Previously on Last Comic* Standing… The Peacock searched Coast to Coast (read: New York and Los Angeles with obligatory stops in a half-dozen other cities) to find the best comedians NBC could approve for a family hour-style pilot, and came up with these 10 not-ready-for-anything-other-than-prime time players:
Alonzo Bodden – The angry black comic who’s the smartest one in the house. He will definitely be in the finals. Or he’ll make me look really stupid for making a bold prediction in Episode 5. (Fortunately, only 30 people read these, so how big of an idiot can I really make of myself?)
Ant – About whom we know 2 things. 1) He’s gay. 2) He isn’t funny.
Bonnie McFarlane – A woman who needs to remember to turn the lights on before she gets dressed.
Gary Gulman – On the Bob Saget fast-track of inoffensive Jews.
Todd Glass – Possibly the most annoying man on the planet.
Kathleen Madigan – This season’s Dave Mordal.
Tammy Pescatelli – Is to Italian-Americans what Ant is to gay folk.
Corey Holcomb – The friendliest homophobe you’ll ever meet.
Jay London – A man with a seemingly endless supply of one-liners…and overalls.
John Heffron – The funniest one in the house, who is also a complete nervous wreck.
Our comics arrive at the house in the Hollywood Hills where they will be staying for the dog-eat-dog portion of the show. The house looks like the place where Dracula got his 1970s disco-playah groove on. It is probably the only house in the world with a moat and modular furniture. Ant informs us that this is the closest he’s been to the “Hollywood” sign. Make sure you get a good look, my man, cuz it’s back to waiting tables in San Francisco when your 15 minutes on this show are up.
Jay (that’s host Jay, not Cro-Magnon Jay--it is Cro-Magnon that's 4th from the left on the evolutionary chart, right? or is it Australopithecus? I can never remember) greets them at the gate (yes, there really is a gate—and probably a portcullis—to this mockery of God’s design) and says he’s 50% sure the house isn’t haunted. This obvious attempt at levity actually gives Ant the heebie-jeebies. It seems he has a thing against demonic possession. He really means premature demonic possession. The terms of his contract with Satan clearly state that he has until his expiration date to be free and clear of minions of the Underworld. But I digress.
Host Jay explains the pedestrian details of the show in case they picked up another half-dozen viewers in the interim from the last time they explained them. Lord knows we wouldn’t want to lose those new folks with the complicated “game” that’s about to begin. I’m not going to detail them here, because if you’re reading this and you don’t watch the show, you really need to find something better to do with your free time. Jay does offer us a little nugget by telling the comics to expect some twists and turns along the way. OK, color me stupid, but isn’t the point of a twist that the players don’t see it coming? Is Mark Burnett that smart, or are the guys who run this show that dumb? Personally, I’m going with the latter.
The comics move in. Cro-Mag Jay and John get the red room, which is not to be confused with Redrum, although there is a very Snoop Dogg meets Stephen King vibe in there. Call it the King Snoop Doggy Fizzle room.
Gary, Todd and Alonzo move into the white room. This room looks like something out of A Clockwork Orange. Maybe they’ll put on a little Ludwig Van to mellow Todd out a little before Alonzo goes Droogie on his ass.
Corey and Ant move into the green room. This is the closest Ant will get to an actual green room. (I’m sure his agent the executive producers want to give him something to remember the experience by.) In a shocking twist, it turns out Corey’s a big ol’ homophobe. Is there a black male stereotype he doesn’t embody? He jokes about how he’s going to sleep with a golf club to keep Ant at bay. Wow. That joke hasn’t been funny since Eddie Murphy was doing AIDS humor. Not that I’m opposed to bludgeoning Ant, mind you. It’s just that there are many more valid reasons than simply because he’s a prancing queen. It’s now a dead heat in my mind between Corey and Ant for who is the most unfunny person drawing breaths in the Pimp Castle.