. Clay gets the first taste and declares that his wife is a meatball.
Another mystery item: $200 to Sucky. Hot fudge sundae. Way to go, eating ice cream with your hands!
Next item: Nachos $320 to Chewy. Granny takes the first bite. What goes with Nachos. Granny says beer, enchiladas or Chevy trucks (one of Survivor's new sponsors), but it's Margaritas - no virgins here. *insert your own joke, this summary is PG rated.*
Jiffy declares the auction over while the Suckies groan and the Chewys get drunk.
Commercials: Go out and shop where you usually shop, buy what you want because these commercials can't convince anyone to do otherwise.
Back to the show
On our island, the welcome mat stretches for miles. On our island not everyone drives on the left. On our island the locals are very friendly. On our island your worries aren't allowed. Grand Bahama Island, come make our island yours.
Oops, still the commercial break.
Sucky tribe day 15
Penny starts the fire. Erin slept so good, probably because of her fun pillows. Stiff brings bananas. *insert sexual joke here*
Penny: Stiff has changed the last few days. Stiff is trying harder to make up for how she treated us before, so she braided my hair.
Stiff: Everyone is nicer because they're not starving to death.
Shot of the sexy banana eating contest.
Stiff, after losing the contest: "I'm not a hugger and lover anyway."
Back at Chewy Gum
Helen: "Pretty fish. We caught a fish."
We're gonna show you 4 kinds of fish And if you can sort them all out, you might get your wish. To go to Tribal Council, packing your bag. Please throw the IC, so you can vote off the hag.
Brian: Granny knows she is next.
Brian and Helen swim over to get the water. Ted says they "the tribe" will have to suck it up and get the water. Helen says we have to keep hydrated. Brian warns Helen about the jellyfish. Too late, Brian, Helen and Clay have already had sex together.
Stiff returns the Idol to Jiffy. Jiffy's comment : "I know it feels good."
Does anyone else think that Jiffy has a brass fetish?
Sorting fish from the fishing boat. Barramundi, Travelli, Squid, and the cute little local fish that they call Silvergirl1... er, I mean Silver fish.
And you thought Silverfish were those little bugs that sometimes show up in your closet!
They have to sort out the fish, Erin and Ken make out, I mean... sit out.
How do the Chewys win this IC?
A. They pull out the bottom of Ted's size XXX t shirt, filling it up and taking it from the table to the sorting bins in one trip.
B. They invite Tanya back to swallow the fish whole and throw them up again into the bins.
C. They stuff them into their mouths, carry some in their hands, and carry them over to the bins, making lots of trips.
D. This is a trick question because Sucky wins it.
Choose the most boring answer and there you have it.
At one point before the IC is over, Jiffy talks with a southern drawl. Chewy is finished but checks the area. Jeff says one of the fish is not sorted correctly. Chewy wins. Granny cries. Ted kisses Brian passionately. Way to advertise your "alliance", Ted - with a public display of affection.
Somebody's going home from Sucky.
Commercials: Muted for the sake of my sanity.
Sook Jai Day 15
Shii asks Stiff who her favorite is from the other team. Stiff says they all seem really nice (thru her hand). Her body language says "get away from me weirdo."
Stiff confesses that she would have a better chance and more fun over there. "Pretty much blah around here and I pretty much feel like I'm next."
Erin: Things are going pretty well. The only dysfunction we have is with Shii Ann and I don't think she really knows that we really have that much of a dysfunction with her. Really??
Erin talks to Doodlittle about this while they get water about how Shii doesn't even use her head or the utensils
Doodlittle: "Appalling Dude. She's a girl too, Dude, give me a break, Dude." <Dude counter=3>
Jake doesn't know what it is that Shii does that irritates other people, but it's something.
Doodlittle: "It's funny cuz Ken says she's a city girl. I don't want to meet another New York city girl."
Erin: Braka,braka, braka, *agreeing with Doodlittle*
Jake thinks Shii is good because she works and he gives Shii advice because they are about 1/3 of the way thru it.
Jake: "Here's what you gotta do - you gotta say, Man those people like me, look at em they're over there talking about me."
Shii laughs and agrees, but tells Jake sometimes she just wants to cry. Jake says it's okay. Crying is good for you.
In a confessional, Shii says she is the only minority on this island. She is culturally different from the mass of America and is sticking out like a sore thumb.
It's off to TC for the Sucky tribe.
The ants go marching one by one, hooray, hurrah the ants go marching one by one, hooray, hurrah The ants to marching one by one, the last one stops to buy a gun Then we all can stop watching, week after week, this show is so bleak as the Suckys begin their losing streak.
Jiffy: Hi, guys. Tonight, the task at hand, vote out another member from your own tribe. Before we get to the vote, Doodlittle, straight scoop, what's your impression of Chewy Gum?
Doodlittle: They seem like a happy bunch of people, like they're all getting along pretty well and good for them, man.
Shot of CheShiire with her famous smile.
Jiffy: You guys think you're stronger than Chewy Gum?
Doodlittle: Very shur, without a doubt, c'mon bro.
Note that Doodlittle has graduated Jiffy from dude to bro.
Jiffy: Come on, bro, who's sitting at Tribal Council?
Doodlittle: I still think we're up on em.
Jiffy: I'm just saying you're not kickin' their ass.
Doodlittle: We'll see what the future holds for Chewy Gum.
Jiffy: All I know is that tonight somebody is going home because you guys lost today, so, that is a fact.
Doodlittle: That is a fact, Jack.
Stiff and Penny look bemused by this, maybe because Doodlittle can't seem to get Jiffy's name right.
Jiffy: Stiff, you were sick the first couple of days, right? Were you contributing as much as anybody else?
Stiff: I was sick and I overcame it. I think that I'm still contributing as much as anyone else... yada, yada, shelter, braka, braka...food and water.
Jiffy: Ken, when you hear that kind of comment, is that Stiff, we know that or does that surprise that she was sitting back there feeling that way?
Ken: That doesn't surprise me at all, I mean it was obvious that she had no interest in the shelter from square one. Their main priority was food and water.
Jiffy: Obviously no one took the offer up on the switch. But strategically, will anybody admit that you went thru the process of thinking alright this is a game, do I gain anything from doing this. Shii Ann, did it go through your head at all?
Shii: Maybe for like 2 seconds, but really, no, because I really like this tribe and I don't think I want to switch at this time.
Time to vote.
Penny votes for Stiff saying: "Stiff, you hussy, there can't be 2 of us on the same tribe with the same hairdo, so you're out girlfriend. Thanks for teaching me how to braid though." Erin votes for _______ Stiff votes for Shii, saying she is a sweet girl, "but you really get on my nerves, so I have to vote for you." Jake votes for ______. Ken votes for Stiff: "Stiff, tonight my vote is for you. I really think you are a beautiful, beautiful person. I just wish you hadn't alienated yourself from the beginning. I would have like to have seen what a beautiful person you really are." Doodlittle votes for Shii: "Sorry girl, you get on my nerves and I don't like being around you."
Jiffy tallys the votes.
Stiff, Stiff, Shii, Shii, Stiff, Stiff, that's enough, bring me your torch.
Stiff: "Good luck, guys, see ya."
Next time on Survivor:
The Chewy Gum men search for their boat. Helen says that they are not strong swimmers. At Sucky, Ken and Doodlittle have it out. Doodlittle's line: "I'm not f****g stupid." Could have fooled us!
Stiff's farewell remarks: "I just want to say that I've loved my time here with you guys. I'm looking forward to being with you when we get back home. We really were the dream team personality wise and physically, I'll hold no grudges against you and I really look forward to being with you on the outside, so be cool."
Unbelievable! Girlfriend, you slept out in the rain for days so you could avoid these people!
If you've read this far, thanks for wading through it with me. *hugs*