Welcome to Forever Hades Hotel, where the Players are Hot, and the Weather is Hotter!
Let me start with the Cast of Characters.
Starring: Brooke, Shawna, Neveen Medusa, Kassie May Clampett, Bathsheba Liz, Fembot Claudia, David Doofus, Wallace, Michael the Archangel, Mr. Ed and Jason Zacka$$ Junior (I swear they MUST be brothers).
Hosted by: Devil with a Pink Dress on. Also starring: Simon the waiter (Man is he hot! I would like soooooo date him. He's the cutest guy on the island. I need a pic please someone!!)
This show is not about Romance, Lust, Excessive Indulgence, or the Audience Living Vicariously in Paradise.
It is about politics and alliances. Shocks and twists. Just like 'Paradise Hotel' (aka PHo). Only worse and with less content.
"There's alot of sex going on here." *coughbull-carpcoughcough* I ain't seen any yet! have you?
ETA: Quotes are their actual quotes, my comments/dreaming are in italics. Also, I am NOT advocating that anyone watch this stuff. Unless nothing better is on. then, maybe.
Continuing the Biblical theme, I happened upon this Gem, encapsulating the feel of the show. Blatantly stolen from Romans 1:28 (NSV) and aptly warped by MOI in caps (NOTE: this is not to be taken as any religious statement - It's tongue-in-cheek. OK, people?):
"Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of FOX REALITY TV, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, ... insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know FOX REALITY TV's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve BANISHMENT, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."
1. New guy dinner. JasonZackJr tries to be a player with the ladies, but his testimony be false, and from the amount of eye-rolling shown, they've heard these lines before.
Shawna conf. "Jason is the last person on Earth I would ever date." J to Shawna "you're so beaoooooooootiful, smokin' *wink wink*". Shawna: "I DON'T like Wallace!!" (LIE #1)
Jason is upset that the Cool Kids don't accept him. He doesn't understand why the ladies ain't buying his flavor. He's never had women NOT like him before. (Note: maybe they were transvestites). Sorry, Jason, but you're like Zach on 'Average Joe' - you ARE a loser like Mr. Ed, but don't worry, you'll figure it out soon. Jason asks Mr. Ed for his take on the gals, since he's such a swinger and all.
2. Brunch. Simon *pant pant* arrives, with their money. Yay Simon! Simon returns with an apple for the ladies. Boo Simon! It's couples week in Eden. Can't tell the men 'til after dinner.
3. Dinner is a complete wreck. The production crew goes way over the top with the all-too-obvious foreshadowing of the bad luck to come. Black cat under the table (Michael pulls an Osten), Simon spills on Mr. Ed and breaks something, the bread basket catches on fire. You know, just the usual, nothing to make you think that the forces of FOX are working against you in their little human guinea-pig experiment. Neveen announces to everyone that she is drinking, and she's only drank once before, and ended up kissing a girl (or maybe it was Jordan) and that it was yucky. Surprisingly, Jason does not jump at this opportunity. Michael conf. that he doesn't like Kassie at all, and something bad is gonna happen, he feels it. People start to pair off and go for walks, to establish their "alliances". Kassie woos Mr. Ed. The freaky 4 make a plan, they suspect a new girl will arrive, and the guys will look dorky, so she won't pick them. Brilliant!
Neveen: "which leaves me with the new cheeseball, Jason" *rolls eyes*. Later, she approached Mr. Ed. (THIS is good...)
Mr Ed: "Kassie's my number 1 and you are my 1A."
Nev: "what about Brooke?" *dreamy shot of Brooke with a sparkly smile*
Matt thinks. pause. MrEd: "You're my 1B". Hey, at least the guy is honest!
4. Tribal Temple. All the kiddies are all lined up, with their pre-planned choices. So of course, there is a twist. A new girl arrives, with all the power and immunity a newbie could wish for. She looks like Barbie and has an IQ of 46. But I know that she's a Fembot. She is Amy reincarnated - the spawn of Satan!! I hate her as soon as she opens her mouth: "I think I'm the all-american girl, cause I have blond hair, blue eyes, I'm in a sorority and I was a princess at the Fiesta Bowl last year." Yeah, and Matt Rogers (AI3) was in the Rose Bowl, and we never hear the end of it. Hey, MATT, I've got someone I want ya to meet. So, she gets first dibs. She encircles the men, stalking her prey. And the winner is *ding ding ding* DAVID, who has the goofiest dork-wannabe expression on his face. Apparently, that's her type. Or maybe she liked his pink shirt.
5. Regrouping time. The producers are too kind; they allow the kiddies another night to rechoose their alliances. We get to hear from Fembot. (Gals: pull out your Grease album and play the "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee" by Rizzo. It fits perfectly here.)
Fem: "Well, I have a boyfriend back home." Mr Ed wonders why she is here then. Fem conf: "There's a lot of sex going on here, and I won't be partaking in it!"
Angelfood raises hand: "Oooh, ooh, Fox, pick me! pick me next! I have a DH, but he won't notice I'm gone. I'd like to get away, have my meals prepared, leisure time, every wish attended to. CALGON: TAKE ME AWAY!!"
Everyone has a nice game of musical chairs and switches partners. I can't say what the plans were without watching again, and even if I tell you, they're just gonna change again anyway. C'mon, haven't you been watching Fox shows long enough?
Preacher Angelfood adds: "Except for the Archangel Michael, who doth testify to the wicked David and Bathsheba Liz of their transgressions. He alone standeth firm on his moral ground. And the sinner, David, stands in awe of the revelation, and is thus reduceth to tears. But the Bathsheba woman sayeth, 'Who is this Michael, that he is so high & mighty?' And she once again fools David into taking a bite from that apple of Eden."
Yes, David and Michael finally had a lover's spat. Michael is disappointed in David's game to fool the new girl, giving himself an edge. Michael says that he and David just aren't clicking anymore. David runs back to his room, crying. (I think this is a breakup. Who's with me??)
Oh, and there was this scene at the water dock, where Liz totally pulls one on Jason, how she's got his back. Liz: "NO, I'm not attracted to David". (LIE #2) Jason totally falls for it.
6. Temple Council. Another twist. Fembot can change her mind and choose another guy. F: Excuse me Ruth, if I change my mind, whose do I get instead??
Host: "It's your choice, what's it gonna be? Are you going to keep:" everyone's plans intact... OR... make the originals hate you? What a choice, lucky girl!
Fembot: "I think I am gonna pick Wallace." But I guess I'm not sure. I think so, no maybe not. No, yes I think so. wait. What's that white stuff on his toes??
Host: "So, blondie, why Wallace?"
Fembot: Well, you see I'm in an Alliance right now, and our goal is a finely-planned coup d'etat of the Couples (Originals), which of course is merely a red herring to further my political cause of abolishing the bourgeouis, and bringing peace and prosperity to all my fellow Fembots. (Speech brought to you by AF.)
Ok, Shawna's pissed now. Jason is grinning like the Cheshire Cat. America is happy.
Kassie goes to Mr. Ed. Medusa picks Jason (and immediately makes an ugly face). Liz gets David. Brooke gets Michael. Shawna really has no good choice here and goes to Jason.
Host: "Shawna, what's so great about Jason?"
S: Well, gosh, what's not to like? He's so beauuuuuuuuuutifuuuuul and he's got a smokin bod. And I think he put some funky drug in my drink last night, I don't remember. Tee hee. I go for the A-holes, Ruth!!! (No, I don't remember what she said. geesh! What do you want??? Blood??!!)
7. Last rites. And the lucky Loser is.... Shawna! Too bad, so sad. Jason was pulling the strings, once again. Neveen does her happy dance.
And the Toni bulging eyes AWARD goes to: Neveen, for the biggest gaping mouth, ugliest jealousy scowls and most repetitive shocked expressions. Oh, and let's not forget the revenge vs. the girls thing.
8. Next time on PHo2: Jason stirs up trouble, L & D's romance heats up, causing others to be jealous (Brooke whines). A new guest arrives, has watched them all along, knows everything they've done and everything they've been wearing.
Neveen: "There is Nothing wrong with my hot pink pumps!!!" Is it Larry Johnson, our fashion diva? Who else would care?
Unsolved mysteries: a) When will Neveen and Mr. Ed catch on that the beautiful people only want each other, and they might as well hook-up?? b) Who allowed Neveen to put a short skirt over those tree trunks? c) No, Neveen, there IS SOMETHING wrong with hot pink pumps. It's so 1986. Is that WHERE you came from? d) Claudia/Fembot: If it looks like a Fox plant, talks like a Fox plant, and has no motive for being there, it's a Fox plant! Will the guests catch on??
Sin Count: Bless us father, for we have sinned, its been one week since our last confession: Shawna - lying, fornicating, you name it. She's a bad girl. Liz - lying, deceit and malice. David - impure thoughts about another man. Wallace - insolent and arrogant. Neveen - fashion citations, taking everyone's name in vain. Kassie - having murderous thoughts and intentions about Liz. Mr. Ed - envy and self-love. (Boy, this is fun!)