Previously on FLOM 4: Andrea and Rachel further sought to extend their 15 minutes of fame by returning to the big pretty house for a second chance at love or money. 15 male victims were introduced, poor wittle Rachel thought she was doomed as many of the men were captivated by the spell cast by Andreaís eye shadow. Things looked bad for Rachel, but we all know how editing works. Surprise, surprise, she got the majority of the menís votes, and Andrea and her entourage are back in their Hummer limos as fast as they got there. Which is great for FLOM summary writers, as Rachel is tastier fodder for us.
This weekís episode begins with Mike ($250,000) and Josh ($500,000) revealing how much their checks are worth to each other. This would be nothing more than a pissing match if it werenít foreshadowing for the episodeís first event: an auction for a dream date with Rachel, using the money from their checks. Bidding starts at $25,000 dollars. Too bad, you guys with the dollar checks. Donít lose hope, thereís a lady named Bunny in my neighborhood who will love you for a long time for a dollar. And some crack, or Krispy Kremes, same thing. Our loverly host tells the men that on this date, they will present Rachel with a $500,000 dollar diamond necklace. How wonderful to throw diamonds at swine.
The auction begins. With the dollar store gang ineligible for the auction, Josh and Chris start the battle, with Chris almost winning until Mikey bids $150,000. Mikey starts to feel confident, until Alex outbids him. Mikeís not going down so fast. He bids $200,000. Josh bids $225,000. Mikey looks at Josh. Et tu, Josh? Mike bids his entire check. Will Josh out bid him? The suspense is killing me. Until I realize that these guys are bidding enormous amounts of cash for a date withÖ Rachel. Yeah, I understand all about strategy and what-not, but now Iím scared. Somebody hold me. Iím actually thankful for the commercial break.
The suspense is over- Josh bids $275,000 and Mike is out. Mike says if he had a million dollar check he would bet the whole thing. I would bet a million that he has several restraining orders against him. The guy is creepy and obsessed. Now, this is entertainment!
The next super exciting event is a group date with Mike, Alex, Chris, and Rachelís flat hair. They play volleyball at the beach, as Rachel tries to make each one feel special so she can be rich, rich in love of course (weak!). Rachel has some one on one time with Alex, both of them trying to act genuine is like watching Courtney Love trying to act like sheís sane. Then itís Mikeís turn, as he and Rachel attempt to delve into the kiddie pools of each otherís psyche. So Chris gets no alone time either? He probably put the cameramen to sleep.
Back at the house after the date, Mike tries to cool off in the hot tub. He calls Josh a ##### cause he knew how much money they each had, and by golly Josh should have given up his strategy and let Mikey win. At this point Mike is reminding me of a real-life version of Bryceís stalker act on Joe Schmo. Whiny crybaby who will stick you with a lawn dart to get what he wants. Josh tries to play off that he doesnít remember how much money Mike had, too bad he doesnít get the flashback to the episodeís opening scene like we do.
I have never been so happy for commercials. Iím not even fast-forwarding my tape. Iím considering pause or stop to drink some shots cause I am bored as shizznit.