As you may or may not know, I spend my days molding and shaping the minds of Our Nationís Future.
Itís a sometimes thankless job, but I have to admit that I enjoy it most days. After all, I am exposed to all of the latest trends in music, fashion and pop culture and I have a my very own reality-style soap operas being played out before me each and every day. Plus, I get great vacation breaks (albeit unpaid) and have nice benefits.
However, the big downside to teaching is this. I have to watch what I say. Parents take offense when you call their children dumbasses, even when you say it with love (and I always do). Administrators have a tendency to fire teachers who make catty comments to students about their lack of mental ability or stability. And pretty much everyone, except the students, frowns on teachers that curse. So, I spend a great deal of my working day having mental conversations with students. This carries over into my real life and has colored my viewing of The Apprentice. You are about to read this teacherís Summary of The Apprentice as if it were students in my classroom. I make no apologies for being un-PC, crass, rude or boring. That just comes with the territory. (Oh, and any comments that I make about how hot Kelly is are totally not Mary Kay Letourneauesque because he is well over 21, so that is a definite added benefit of teaching this group.)
We begin with a roll call of who is left. Our administrator, Mr. Donald Trump, has divided the students into two classes: Apex and Mosaic. Weíll deal with each one briefly.
Apex consists of: Chris: the annoying horrible, Eddie Haskell, sleazeball kid in the back row that wears big gold chains and hits on substitute teachers. As teachers, we hate him.
Ivana: sheís the student who cannot stand to be corrected or told what to do. She takes immense pleasure in pointing out the teachersí mistakes. As teachers, we want to smack her.
Jen M.: sheís the slut that ends up sleeping with the assistant principal because sheís so ďmatureĒ. As teachers, we call her, well, a slut.
Raj: heís the incredibly annoying suck up with a heart of gold. He also tries to date the subs, but with such a sense of panache, that you canít help but laugh at him. Heís courteous and funny and always well prepared. He sits in the front row and offers to carry things for us. As teachers, we love him.
Kevin: heís the quiet kid that you never hear anything out of. He makes great grades, always turns in his work and is voted Most Dependable by his peers. As teachers, we forget about him.
Mosaic consists of Sandy: sheís the chick that is involved in umpteen clubs and has a social calendar crammed full. Sheís always at school, dressed to the nines, but sheís there for the social aspect more than the academic. She does her work, but itís all surface level. Donít ask her to explain stuff. As teachers, we call her simple.
Kelly: heís the All-American guy that plays sports, makes good grades, is nice to teachers, helps the elderly, works for charity on the weekend and dates the cute girls. His only flaw is that he has been told by everyone that he is the smartest, hottest, best guy they know and he buys it. As teachers, we think he is hot.
Maria: sheís the mouthy rebel chick with loud clothes, a big mouth and a short fuse. She desperately wants to be popular and a leader, but she is forever pissing off the rest of the class and cannot seem to learn from her mistakes. She alienates the girls by dressing like a tramp and the boys by talking down to them. As teachers, we think she is annoying.
Andy: the little geeky guy that just wants to fit in. He is inept at athletics, has zilcho social skills and canít play an instrument to even join the band, so heís relegated to the debate team. He is defined by his success at the debate and wields it like a sword in hopes that it will make him seem like a force to be reckoned with among his classmates. They? Just think he is a geek. As teacher, we feel sorry for him.
Wes: heís Kellyís best friend and tries to be just like him, but behind his back, heís plotting Kellyís downfall. When Kelly goes backpacking across the country to raise money for a Honduran food bank, Wes is soooo going to do his girlfriend. As teachers, we donít trust We as far as we can throw him.
Principal Trump has told the classes that they must complete a relatively simple assignment. He gives them $20,000 per team and tells them to renovate a house on Long Island. Their goal is to increase the resale value as much as possible. The team that makes the greatest gain, percentage-wise, wins. It is, I have to say, one of the easiest and most straightforward challenges to date. They donít have to choose some lame product, they arenít trying to sell something that no one wants, they donít have to deal with something completely subjective, they are being compared based on percentage and not volume, house renovations are not rocket science...this one should be fairly easy.
Silly, silly Kimmah.
Forgive me while I take a moment to explain a very popular teaching concept to you because it is central to the premise of The Apprentice. The concept is co-operative learning. In this learning style, the students work together to solve problems and come up with the answer. It is supposed to be superior to traditional methods because it engages all of the students and they donít just sit back and listen. There should be participation by all the team or group members and everyone should be made to feel important in the group. Additionally, it teaches students how to work with others and how to get along. They have to problem solve as a team and get past their personal differences. Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.