I'm not going to go through the two minute recrap of the season. You know the deal, 15 men, yada yada yada, 2 women, 8 men, 1 woman. Will they choose love or money? I already have love, can I take the money? After watching this whole season I think I'm going to take Mr. Mon Cherie's advice to go to reality tv therapy. By the way, for the other 3 people who have been watching, who have put up with my typo-ridden/silly/non-funny summaries, I salute you. I've made a nice pitcher of fruit punch flavored Kool-Aid spiked with Everclear, so pour yourself a glass as we wrap up this FLOM season.
We open with the men around a fire, passing the totem as they tell what they have learned from this experience:
David: I learned that my sparkling blue eyes will get me further in life than my drab personality.
Caleb: I learned that swapping bodily fluids will get me further with women than a sense of conviction.
Mike: I learned Rachel's DL and SS numbers, so I can find her no matter how hard she tries to hide from me! Buhaaahaaahaaaa!
Ok, so it wasn't on the show, but a girl can dream can't she? I had to go to a happy place while that stupid theme song was playing.
We open with the men eating, packing, changing (did you see David's six pack? Heavens to mercy!). The men gather in the parlor as host Jordan tells the men to meet him in the vault room. Shocked looks fly around the room faster than my friend's parrot Ezzie when she's had a little too much of the wacky tabacky. The men put their heads together and realize, if they are going to the vault it must have to do with money. And here I was thinking, vault? Oh, where they stash all the good Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream.
The men are told they can swap their old check with one of four mystery checks; two are worth one dollar, two are worth a million. Deja vu. Someone please tell Mike to never try out for Celebrity Poker. His facial expressions are more akin to a contortionist. Mike switches his 250g check for a mystery check. Caleb and David switch to mystery checks as well, anything's better than a buck, unless you need to make a long distance phone call.
It's time for the 24 hour fantasy dates! Wooooooo! Aw cripes. First we have to listen to the strategery of the men again. Yes Mike, we understand you have the purest of intentions. *Cough*psycho*Cough*. Caleb, who seems to have an ounce of common sense, gives pause to Mike's thoughts as he emphasizes that Rachel is dating ALL of them currently. Mike searches for a bunny to boil.
David has the first dreamy date with Rachel. They arrive at a resort and spa, and Rach wastes no time in drilling David about his intentions, or attempting to taste his dinner from the night before. They cuddle and smoochie smooch, and revelation! David says Rachel isn't a good kisser, and that is enough to throw him over to choosing money! You go boy! Noone should have to deal with a bad kisser, they are the sole reason for evil in the world.
Rachel detaches her lips from David long enough for Caleb to get in the limo for the next date. Pearls of wisdom once again spill from from Caleb's mouth (currently unattached to Rachel) as he suspects Rachel is kissing on all the other guys, and if that is the case, love is out of the decision for him. Caleb seems too smart, and I am overwhelmed by a feeling that once Rachel has sucked the rest of his brains through his mouth, he will become stupid.
The date starts tensely when Caleb will not kiss Rachel because she just kissed David. Caleb denies Rachel any bodily contact as she humps his leg like a dog in heat. However, by the time they reach their cottage, things have warmed up a bit. Suck the brains out, Rach, it's what you're best at. They eat overlooking a vineyard, as Caleb challenges Rachel's intentions, and she tries to make him feel like "the only one she likes". Caleb states Rachel is growing on him. Yeah, I had a fungus like that on my toe. But seriously, Caleb- Don't go to the dark side! I can sense there is still good in you! Caleb ignores my pleas and the spit swapping begins. Again. By the time they leave the next day, my hopes for Caleb are shot. No doctor can help him, he has no brain left. I can only hope they donate his stem cells so that some good can come of this abbhoration of a show.
Mike has the last date, and Rachel feels confident he is in lurve with her. They go to a hotel that looks like a tower on the Sunset Strip. They get all "random and crazy" and decide to ride a tour bus. That's pretty crazy, y'all might be pulled over by the fun police. While Rachel is professing her "genuine" intentions over dinner, I find myself missing Erin from FLOM2. Sure, she's a media ho, but she was a classy media ho, if there is such a thing. Rachel clues Mike in with a wink that he will be the one chosen. Riiiiigggghhhht. They should have chosen politicians as the men for this show. Imagine the lies, upon lies, upon lies. Rachel would be able to keep up though.
The men prepare for the elimination that will determine the final two. Since the men have no problem with kissing and telling, they're pretty much clueless as to Rachel's intentions. They have one last chance to tell her what she wants to hear, or not. Mike gives her concern when he implies he's there for fun. Fun, who has time for that when there's SO much time for analyzation? Caleb's meet with Rach is short and sweet, and dammit, he didn't give her the info she needed, once again! Perhaps there is hope for him yet. Rachel states this meeting has left a bad taste in her mouth. No, Rach, that's just the compilation of everyone's meals over the past three days you have tasted. Some foods just don't combine well. (Don't tell me you thought I'd let that gem pass me by!)
Ok, real elimination time. Rachel goes through her weekly "love being with all you, this elimination is difficult, yada yada yada". I'm really not listening cause I'm trying to tell Rachel that the "just woke up" look is really only good in bed, or when you're drunk, or when you have to run to the Quik Mart to buy cigs and some Krspy Kremes.
Mike is safe.
David is eliminated, as Rachel gives him the John Deer/friendship speech.
Caleb is safe, and one step away from joining the dark side.