Webby wrote to me today to ask me if I was still writing the Forever Eden Episode 2 Summary.
Having watched Episode One, I was surprised to find out there was an Episode 2.
But I’m a man of my word. So I watched Episode 2.
I want them all to die. Every last stinkin one of em. Eviceserate them, expunge them from the chain of evolution. They are a sin against humanity, and against all that is holy. Damnable Fox executives. Oh, and the cast sucks, too.
If you want to find out what happened in Episode 1, you should click here to read the excellent summary by Estee. She can apparently identify these bland, moronic attention whores, while their identities are completely unbeknownst to me.
In fact, I find myself sitting here at the keyboard wishing I could read Estee’s summary of Episode 2, because it would be funny as heck, and I’d be off the hook. But no. I'm a DAW, and stupidly volunteer to write summaries whenever I see a opportunity. The good news is, I'm cured. Never again.
But alas, alack; I must write this one.
The show begins with a shot of hostess Ruth England, who has a convenient English accent. That's so the Fox viewer can identify her when she returns. I’m immediately grateful Ruth Mesopotamia was unavailable for this gig.
Ruthie reminds us that eleven people have journeyed to this place of incredible beauty and unparralled luxury, but she’s not quite precise on the actual location. Or even the continent. Quite possibly, they are in Burbank, California. The contestants have all left their friends and families loved ones and fantastic lives and crappy jobs and abusive alcoholic lovers who force them to perform sex acts on the neighbors so they can post the pictures on the internet.
In other words, they are all looking for someplace to hide. …And do nothing. …And get paid for it. …And be so adored by the viewers that Fox builds an entire spin-off show about them, propelling them to the cover of People magazine and the chance to meet fabulous stars like Justin Guarini and Jeff Varner.
They each get four crappy gold coins, and can accumulate more each week. There’s no telling how much, 'cause this show will never end. Unless it ends tonight, which would be my choice.
Each week someone gets banished, and then someone new will enter the show. Oh great. Eleven indistinguishable idiots, and now they promise revolving morons. Just for the record, tonight I’m banishing myself, and don’t wait for the Ghost Tribe.
We learn that Mary, a blond bimbo that doesn’t drink and screw around (And I thought such creature was just a legend), has the power to send one of the men home.
You see, In Episode 1, the men voted Mary “Least Desirable”, which is another way of saying “Least Likely to get Drunk Enough to Have Animalistic Sex With Us All, Even the Short Hairy Bald Guy.” And so verily Hobson the ArchButler delivered unto Mary the forbidden fruit. A freakishly large Granny Smith Apple. A Grandiose Smith Apple. A 260-pound fruit, and it’s not Richard Hatch.
The freakfruit can be good or evil, but tonight it means Mary has the power to banish one of the shallow and evil guys. No, not the Fox executives. Those drunken creeps who are only interested in her flowing blonde hair, her small firm butt, her large chest. OK, those are the Fox executives. But I am specifically referring to Muscles, Teeth, ShortHairyBald, DirtyFeet and CuteDude, the male cast members.
And take heart, Estee. Page 3 and I haven’t even made it to the opening credits yet!
So Fox does the opening, some brak brak brak explaining the format of the show and what happened last night. And they flash the episode title on the screen: “Reap What You Sow” Part 2. File that away for future reference.
We finally get going…
Tai Chi exercises, and then at breakfast Mary solicits opinions from the other women. She reflects on being hurt by the unanimous vote. We flashback to the men filling out their ballots, and their previous interaction with Mary. Over at the men’s table, they are discussing how weird women are. Then they go off to do cannonballs in the pool.
Some of the guys begin pumping the other women for information, and Kassie tells Michael she’s working to keep him around. Then we get a flashback to a scene that took place 3 minutes and 40 second earlier. ShortAttentionSpan Theatre is bad enough, now Fox thinks we are all Alzheimer’s patients? This was necessary? I guess Kassie said something nice about Michael, and now we’re supposed to think she’s got a Mandingo fantasy.
Mary arrives at the pool, and the men begin to tremble with fear. All except Craig, who stands rippling in the pool. Wait, he stands in the rippling pool, rippling. He’s posing, and he’s been posing, and he looks so pathetically desperate for attention I want to gouge him with Matt’s teeth. Thankfully, we cut to commercials , which are preceded by a quick preview of men pleading their case with Mary, and the decision, and a twist, and women go into heat when a new male contestant arrives …
When we return, the men are pleading their case with Mary. Over a group lunch, Matt begins to suggest a strategy to Mary, but instead asks that they move away from the others first. While the other men watch from 200 feet away, Matt the software salesman gives his best spiel. He admits they’ve had problems between the two of them, but he’s been honest about it and wants to put it behind them. It’s those other guys who are evil because they pretended to like you and voted for you anyway.
Later David, the supposedly cute guy, wants Mary to tell him what Matt said. Mary counters that if David has something to fess up, now is the time. David says he has nothing to say. Then he he proceeds to kiss her stairmastered butt by saying that he didn’t dislike her, and they all thought she was a very nice girl. Craig and Jordan join in on this MaryLove Toe Suck, and frankly, it is transparent and disgusting. Craig grovels, Shawna giggles at him, and even Jordan is embarrassed for him.
Michael, to his credit, refuses to go and bow down before Mary. It’s a black thing, I guess. I don’t know. Never seen one.