Yet again I find myself recapping a crappy show no one is watching. I suppose that's good, if I miss something no one will notice.
And now, in my summary... I present to you a top ten list. But not just any top ten list... the top ten reasons why this show is lame. I could come up with one million, but we'd be here all day.
We begin with our noble host, Jordan, and immediately I see reason #10 why the show is lame: Jordan is looking like Sporty Spice. He's got on this black tracksuit thingy with a red shirt under it. All he needs is a matching red bandana. Anyway, Sporty tells us that one of the guys will get a single date with Rachel before the next elimination. They have to go into the event room and paint Rachel. Jordan tells them they have to capture her beauty on canvas. That makes me want to vomit, therefore making the list at #9. The guys all look nervous. He tells them that they'd better make their paintings stand out. The guy who paints the painting Rachel chooses will win not only the date, but also an opportunity to switch checks. Caleb voices over that everyone knows he has the million-dollar check, which brings me to reason #8. The show is lame because the minute he says everyone is gunning for his check, you know he's going to loose his money.
And now we see Rachel, in a red satin robe. She looks hot. If only she never spoke. She voices over that it is a chance for her to see how the guys see her, and her reasons make number #7 of why the show is lame: she says she wants to see if the guys see me as a prize, or are in it for love, or money. Thank you for recapping what the show was about... yet again. I never could have guessed the title otherwise.
We watch the guys intently paint, which makes me giggle a little. Mike says he is in it to get the girl's heart. I'm sure he said in her pants, and the producers made him go back and record it again in reality dating show speak. Caleb tells us he has no talent. Well, he's right. But it's okay. I have a really good eye for colors, but I can't draw forms at all. I'm a GENIUS at paint-by-numbers. Morgan paints a picture of Rachel surrounded by a red heart. He then informs us that he's not going to draw any symbolism in his painting based on false feelings. I get a little confused, because I always thought that a heart was a symbol of love. Mike draws a flower coming out of concrete, and says something about how it is delicate and blah, blah, blah. I can tell you one thing about Rachel... she's no delicate flower. David S.'s (must we still have the S.) is mostly a stick person with hearts and I think arrows. There may even be a smiley face or two. If he drew a rainbow, I would have thought he was a twelve-year-old girl. He explains he wants to show laughter, happiness, and fun. Caleb's drawing makes me laugh. He tells us he started to draw a shape, and it looked like a swan, so he went with it. He might as well have drawn the million on the back of the swan, since it is about to fly away.
Rachel tells us she has a date with Caleb and Mike. She tells them they look cuter and cuter every time she sees them. This has got to be reason #6. I’m told you don’t call a guy you are interested in “cute.” Handsome is much better, makes him feel less like a little boy. She is definitely more into Mike at this point. But she's worried about the large check value he has. She also thinks Caleb has been quiet at this point and he might have a large check too. My friends, this is called reality dating show irony. Caleb and Mike have to compete in an archery contest. The closest person to the bulls-eye gets alone time with Rachel. Caleb astutely notices the table set up with only two chairs a short distance away. Mike tells us he did archery from ages 11-18. He has the choice of a) taking the competition or b) throwing it. He decides to throw the competition, and calls it his gift to both of them. Then he explains he wanted to be nice to Caleb, that he didn’t want him to feel the cards were stacked against him. Perhaps the two of them can get together after the show is over. Caleb wins the archery, and goes off to have lunch with Rachel. He has to row her across to their table, and has a lot of problems doing so. Rachel laughs at him, which makes #5 on the list. She’s definitely NOT laughing with him. They eat lunch, and Rachel tells us that Caleb wows her. She says she is attracted to him. And she sort of whines that she can’t take the money over someone she has feelings for. We’ve all seen the way you look at that million-dollar check. You aren’t fooling anyone.
She explains she pulls Mike aside after lunch. She tells him he’s open, and they have a connection. They kiss, and the camera pans over to Caleb, across the shore, facing away from them. Mike tells us they have a connection, and he can almost taste it. We see you tasting “it.”