I didnít actually watch the premiere of this show real time. You see, my bestest friend in the entire world was defending her doctoral thesis. Now, after watching the tape of this show, it is most definitely a toss-up as to whether FLOM 4 or a kinetic analysis of drosophila muscle myosin isoforms is more riveting.
First, let me supply a few answers to some FAQ:
1. That didnít really happen in the show. I watched it thirty-six times and I *know* that it didnít happen that way. Why are you lying to me?
Just as certain moments of the show are edited for artistic purposes, so will certain parts of my summary.
2. You totally hate this show and everyone on it. Why are they letting you summarizing it?
You can read a factual summary on many different boards, including the NBC website. Many summarizers, including myself, tend to write somewhat satirically. Please enjoy or find another summary somewhere else that you can enjoy.
3. You are a hater. You must be an unemployed journalist and you are most definitely fat and ugly too.
And your question is? This part, sadly, is true. I am totally unemployed, and I am hoping against hope that some editor out there will read my work on this website and hire me. Or maybe an escort service. In the meantime, Iím working on my trashy novel and trying to get noticed for The Swan. I have 3,692 pounds to lose and I need reconstructive surgery on most of my features. On the other hand, there is really nothing one can do about my spiteful and malicious attitude, but all of the pretty pills that the doctor has prescribed me have kept me from torturing innocent kittens. The guilty kittens, however, are totally fair game.
And weíre off. There is a little recrap of Preston choosing PJ, and the happy couple walking hand and hand off into the sunset, where they can hibernate for two months before they announce their break up and start the next part of their careers. Rachel is not chosen. She is heartbroken, and sobs inconsolably for about ten seconds until the producers proposition her about returning and having 15 men vying for her affections. Rachel is suddenly uncontrollably and deliriously happy. She canít remember what she liked about Preston, or even his last name. This is the best day of her life.
However, dun dun da! She is not the only one. Because neither she nor Andrea got black eyes or clumps of hair pulled out by the root, someone in the production area has the bright idea of bringing Andrea back. She is billed as Rachelís biggest rival. Now, I donít know about you, but being that PJ was the one that actually captured the heart and the affection of Preston, can we not safely say that PJ was indeed Rachelís biggest rival?
Jordan gives us some rules which are going to be broken later anyway, but 15 men are about to arrive. Each man will know the value of the check, but the women wonít. At the first elimination, one woman will remain. The men will not know that the women have been here before and know the game. The women are each without a clue. Oh, and also they donít have any idea that the other has been asked back also. The woman who is eliminated leaves with nothing.
We meet the guys. The only funny part is when one of the girls says in a voice over that she is looking for a guy that shares the same morals and values that she has. HmmÖmethinks she wonít have much of a problem. These guys appear just as slimy as both of the girls. Enter Jordan Murphy. He explains the rules to the guys. They all pretend to be surprised.
David K: Oh, Lord, Oh Lord, yes. Or Oh, Lord, this is not what I thought it was. Well, David, that last sentence will get you kicked out of bed. Every time.
Mike: How do you put a price tag on love?
Someone: Iíd love anyone for a million dollars. Yeah, thatís what Martha Stewartís ex-husband thought also. Some things are priceless. But for what money can buy, use Mastercard.
Morgan: Game on. This little commentary reminded me of Wayneís World. You know the part where they have the hockey game set up in the street and they keep having to take it down and put it back up every time a car passes by. Come to think of it, Morgan totally reminds me of Mike Myers. This is not a good thing.
Steven: Greed is one of the greatest deadly sins. I smell it coming off all of the *other* guys. Steven, my father used to tell me this. He who smelt it, dealt it. My mother used to tell me this. It takes one to know one.
So then they get to pick their checks. Now, I ask you, why do the guys in FLOM 4 get to know the value of their checks and the girls in FLOM 3 didnít initially? Iíll spare you the gender disparity rant this time, but sheesh.
David S: I picked the 8th check, because my ex-girlfriendís lucky number was 8 and I thought it would give me good karma. Sweetie, your ex-girlfriend is probably not going to try and help you find the next victim lucky lady. Sheís not thinking good thoughts about you at all.
Steven turns around so he doesnít have to see the amount and his check and be tempted by the deadly greed. He probably doesnít peek at the neighbor girl when she changes either.
The guys donít believe that Steven turned around and didnít peek at the neighbor girl value of the check. The curtains were open and everything. Any guy who doesnít look is a bold faced lier.
Rachel appears. There is some very subtle foreshadowing. I almost didnít get it. Then Andrea appears. There is a flashback to all of the drama from the previous season. Then, four eyes meet across an empty patio and the surprise is almost too much for me to stand. Both of the girls DR that the other was the last person they wanted to see. They are catty and there is an eye roll or two thrown in for good measure, but all in all, it's disappointing. Not even a pillow fight to be had.
Andrea: (*smugly laughing*) So, I guess you werenít chosen last season.
Rachel: I guess not. I would have told Andrea that I *was* chosen but let PJ have him.
Rachel DR: If I didnít have the $1, and hadnít signed those pesky documents, I would have so walked away. I am a quitter.