This is Forever Eden, where these men and women have given up their lives (I’m suing for Truth in Advertising violations) to stay. They could be here for three weeks, three months, or three years. Three times too long, no matter how you add it up. Here comes the catchy Theme Song! It goes a little something like “Forever Eden, Forever Eden, Forever Eden, Forever Eden, Forever Eden…” *slaps the record player* “Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.” There we go.
Last time on Forever Eden:
• Craig shakes his booty and tells the girls in his best Powdered Toast Man imitation: “Cling tenaciously to my buttocks!” But he gets his buttocks booted when Undesirable Mary picks him for Banishment, in the process booting herself for having No Mercy. They walk off arm in arm, proving the rumors of Barbie and Ken’s demise to be greatly exaggerated.
• Newcomers Liz and Wallace arrive on pole-powered raft.
• Neveen began her pursuit of the World Record for “Gaping Like a Fish the Most Times on a Television Series.”
Tonight on Forever Eden, Fox apparently intends to give us epileptic seizures. Oh, wait.
Tonight on Forever Eden:
• Teeth acts like an idiot (what a surprise). And Brooke calls him a dog. I’m sure to love it as much the second (and third, and fourth…) time as I did the first. Go Brooke!
• The women’s secret vote for Eden’s Most Desirable Man is revealed (I’ll give you 1,000,000 : 1 odds it’s not Matt. What, no takers?)
• Khalilah tells Kassie she sucks when the women are forced to eliminate one of their own.
• A Very Special Message at Banishment Ceremony leaves Neveen crying and looking like a fish. Again.
Now that Fox has given you the Cliff’s Notes, you don’t really need me, do you? *sigh*
Without further ado, we bring you Episode 3: “True Colors” (pay attention, there will be a quiz afterwards).
Blackfoot heads back to his room where he is attacked by the Mutant Granny Smith Apple of Doom. At least he would have been if I were writing this show. Instead, the MGSAoD is sitting rather tamely on his bed, for this time, Ruth England informs us, the Apple brings…Good. Yay! She informs him he has been selected Eden’s Most Desirable Man (personally I was hoping they would choose the guy they hadn’t even met yet, but oh well) and will have a fabulous champagne dinner with the girls after which he will select two to go on a romantic date. In addition, he gets to extort two coins from each of the men, making him King of the Island (don’t tell Rupert). “How do you like them apples?!” he exclaims with glee. Teeth channels Al Gore and complains about the lockbox while parting with his fortune.
Short Bald Guy is clearly jealous, and tries to play on Blackfoot’s paranoia, saying when the cat’s away, the mice will play. Teeth nibbles on a hunk of cheese and looks around nervously, whiskers twitching furiously.
For about the tenth time in this opening segment, a snake from Mark Burnett’s Symbolic Animal Menagerie slithers across the screen.
Brooke, whom I wouldn’t even have known was on the show if not for the preview that’s already shown us this scene, informs us that Matt’s a moron. He’s pimping himself to all the girls while they’re playing pool. Now I know why I hate the guy. He reminds me of a horrifying love child of Johnny Fairplay and Bawston Rawb.
Brooke tells him he’s a frat boy, which in accordance with the new FCC regulations is bleeped out. Teeth tells her she’s so wrong. Then she says if he doesn’t think she’s cool, he doesn’t think she’s cool, and then HE says she’s not cool, like OMG! Then SHE says she wouldn’t hit that with a ten foot pole, and that he’s TOTALLY the dog of the group, and you can just SEE Matt’s little heart break cause he totally had a crush on Brooke. It was SO funny, you had to be there. If she boots Teeth tonight, I might marry her.
Jordan says that was SO rude, and everyone needs to chill. Like, who elected him Dr. Phil? Just cause you’re working on the same hairline and you’re both on a television show, it doesn’t mean you’re qualified to run a group therapy session. Brooke heads off into the jungle with Neveen and Kassie and she relates to them fond memories of her ex cooking for her and Scrabble tiles roasting over an open fire. C’est lamour. Matt’s just a pig, and the P’s not even on a double letter score.
Then Night Cam shows us Matt eavesdropping on Brooke crying while she tells the whole story to Michael (the “You’re the dog of the group” story, not the Scrabble story, although that one was pretty good too). As she gets to the good part, Matt comes yelling out of the tunnel “OHHHH!!! WHAT’S UP BROOKE?” and for a minute I’m afraid he’s gonna go Todd Bertuzzi on her. You scoff, but this is no ordinary DAW! He’s got sharp pointy teeth!
We’ll never know what happened next though, because sweet, sweet commercials take us away. When Forever Eden returns, Michael enjoys the sweetness of Eden’s apple, but things turn sour for everyone else. I think this show needs special advisory warnings for bad sexual innuendo and puns and for excessive macking by Matt, more than for the thankfully elusive “sexual content.”
Oh wait, we DO get to see what happened next, because Fox plays the whole episode back for its ADDled target audience. There goes Matt sneaking down the stairs, here goes Brooke reliving her moment of glory, and “OHHHH!!! WHAT’S UP BROOKE?” Jordan again decides to try and play peacemaker.
Matt: Why don’t you come down and say it to me? Brooke: I already did, jacka$$.
They walk off to fight in private. It’s all garbled up except for Brooke’s confessional about her having a deep seeded resentment of frat boys (but hey, who doesn’t?) and Matt calling her a b!tch and doing an unintentionally comical Incredible Hulk pose.
Brooke: Did you just call me a b!tch? Matt: Well, you called me a dog, so let’s get a little something-something going on, Baby! Brooke: I kill dogs for fun.
(well, it would have been a better comeback than her “totally totally” gibberish, and I get to piss off PETA, it’s like killing two birds with one stone. Oops, there I go again)
One of the girls says he has a crush on her and that’s probably why he’s being such a blankity-blank. I like the way they blur their mouths when they bleep, hehehe. Brooke in confessional reconfirms that Matt is an idiot and makes gagging faces, the same type I make whenever he’s on the screen.
The next day, Michael prepares for his menage-a-sept, flexing in front of the mirror, running gel through his shaved head, and telling the camera that although other guys would be going “Huh huh, I get to have dinner with six girls” and drooling all over themselves, his grandmother raised him to respect women and so he’s more excited to get to know them as people. Yeah, we believe that.
Michael and the girls arrive at a splendid dining area, while the guys head to McDonald’s. Jordan is whining AGAIN about how they don’t get to eat with the girls, and that they’re in the doghouse, and that Michael took their money, waah waah waah.
Matt, ever the classy guy, says they're gonna bring them the leftovers from Neveen, whereupon the ever-classy editor shows us close up shots of Neveen stuffing her face to dramatic dun-dun-dun sound effects. He then shouts “I hate you Michael! I’m like a little dog at the window, let me out I have to pee!” and then makes fun of him crossing his legs and calls him a distinguished b!tch. Jordan is STILL whining about the money. Get.over.it.
Michael asks New Girl what her impressions of the other girls is, and she responds, pointing each out in turn, “Slut, B!tch, Whore…” which the girls, perhaps due to an excess of alcohol, find uproariously funny. The guys are paranoid and think they’re laughing at them. Well, not this time guys.
Michael and the girls get a chicken dinner, and the boys get leftover sandwiches. Wallace, deciding those grapes are probably sour anyway, declares “AT least it’s not chicken.”
Ruth Portugal comes out and tells Michael it’s time for him to choose two girls. Neveen works her mouth like a fish. Again. If I had a nickel for every time she did that, I could buy all their foil-wrapped chocolate. He chooses Neveen and Brooke. Ruth, to work on memorizing their names, and in case they hadn’t already figured it out, tells Kassie, Shawna, Khalilah, and Liz that they haven’t been chosen. It’s a good thing they were sitting in their assigned seats or this could have gotten way too confusing.